*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 8 ** ** Easter 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. Syko's CD Review by: Syko416 3. People are Really fucking sick! by: Syko416 4. Insane Ramblings by: Syko416 5. My Radio Station by: Syko416 6. Why Sheep are better than Women by: Syko416 7. Swearing In French by: Syko416 8. Crisis At Womat: Part 2 by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ notice a pattern? Cuz I can't find one --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial ************ HAPPY EASTER!! Now, I realise that easter was almost 2 weeks ago but it's the closest holiday. Anyways, in here we have a bunch of shit. (so, what else is new) In this issue we have, My Radio Station, which is basicly what I would have if I owned a radio station (legally) I wrote it basicly cuz there's no one good radio station in Toronto. Enjoy the Issue, Lates Syko416 P.S. Here's some pick up lines that I left out last issue. He: Is your dad a farmer? She: No. He: Because you have nice mellons Want to Play house? You can be the sceen door and I'll slam you all night. I like every bone in your body, especially mine. (think about it) You look like a hooker I knew in Phoenix. You remind me of my dead ex-girlfriend. If you were a booger I'd pick you first. You look just like my mama. I love my mama. Gross! Somebody farted. Let's get out of here. So... is it safe to say I'm gonna get lucky tonight? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. Syko's CD Review ******************* This is the first in at least 2. In this Issue I am reviewing the Family Values Tour CD which has songs from all the performer from The Family Values Tour (well, DUH!) which includes Korn, Limp Bizkit, Rammstein, Ice Cube, Orgy, and Incubus. Here's a List Of the Tracks 1. Intro 2. Incubus - New Skin 3. Interlude #1 4. Orgy - Dissention 5. Orgy - Gender 6. Orgy - Blue Monday 7. Interlude #2 8. Limp Bizkit - Cambodia 9. Limp Bizkit - Faith 10. Limp Bizkit - Jump Around 11. Interlude #3 12. Ice Cube - Check Y0 Self (remix) 13. Ice Cube - Natural Born Killaz 14. Ice Cube - Straight Outta Compton/Fuck Tha Police 15. Interlude #4 16. Rammstein - Du Hast 17. Interlude #5 18. Korn - Shot Liver Medley Includes: Shoots and Ladders Justin Predictable Ball Tongue Divine Kill You 19. Korn - Freak On A Leash 20. Korn - Twist/Chi 21. Korn - Got The Life (Note: the Intro and the Interludes are rap/mix section by C-Minus and are about 1 minute long each) If you put Korn, Limp Bizkit, Rammstein, Ice Cube, Orgy, C-Minus and Incubus together, you KNOW that you'll have an amazing CD. It's a good mix of rap, rock, and metal. If you like any of these bands I think you should go out and buy this CD. All in all, I give this CD a 4.5 out of 5 cuz it's good but it it would be better if they included Fuck Dying By Ice Cube featuring Korn. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. People are Really fucking sick! ********************************** I was bored one night so I desided to check what people were searching for using metacrawler (www.metacrawler.com). There's a website called metaspy (www.metaspy.com) that tells me exactly that. Here is a list of the most fucked shit that people were looking for. (Note: I was watching metaspy for about 15 minutes making this list) desk sex fur on film dildo underage nudes male masterbation underage teen pics women who like to have sex pre-teen boys hairless little pussy monica lewinsky naked scarf bondage BRA WITH FALSIES senior daddy porn "the post man"+novel sexual misconduct charges with minor vegetablesex "dog genitals" boytoy mom and sis do dad chocolate women gay ass licking avon lady xxx "illegal teens" women fucking dogs animals sex gallery with girls Transsexuelle sucht Ihn Preteens nude art pics michael jackson nude (note: I left out gay things because if a girl looks at it, it's normal same thing goes for lesbian things) If you were one of the people that searched for anything of these things, you need Help, very, very badly. Also, there were people looking for stuff like: www.wwf.com www.weddingbells.com www.autoshow.com www.abcsports.com I mean come on. You need to type that into the address, not search for it. If you don't know that, why are you even surfing the web? Most people, looked up NORMAL stuff like info about movies, songs, celebs, cars, etc. On each screen at metaspy, there are 10 things that people looked for. There is usually only one XXX link in each list. I am just saying this so that people know that only a small percent of the stuff searched for is porn. I just want to say one thing before I end this article, If you are one of those people that searched for monica lewinsky naked, you should get your ass kicked! Don't go down to the president's level. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4.Insane Ramblings ****************** Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? -------------- Why is the alphabet in that order? -------------- What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way. -------------- Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? -------------- How come abbreviated is such a long word? -------------- Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? -------------- Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new? -------------- What's the definition of Trust? - Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob -------------- Never... * accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck * say 'Oops' in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy * use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer * stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John Peers --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. My Radio Station ******************* If I had a radio station, it would kick ass. In the mornings, I woulds have The Howard Stern Radio Show (of course) and the rest of the day would be filled with some wicked shit like: Busta Rhymes Beastie Boys AC/DC Rob Zombie Old Dirty Bastard Korn Nine Inch Nails Marilyn Manson DMX Ozzy Osbourne Rascalz Dr. Dre Metallica Garbage Blink 182 Notorious BIG Big Sugar Sloan Cypress Hill Fatboy Slim Daft Punk House Of Pain Eminem Hole Ice Cube KMFDM Limp Bizkit Lenny Kravitz Offspring Pearl Jam David Bowie Rancid Queen Wyclef Tool Prodigy Smashing Pumkins Jerky Boys Sepultura Green Day Aerosmith White Zombie Tea Party Crystal Method Blur Stabbing Westward Filter Nirvana Primus Jimi Hendrix Radiohead Pantera Insane Clown Posse Isaac Hayes LL Cool J Puffy Ramones Porno For Pyros Dust Brothers Van Halen Red Hot Chili Peppers Deep Purple Rolling Stones Public Enemy Kardinal Checkmate Thrust Choclair Barenaked Ladies Will Smith Cassius Kiss Rammstein Rage Against The Machine Orgy and some other bands I forgot. At 10 pm at night we would have the Top Ten at Ten, at 5 pm you would have the Howard Stern Highlight, and at 6pm you would have A Phony Phone call by: The Jerky Boys. Also, you would NEVER hear Backstreet Boys, Nsync, Hanson, or any other shit bands. Now that would be an amazing radio station. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. Why Sheep are better than Women ********************************** * Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth * You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear * Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather * Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease * Nuttin' beats mutton * Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel * Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early * Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down * Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them * No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe * Sheep are never concerned about their reputation * Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up * Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't get it up for the second time * Sheep never insist on eating out * You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson * Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late * Sheep don't smell like tuna fish * Sheep don't get moody once a month * You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth * A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay * A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed * A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon * A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car * A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains * A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay * A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup * A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy * A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator * A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom * A sheep will never sue you for alimony * A sheep won't care if you screw her sister * A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is * A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing * A sheep won't use your razor to shave it's legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can * Sheep never have a headache * A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill * A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom * A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons * Sheep grow their own fur coats * A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football * Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend * A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning * Sheep aren't into talking before or after or during sex * A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up * A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator * A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style * A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom * Sheep are "ram tough" * A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, open beer bottles with your teeth * Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on * Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning * Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck * A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, its too hot, its too cold, you'll wake the kids, you'll wake the neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it, she's not drunk enough to enjoy it * A sheep will never turn up being your long lost cousin * Wool burn is better than carpet burn * Sheep don't care about the size of your penis, since they're all white * Sex with a sheep is never baaaaaad * and last but not least: A SHEEP WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU FOR A CUCUMBER!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. Swearing In French ********************* In this article I will teach you how to swear in french. Why in french? because almost everybody takes french in high school. French English ------ ------- merde - shit chier - to shit (verb) va chier - go shit manges la merde - eat shit je n'en ai rien a foutre - don't give a shit ce sont des conneries - that's a load of shit c'est rien que de la merde - its just a bunch of shit (lit: nothing but shit) tu vache - (lit. you cow) vas faire foutre a la vache - go fuck a cow va foutre la vache - go fuck a cow maudite vache - asshole/bitch/etc - (lit: damned cow) salope - bitch ordure - bitch conasse - bitch poofias - bitch chienne - bitch (lit. female dog) une vieille bique - an old bitch fils de pute - son of a bitch fils du chienne - son of a bitch ta mere est une cheinne - your mother is a bitch allez a enfer - go to hell va a enfer - go to hell va aux diable - go to hell va aux pelotes - go to hell baiser - to fuck (the verb) fous la camp - Fuck Off va chier - Fuck Off vas pisser dans les fleurs - fuck off (lit: go piss in the flowers) vas te faire foutre - go get fucked (lit: stuff you) vas te faire enculé - fuck you enculé - fuck you (anal style!?) baise-toi - fuck you tu t`emmerdes! - fuck yourself! Va joué Cache et tu t`emmerdes - go play Hide and go fuck yourself Va jouer avec toi - go play with yourself Va briccole avec toi - go tinker with yourself cul - ass embrasse mon derriere - kiss my ass pauvre con - asshole (lit: you poor cunt) troud cul - asshole (Québecois) il est becheur - pompous ass (lit: He's a pompous ass) le con - cunt la conasse, - cunt la chatte - cunt Maudit plotte! - filthy cunt (Canadian) bite - cock coq - cock leche moi et saire me renier - lick me and make me cum tete moi le dard, enculé! - suck my dick, you faggot! mes couilles - my balls tu m'emmerdes - you're pissing me off (lit: you're shitting on me) tu me fais chier - you are pissing me off (lit: you're making me shit) putain - whore/slut pute - whore va te faire - up yours je m'en criss - I don't fucking care (Québecois) je m'en calisee - I don't fucking care (Québecois) je m'en tabarnak - I don't fucking care (Québecois) je m'en sacre - I don't fucking care (Québecois) Another thing to do is ask your teacher to tranlate: I seal my rooster (Je phoque mon coque) ^^^^ ^^^^^^^ animals ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. Crisis At Womat: Part 2 ************************** When I saw the robber at the door, the first thing that went through my mind was: Good thing I wore my brown pants. "Everyone remain calm, and I blow your fucking brains out" the robber said. "OH MY GOD!! We’re going to die!!" Paul, the class gay, yelled. "Shut the fuck up, you little fucker!" the robber said as he pointed his gun at Paul. "Everyone shut up and get the fuck away from the window." We quickly went to our seats. Mr. Billy slowly walked up to the robber and they started talking. "What do you think he is saying?" Shane asked. "Maybe he’s trying to get the robber to let us go" I said. "I think, he’ll give the robber his mustang, so he’ll leave us alone" Vanessa said. "Still, he wouldn’t be able to get out of here, the cops would get him." I said. "Good point, but does he know that?" Shane agreed. "Class, can I have your attention?" Mr. Billy said, "ok, this guy has just robbed a bank and he trying to get away but the police force him into the school, good move, anyway he is hiding and as long as you don’t get him mad, everything will be ok." Well, I thought, as long as all the students in the school are in the building, he can’t fire a shot because everyone will hear it and he’ll get caught. Then it happened. The one thing that fucked us up. To be continued...... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9.News ******* Pair charged in bank scam By: Tom GodFrey Toronto Sun, June 18,1998 Toronto Police have charged a Sri Lankan couple with defrauding at least 3 banks of $326,000 None of the money has been recovered. Police said about $50,000 was channelled to Sri Lanka and the UK Det, Paul Clark, of the Tamil Task Force, said the couple would rent office space and establish dummy companies, which gave them access to lines of credit at the banks. He said counterfeit US cheques would then be writen on the bank accounts and the money would be withdrawn or transfered to other accounts. Clark said the counterfeit cheques featured the logos and names of vaild US companies. "This scheme was simple in nature but elaborate in process" Clark Said. A man and woman appeared at Old City Hall court yesterday and were released on their own recognizance. Subaschandiran Sundarraj, 30, and wife, Harina De Silva, 23, of Scarborough, are each charged with four counts of fraud over $5,000 ********************* Government Computers set for year 2000? Toronto Sun, June 16, 1998 Premier Mike Harris says no one seems to know whether the provincial government's computer network will be ready for the year 2000. Auditor Erik Peters will release a report today detailing the situation. "We are into an area (where) there's no definitive solution offered." Harris said yesterday. "I don't know whether we are in trouble. I don't think anybody knows." The government has already spent $200 million trying to reprogram computers to recognize the year 2000. Years in most mainframe computers were limited to two digits. If the programming isn't changed, the computer will read the 00 in 2000 as 1900. Computers control many vital government functions, such as tax collection, welfare payments and vehicle licensing. - Jeff Harder ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Top Ten ************ Top Ten Lies 10. The check is in the mail 9. Hanson makes goog music 8. Area 51 doesn't exist 7. Coke is better than Pepsi 6. Windows is a good Operating System 5. Backstreet Boys aren't gay 4. this ezine sucks (actually this one's true) 3. No, that dress doesn't make you look fat 2. Yes, these are my real breasts 1. I promise I won't cum in your mouth ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. Jokes ********* Golfing Hitman ************** There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the guy and say, "Sure." So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. The friends all laugh. The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like." So one of the friends decides to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit man replies, "Sure." So the guy looks for a second and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!" This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, "I get $1000 everytime I pull the trigger." The guy responds, "$1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife." The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally the man starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?!? The hitman replies, "Just hold on..... I'm a about to save you a thousand bucks!" Friday, Saturday, Sunday ************************ A father and his little boy went into a local drugstore to pick up a prescription. While in the store. the little boy was browsing around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and quantities. Then, suddenly, the little boy finds his father and asks him, "Daddy, what are all those condoms?" The father, stuttered, and said, "Well, they are for protection, son" "Protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love." The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked, "Then why do these come in a package of three? The father coyly answered, "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon." "UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then, why are these in packages of six?" The father smirked, "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two Sunday afternoon." "WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked, "Well, then, why are these packaged a dozen at a time?" The father answered, "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February...." Monica's Wish ************* Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed. "No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish." "Let's see," said Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed." *Poof!* And just like that..........her ears were gone. Fore Play ********* A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Shout outs to: ch4x, and Hack Canada. Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it wasn't for Easter we'd all be Jewish. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most - Ozzy Osbourne In next issue: some shit Street date: May 1/99