*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 12 ** ** School's Out 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. Sykotic CD Review by: Syko416 3. Bob's Wisdom by: Bob 4. Suk Mi Pagoda Menu by: Syko416 5. Wasting Space by: Syko416 6. Creative Pizza Orders by: Syko416 7. Sykotic Interview: Ice Cold by: Syko416 8. Crisis At Womat: Part 6 by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^^^^^ One of these things doesn't belong --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial ************ Schools out for summer! Schools out for ever! Schools been blown to pieces! No more pencils, no more books No more teachers, dirty looks Out for summer, out till fall we might not come back at all! An little Alice Cooper for ya. I am just happy cuz school is out!! Anyways, i ain't got nuthin' 2 say (brain startin' 2 go). Enjoy the issue. Lates Syko BTW: the Next issue comes out on June 28 cuz that's when I am leaving on my vacation. So check it out then. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. Sykotic CD Review ********************* Look! Another Sykotic CD Review, and What am I reviewing in this issue? The New Blink 182 CD, Enema Of The State. They are just a punk rock bank and this is just a punk rock song (too bad that song's not by Blink 182) Here are the Songs on the CD 1. Dumpweed 2. Don't Leave Me 3. Aliens Exist 4. Going Away To College 5. What's My Age Again? 6. Dysentery Gary 7. Adam's Song 8. All The Small Things 9. The Party Song 10. Mutt 11. Wendy Clear 12. Anthem This is a pretty good CD. If you are a Blink 182 fan, you should buy this CD. It's good. I think that Dude Ranch (Blink 182's previous CD) is probably better. I give this CD a 4 out of 5. It is good punk rock, but not the best. The older CD was better. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. Bob's Wisdom * By: Bob * bob1004@hotmail.com * ********************* Bob's wisdom is my way of sharing my vast knowladge with the uninformed of this earth. This is my topic this week - Good Advice 1.Never hide under a moving car. 2.Never acept a drink from a urineologist. This one is short i don't have much time. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. Suk Mi Pagoda Menu ********************* Suk Mi Pagoda Menu Cuntonese Cuisine 6969 Fellatio Blvd. Escondildo, TO 281-6969 (that's Two ate one, sixty-nine,sixty-nine) A - La - Carte ************** Cream Sum Yung Guy.....Women love it Cum Drop Soup..........Same as above, but no MSG Suc Sum Tit............Chef's favorite Luncheon Specials ******** 1. Sum Yung Chick......Sweet and delicious 2. Sum Dum Fuc.........Same as #1 but without brains 3. Wong Hong Lo........Chinese sausage with 2 meatballs 4. Suc Mi Pork.........Mostly white meat for light eaters 5. Suc Mi Dork.........Mostly dark meat for big eaters Dinner Combinations ******************* 1. Goo in Hand........For those dining alone 2. Suc Mi Wang........Traditional Chinese sausage 3. Cum Too Soon.......Order early! These go fast! 4. Sum Dum Chick......Always a low cost favorite 5. Fuc Mei Slo........Takes 2 hours to prepare 6. Lik Mi Clit........A lip smacking Oriental treat 7. Goo Wee Chick......No extra charge for sloppy seconds 8. Yung Poon Tang.....Fresh daily 9. Too Can Choo.......Includes sausage and fish for two 10. Wai Too Yung.......Not available on school nights 11. Fuc Sum Now........Raw fish for those in a hurry 12. Tung Sum Chick.....Chef's Special 13. Sum Gulp Twat......Low-cal diet special 14. Bang Ho Face.......Served sitting down 15. Bang Ho Butt.......Served with warm oil and jelly 16. Hoo Flung Poo......Lobster bibs & raincoats provided ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. Wasting Space **************** This article is just wasting space. It helps my ezine look bigger :P ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. Creative Pizza Orders ************************* (Something fun to do during the summer) 1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. Use CB lingo where applicable. 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 7. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. 8. Answer their questions with questions. 9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. 10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE. 11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD. 13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 15. Stutter on the letter "p." 16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) 17. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 23. Change your accent every three seconds. 24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?" 26. Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't." 27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." 28. Rent a pizza. 29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. 32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 33. Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" 34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs. 35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 36. Imitate the order taker's voice. 37. Eliminate verbs from your speech. 38. When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." 39. Play a sitar in the background. 40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 42. Ask to see a menu. 43. Quote Carl Sandberg. 44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. 45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 49. Shout, "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" 50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?" 51. Psychoanalyze the order taker. 52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. 53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. 57. Report a petty theft to the order taker. 58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." 59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. 62. Try to talk while drinking something. 63. Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!" 64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 66. Be vague in your order. 67. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." 68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. 69. After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. 70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 73. Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. 75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. 79. Put them on hold. 80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. 81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'." 82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. 83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?" 84. When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." 85. Haggle. 86. Order a one-inch pizza. 87. Order term life insurance. 88. When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?" 89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. 90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. 91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. 92. Engage in some serious swapping. 93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say, "Please don't mention that word." 94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. 95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you. 96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots. 97. Order a steamed pizza. 98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. 99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. 100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. The Sykotic Interview: Ice Cold ********************************** 0) Elite Nick: IceMotherFuckinCold 1) Real Name: Steve 2) Age: 16 3) Location: Da Hood 4) Do you go to Church? NO 5) Do you go to school? YUP 6) Where were you born? A HOSPITAL..... 7) What is your email address? DUH 8) Which is better, Day or Night? Night. 9) What kind of music do you like? ANYTHING BUT COUNTRY 10)What bands do you like? EH LIKE A LOT OF THEM 11)Whats your alltime favorite song? WAR MACHINE 12)What song upsets you? ANY COUNTRY SONG CUZ THEY SUCK 13)Do you like sugar? WITH COFFEE AND CREAM 14)Do you like caffiene? ITS OK 15)Do you go crazy when you have a combination of both? YUP 16)Do you like Pepsi or Coke? COKE 17)Do you have any siblings? Ya 18)What cartoon character are you like? BEAVIS 19)Is there a celebrity that reminds you of yourself? ROAD DOGG 20)Whats your favorite thing to eat? PLASTIC 21)How many buddys are on your ICQ list? No 22)What are you alergic to? FAT CHIX 23)Have you ever been on TV? YUP 24)Have you ever been in the newspaper? YUP 25)Do you have a job? YUP 26)One word, Hanson: NO 27)Can you sing? No 28)What do you do when you're in the house all by yourself?LEAVE IT 29)What shows do you watch? TOO MANY 30)Whats your favorite color? Black 31)Are you affraid or heights? no 32)When were you born? THAT 1 DAY 33)What time were you born? 4:20 34)What is your zodiac sign? CANCER 35)What color is your underwear? EH NO 36)Do you like scary movies? yeah 37)Have you ever masturbated? LOL (editor's note: that's a yes) 38)If so, to what? LOL 39)Do you like men or women? WOMEN 40)Have you ever consumed alcohol? yes 41)Have you ever smoked weed? YES 42)Have you ever smoked tobacco? yea 43)Did you ever skip a class in school? sure 44)Truth or Dare? DARE 45)Have you ever been drunk? YA 46)Have you ever Bee stoned? YA 47)Have you ever seen a pornographic movie? yea 48)Have you ever seen a pornographic magazine? yea 49)Have you ever seen a pornographic Website? LOL 50)Have you ever had sexual intercourse? YA 51)Have you ever had anal intercourse? NO 52)Have you ever recieved anal intercourse? NOOOOO 53)Have you ever "rimmed"? EH 54)Have you ever given a blow job? NOOO 55)Have you ever recieved a blowjob? YA 56)Have you ever performed fellatio? NO 57)Do you have any warez? yes 58)Do you have any mp3z? YA 59)Have you ever been arrested? no 60)If so, for what? um.. 61)Have you ever played dress up...in that way? NO 62)Would you go down on me in a theater? NO 63)Have you ever been horny? YA 64)Are you horny right now? NO 65)Do you know what urine tastes like? NO 66)Have you ever walked in on your parents having sex? NO 67)If so, Did you join in? no 68)Have you ever used cocaine? no 69)Have you ever 69ed? MAYBE 70)Have you ever used shrooms? YA 71)Have you ever used Opium? no 72)Have you ever used speed? YA 73)Have you ever used Crystal? NO 74)Have you ever urinated on another person? nah 75)Have you in the past five years defecated in your own pants? um no 76)Have you in the past five years *intentionally* defecated in your own pants? uh no! 77)Have you ever received fellatio while defecating, or vice versa? NO 78)What's your favourite position? UHH 79)Are you an 31337 hax0r? NO 80)Do you like chilling? um ok 81)Monday Night Raw Watching? YA 82)Are you normal? YA 83)Are you regular? see above 84)Have you ever been Hypnotized? no 85)What's better, WWF or WCW? WWF 86)Does it suck to be you? NO 87)Why don't you get a job? I HAVE 1 88)Do the girls think you are pretty fly? MAYBE 89)When I say jump, you say: NO 90)Are you (or have you ever been) Insane? YA 91)Does anything else matter? NO 92)Do you read Sykotic Times? YA 93)Do you enjoy it? ya 94)Is it 31333 $hit? YA 95)Do you have faith? no 96)Is there a God? YA 97)Is there a Heaven? NO 98)Is there a Hell? yea 99)Is there a Devil? ya 100)Have you told the truth in this interview? yea END! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. Crisis At Womat: Part 6 ************************** Shane was unaware of the gun pointed at his head. He just stood perfectly still, looked at the all the police cars that were below him. "Wave to the fuckers!" The robber commanded. Shane started to wave. All of a sudden, the robber pulled the trigger. The bullet hit Shane in the back of the head causing him to move forward and he fell over the edge. His head smashed into the windshield of a police car that was parked below him. His head exploded on impacted. There was blood everywhere. "Oh, Fuck" I said in disbelief. Vanessa was also shocked. She just sat there looking at the robber, who was yelling something at the police. She started to cry. I put my arm around her and tried to comfort her, while the thought, "I am going to die" went through my head. I had to do something. I wasn’t going to die without a fight, but before I was going to risk my life, I wanted to know the answer to one question. "Vanessa," I said "If I get us out of this, will you go out with me?" She stopped crying and looked at me. "If you get me out of this, I’ll have sex with you." She replied, I couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic. "We’ll start, with a date" I said as I stood up. "Where are you going? No, please! Please, don’t go!" she begged as she started to cry again, "please don’t leave me" I looked into her eyes and saw a young girl that was face to face with death and didn’t want to be alone. Deep down inside, I didn’t want to leave he, but I knew that I had to at least try to save ours lives. "I am sorry, but I have to." I whispered to her. I turned my back and started to walk towards the robber. I heard her crying. I felt bad, really bad, but I knew I was doing the right thing. "Here goes nothing." I thought to myself as I walked closer to the robber. To be continued...... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9.News ******* Old Scam Still Works Toronto Sun, June 7 1999 A College St. Convenience store owner who fell for an old scam was conned out of $14,800 last week. Toronto Police said the owner was asked Thursday to exchange $12,000 US for Canadian dollars at a favourable rate. the victim agreed and accepted an envelope which he believed was filled with $100 US bills. On Friday, the victim discovered the envelope had been stuffed with $1 bils. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Top Ten ************ Top Ten Things To DO when schools out 10. Play football 9. 69 8. Drugs 7. Go to the movies 6. Have sex 5. Play video games 4. Your girl friend 3. Stay out late 2. Chill 1. The Neighbour's daughter ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. Jokes ********* What is green and smells of bacon? Kermit the frog's finger. What A Find! ************ A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance. 1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look again..... It now says: "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!" Two Lesbians in a Bar ********************* These two lesbians walked into a bar One extremley pretty and one extremley ugly. The pretty one said to the ugly one "I get us a drink". So she walked up to the bar and said to the bar-tender "Two jim beams and coke" the bartender got the drinks and said "thats $10" she said "I don't have any money" the bartender said "well how are you going to pay for them?" she repiled "I'll show you my tits" he looked at her and repiled "o.k." so she showed him her tits, then took the drinks back to the table the ugly one said "how did you pay for those?" the pretty one said "I showed him my tits and he gave them to me for free!" The ugly one said "I try that" so she walked up to the bartender and said "two jim beams and coke please". The bartender said "that will be $10 please" the ugly one turned around and said "I don't have any money!" the bartender said "well how are you going to pay for them?' she repiled "I will show you my tits" he repiled back "your'e ugly so your tits will be ugly!" so the ugly one said "O.K. then I will let you smell my friends pussy!" the bartender repiled "what that one over there?" (pointing to the good looking one) she said "yer", the bartender said "yer o.k then" so the ugly one leaned over the bar and breathed in his face!!!! Sex Deprivation *************** Three couples applied for membership to a new church, the pastor explained, " First you must show your devotion to god by remaining celibate for three weeks." The couples agreed that was not too much to ask, and went on their way. Three weeks later the couples returned. The pastor asked the first couple of their experience, to which they replied, "The first week was most challenging, but with gods help, the remaining two weeks were quite insightful." "Bless you my children," the pastor replied with an approving smile, "and welcome to our congregation." The pastor then looked to the second couple and asked if they had grown from their experience as well. To which they replied, "Well the first two weeks were sort-of touch and go, if you know what I mean, but we figured it was for a good cause and all.. so we finally made it." The pastor then looked upon the third couple with great expectation and asked them the same question. "Not so good," the man answered ashamed of himself, "The first coupla-days went okay, but when I saw my wife bend over to get in the refrigerator.. well.. I just kinda lost it." The pastor's look became very disapproving. "I'm afraid you will not be allowed to join our church." "That's okay," the man said sheepishly, "They wont let us in Safeway anymore either." The Perfect Man *************** A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.' She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Emails: Bob - bob1004@hotmail.com Syko416 - Syko416@hotmail.com IRC Hang outs: Efnet - #ch4x, #hackcanada Shout outs to: ch4x, and Hack Canada. In next issue: The conclusion to Crisis @ Womat Street date: June 28/99