*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 13 ** ** Canada Day 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. CANADA RULES!!!! by: Syko416 3. Bob's Wisdom by: Bob 4. Only In America by: Syko416 5. The Canadian Way Vs. The American Way by: Syko416 6. Penis Study by: Syko416 7. Big Sister Is watching by: Syko416 8. Crisis At Womat: Part 7 by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten (3) by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^^^^^ Same as Last Time =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ A couple Of things have changed in this issue, for one, the margins are wider, do you want to know why? cuz Wider Is Better. Also you've probably noticed that this is the Canada Day Issue and not Independence Day Issue or July 1999 Issue. That's cuz I am pround to be CANADIAN (yes it's true) and I felt like showing all of you that I love Canada and that I am 100% loyal to my country. (so there you go :P) Also, this issue is out a little bit earlier that normal that's because I am on vacation and I wanted to release this issue before I left. Also, the next issue won't be out until I get back on July 20. But don't worry, when August comes, the issues will come out every 15 days. I might even put in a bonus Summer Issue. You neve know what can happen. Anyways, By the time you read this, I'll be out of beautiful Canada and In Portugal (that's in Europe, incase you didn't know) Anyways, If you send me email or an article, I am sorry but I won't reply and you probably won't be able to put your articles in the next issue cuz most of it is already done (I just have to make 2 more articles) anyways, later Syko416 =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. Canadian Rules! ******************* I wrote this article just to prove to the world that CANADA RULES!! Personally, I don't need anyone to prove this to me but I'll porve it for all you Americans. Let start with the movies. Who is on of the funniest Actors at his peek right now? Jim Carey, and Guess what, HE'S CANADIAN! you want an other funny Canadian actor? Leslie Nelson. (yup he's Canadian too) But we don't only have Comedians we also have serious actors like Neve Campbell (she's Canadian, and really hot!) Who else? Well, Mike Myers, Pamela Anderson Lee, Michael J Fox, Matthew Perry, Keanu Reeves, Meg Tilly, and Norm MacDonald and Also Canadian. We Also have great directors, James Cameron (Titanic, T2, Aliens) and David Cronenburg (Videodrone, Lost Highway, Naked Lunch) Ok, Canada Rules the movies, but what about music? Canada can't possibly rules that too. Well, you're wrong! Canada Rules that too. Let's see who's Canadian: Shania Twain (one of the greatest Country Singers ever) Barnaked Ladies, Our Lady Peace, Bryan Adams, Celine Dion (Ok, that's not sometime that I should be pround of but hey, she's canadian), Sloan, Len, Rusty, Great Big Sea, Blue Rodeo, Serial Joe, Alanis Morrissette, Neil Young, Philosopher Kings, The Guess Who, Sarah Mclachlan, 54:40, Ashley MacIssac, Moist, and Tragically Hip. But Canada doesn't only rule the Rock music scene, It also rules Rap, Hip Hop and Dance with artists like Rascalz, Maestro, Love Inc., Thrust, MC Face, 2Rude, Checkmate, Chris Shepard, Choclair, Kardinal and Outkastz. And how could anyone forget Canada's BEST musican, Stompin' Tom Coners! Ok, What about TV, does Canada Rule that too? Sadly no, Canada doesn't completely rule TV, mostly because most of the TV stations around the world are from US. But Canada does have a bunch of kick A$$ shows like The Red Green show, The Tom Green Show, Royal Canadian Air Farce, Open Mike, Jonovision, Street Cents, Ed's Night Party, Coach's Corner, Much Music (the TV Station), Speaker's Corner, and the classic, SCTV. And who can forget one of Canada'a bigest TV stars, Ed the Sock! Don Cherry, Peter Kent, Lloyd Robertson, Peter Kent, Sharon, Lois and Bram, and the Devil's Advocates are also great Canadian TV Stars. And What about sports? Yes, Canada RULES sports. We didn't only invent Hockey, Lacrosse, and Basketball (we did you know) but we also have get athelets. Athelets like Wayne Greztky (the great one), Bret "the Hitman" Hart, Owen Hart (aka The Blue Blazer), Guy LaFleur, Maurice "The Rocket" Richard, Killer Kowalski, Jacques Villeneuve, Gilles Villeneuve, Ed Belfour, Ross Rebagliati, Val Venus, Doug Flutie, Gordie Howe, Tie Domi, Doug Gilmour, Bret Hull, Mario Lemieux, Mark Messier, Patrick Roy, Frank "Freight Train" Wayne, Felix Potvin, Brendan Shanahan, Steve Yzerman, Greg Moore, Paul Tracy, Edge, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Donovan Bailey, (The worlds fastest man, he even beat the American guy um... what's his name?) and the rest of the Hart Foundation. You want another thing that makes Canada Great: BEER Don't forget, Canada's best (and only) fighter plane, The Avro Arrow Also, maybe the greatest man to have ever lived, JIMMY POONWACKER!!! And a whole bunch of stuff I forgot to mention. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. Bob's Wisdom * By: Bob * * ************************ In all my articles, I have not said much about myself. This is my biography. I am often seen playing full contact chess, or participating in quadriplegic demolition derbies. I produce enough energy in 15 seconds to light a 120 watt lightbulb for 3 1/2 hours. I take cocaine as a depressant. Pictures of my chin are banned in Russia, due to an incident involving a shovel, a cow, and a glass of water. I am part of " the Liberation Army to free Elbonia." I hold more power in my right pinkie than in my entire left pinkie. Children trust me. On weekends I channel the sprit of my dead goldfish, who is doing fine. I have spoken to God, Elvis, and Joe. And my wisdom is infinite. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. Only In America ****************** This is a New Article that I found and I thought it was pretty funny. (Note: it is a REAL Article) Yahoo! News, June 16 1999 Man Arrested For Hitting Girlfriend With Fish SAN DIEGO, Calif., (Reuters) - Teach a man to fish and he will eat for the rest of his life. Give Nicholas Vitalich a fish and he will hit his girlfriend with it, police here said Tuesday. Vitalich, 24, was arrested Tuesday on charges of assault with a deadly weapon after he allegedly beat his 21-year-old girlfriend with a large tuna after an argument in a supermarket, San Diego police spokesman Bill Robinson said. Robinson told Reuters Vitalich was also charged with resisting arrest because he fought with officers when they tried to apprehend him. "The woman had left the store after the argument and was out in the parking lot when the male approached her and struck her with a large tuna," Robinson said. "When officers got there she had a cut above her eye, bruising on her right arm and cuts on both legs, from where she was knocked to the ground," Robinson added. Robinson said witnesses told the officers that the Vitalich "repeatedly hit her with this large fish." He said the fish was fresh, not frozen, but considered a deadly weapon in the same way shoes or teeth can be weapons. Robinson said Vitalich was arrested by officers a short distance from the supermarket. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. The Canadian Way Vs. The American Way **************************************** USA: People have the right to bear arms. CAN: People have the right to bare breasts. USA: '69 referred to as the "Summer of Love." CAN: '69 referred to as dizzying heights for the dollar. CAN: Forests endangered by over logging. USA: Forests endangered by celebrities on skis. CAN: Biathlon consists of skiing and shooting. USA: Biathlon consists of snowmobiling and swimming. CAN: The nation's leader exposes himself to controversy while going abroad after a weather crisis. USA: The nation's leader weathers controversial crisis, exposing himself while going after a broad. USA: Spent millions of dollars getting their most intelligent researchers to create a pen that will work in space. CAN: Use pencils. Remember: A Canadian is just an unarmed American with good Health Care. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. Penis Study ************** Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead. (don't you just love Canada, eh?) =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. Big Sister Is Watching ************************* Everyone is always talking about Big Brother, and how Big Brother is watching, but no one ever talks about Big Sister. For the people that don't know, Big Brother is all the American Government and Police forces (FBI, CIA, NSA, Secret Service, etc) and as you can probably guess, Big Sister is the Canadian verison (CSIS), but the only difference is that everyone knows about Big Brother, it's all over the news, but not a lot of people know about CSIS. CSIS stands for Canadian Security Intelligence Service. They are more secretive them the FBI or CIA because when they investigate a crime, they pretend to be local police. That's why you don't see things in the paper about them. Remember that shooting in Littleton? In the news, you heard about the FBI's investigation. But the shooting in Alberta, you just heard about the local police's investigation. CSIS is like the FBI. They have information on everyone in the country, they conduct phone taps (Beware phreakers), they do stakeouts,they do undercover shit, they even set up video cameras in your room. I know what you are thinking, if they do all this, then what happens at the trial when they have to present it to a jury? well, they take all the information they get, and give it to someone in the local PD and that person says it was him that got info. You see, The CSIS got mad skills. They probably have your phone taped right now. So Beware, you won't see them coming (or going). and, oh yeah, they don't walk around with shirts that say CSIS like they do in USA (well they wear shirts that say POLICE or FBI), that's just plain dumb. For more info on CSIS, check out their website: http://www.csis-scrs.gc.ca/ If you want a list of CSIS phone numbers, check out my phone book. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. Crisis At Womat: Part 7 ************************** So here I am, walking towards the robber, trying to save 2 innocent lives. I have no clue how I am going to do this, but I must do it. *SNAP* I stepped on a branch. The robber heard it was turned around, pointing the gun at me. "Where the fuck do you think you’re going? Ya dumb fuck" he said. "Hold on, you don’t want to do anything you might regret later" I said as I raise me hands to show that I pose no threat. "Shut the fuck up!" the robber barked at me, "I do whatever the fuck I want, and there ain’t nothing you can do about it, bitch!" He was still waving the gun around. "Ok, ok, just relax." I said, trying to calm him down. "Hey!" A police officer yelled through a mega phone down on the street. The robber turned around. This was my chance. I ran towards the robber and dropkicked him. He looked at me just as my foot hit him. He shot at me but he missed, shooting into the air. He fell backwards and fell off the school. I saw the fear in this eyes as he fell. He fell through a tree and landed on the grass. A swarm of police officers raced towards him and arrested him. I turned around and saw that Vanessa wasn’t there. She had been taken out of harms way when I was keeping the robber busy. I went down to the ground floor and saw her there talking to a detective. When she saw me, she ran towards me and gave me a hug. "Thank god you’re alive!" she said. "I guess it’s time for that date, eh?" I said. *WACK* Vanessa slapped me. "How dare you ask me out after what you just did." Vanessas said "What did I do?" I asked puzzled. "If you don’t know what you did, I am not going to tell you." she said as she turned around and walked away. "See, that’s exactly why I became gay" Paul said. "Shut up, Paul." I replied. I really wasn’t in the mood. "Come to the gay side" Paul said. "I am warning you" I said. "I mean, why would you even want to go out with a bitch like that?" Paul said. That time he went too far. "THAT’S IT!!" I said as I turned around and punched Paul in the face, knocking him out. I didn’t know why, but I suddenly felt a bit better. THE END What did you think of the story? Email me and tell me syko416@hotmail.com =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* Wrestling Star Sues WWF Yahoo! News, June 4 1999 BRIDGEPORT, Conn. (AP) - Pro wrestling champion Sable is suing the World Wrestling Federation for $110 million, complaining it wanted her to participate in a lesbian storyline, expose her breasts on TV and appear in sexually degrading photos. The lawsuit, filed Thursday in federal court, charges that professional wrestling has become increasingly "obscene, titillating, vulgar and unsafe." Known for her waist-length hair and scanty outfits, Sable, whose real name is Rena Mero, said the WWF stripped her of her championship belt by scripting her defeat in a televised "Monday Night Raw" match three weeks ago. Her downfall, she claims, came after she repeatedly refused to have her gown torn off on national television, exposing her breasts. Jerry McDevitt, a lawyer for the WWF, said Mrs. Mero's allegations are absolutely untrue. "It's the legal equivalent of a rabbit punch," he said. Mrs. Mero's lawsuit comes less than two weeks after the death of WWF wrestler Owen Hart. During a May 23 pay-per-view event, Hart fell more than 70 feet to his death while being lowered to the ring on a cable. During her nearly three years with the WWF, Mrs. Mero went from valet for her real-life wrestling husband, Marc Mero, to the WWF women's champion. She recently was featured on a Playboy cover and in a photo spread, and has been getting guest roles on television. In an upcoming TV Guide cover story, she said there is a difference between posing for Playboy and exposing herself in the ring. "In the middle of a wrestling arena where they're serving alcohol and there are screaming fans - including children - in the front row, I don't feel like that is the proper place to be exposed,'' she said. ``Posing for Playboy for me was a classy and tasteful thing to do.'' The lawsuit claims negligence, breach of contract, unfair trade practices and intentional infliction of emotional distress. =-= Canadian wrestler's widow files wrongful death lawsuit Adrian Humphreys National Post, June 16, 1999 The widow of professional wrestler Owen Hart made an emotional trip to the city where the Canadian wrestling star died to file a wrongful death lawsuit and attack the current state of wrestling. Fighting back tears, Martha Hart, who married into a family synonymous with wrestling in Canada, lashed out at the sham theatrics and staged buffoonery of professional wrestling and said she is suing so no other wrestler will "be subjected to the same unsafe, dangerous demands which are increasingly becoming a part of wrestling entertainment." Mr. Hart, 33, a Calgary-born father of two and the youngest member of a wrestling dynasty that includes wrestling superstar Bret (The Hitman) Hart, died May 23 at Kemper Arena in Kansas City. He plunged 21 metres when preparing to be lowered into the ring by a cable for a dramatic entrance in front of a live audience of 17,000; an estimated 400,000 were tuned into the event on television. Mrs. Hart, Owen's brother Bret, and parents Helen and Stu, travelled from Calgary to Kansas City with their lawyers to file their claim for unspecified "fair and reasonable" damages. The lawsuit lists 46 counts against 13 defendants, including: Mr. Hart's employer, the World Wrestling Federation; Titan Sports, WWF's parent company; Vince McMahon, WWF chairman; the companies that manufactured the harness and cable system used in Mr. Hart's stunt; the people who set up the equipment; and the city of Kansas City, which owns and operates the arena. Two WWF spokeswomen refused to comment on the lawsuit yesterday, forwarding calls to senior officials who did not return phone messages. At a news conference yesterday morning, Mrs. Hart fought back tears as she delivered a stinging indictment of the WWF. "Professional wrestling has become a showy display of graphic violence, sexual themes and even more dangerous stunts. In their ever-increasing effort to increase ticket sales and TV market share, the WWF has deliberately chosen to promote profit at the expense of the most basic safety of its performers. "Make no mistake, wrestling is a show and it's fake; it is entertainment. "Owen has died and there is nothing I can do to bring him back, but my one hope, above all, is that his death will not be in vain. For the sake of our children, my wish is that Owen's death will serve as a vehicle to vastly improve the safety in this industry." The Hart family was especially upset at the decision by the WWF to continue on with the wrestling matches after Mr. Hart's deadly descent. "Out of respect for my husband, Owen, and our family, I believe the show should not have gone on. But to me, this demonstrates the mindset of the WWF and Vince McMahon." Kansas City police homicide detectives are continuing their criminal investigation into Mr. Hart's death. "They are looking to see if there was any criminal negligence in regards to the promotion and production of the stunt," said Sergeant Floyd Mitchell. He said the lawsuit has no bearing on the police department or the investigation. Mr. Hart wrestled under the moniker Blue Blazer, and was wearing the garish costume of that character at the time of the head-first drop. Most spectators thought it was a scripted stunt until paramedics and police swarmed into the ring. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten ************ Top Ten Reasons why Canada is Best (and better than USA) (You knew this was coming) 10. In USA, a Loonie is worth between 70-60 cents but in Canada, it's worth $1 9. The Backstreet Boys and Hanson live in USA, nuff said 8. When it's 20 Degrees in Canada, it's a warm day, when it 20 degrees in USA, it's freezing 7. Canada is easy to spell and to pronounce in every language 6. We are one of the only countries that can put up with Americans 5. We know how, and when to use the word, "eh" 4. We have two official languages, and a leader that speaks his own 3. Women in Ontario can walk around topless legally (Gotta love that ;) 2. We are not stupid (*cough*USA*Cough*) 1. We're Canadian, eh? Top Ten Reasons to Be Canadian 10. Bob and Doug McKenzie! 9. Own-an-eskimo scheme. 8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins 7. Dudley Dooright - the Canadian Mountie 6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise. 5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? 4. Kids in the Hall, SCTV and most original Saturday Night Live alumni are fellow Canadians 3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors. 2. Back bacon! 1. It beats being an American. Top Ten reasons to live in Ontario, Canada 10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein 9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house 8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar 7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime 6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city 5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition 4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Seperatist 3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election 2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump 1. You live in the center of the universe. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********* In Too Deep *********** A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he crashes the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!" She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in." Maria and Her Husbands ********************** Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries a few weeks later, and has another 22 children with her second husband. Maria dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together." A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs." =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Emails: Bob Syko416 IRC Hang outs: Efnet - #ch4x, #hackcanada Shout outs to: ch4x, and Hack Canada. In next issue: more $hit than you can shake a stick at Street date: July 20/99