*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 14 ** ** July 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. Confucius Says by: Syko416 3. Dog Named Sex by: Syko416 4. Sykotic CD Review by: Syko416 5. If I had 10 Million Dollars . . . by: Syko416 6. Insane Ramblings by: Syko416 7. How You Have Sex by: Syko416 8. How Dirty is Your Mind?? by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^^^^^ OH MY GOD! It's the same person! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ I am not here right now so please leave a message after the beep. . . . BEEP! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. Confucius Says ***************** All men eat, but Fu Manchu. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face. Passionate kiss is like spider web-lead to undoing of fly. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day. Man who fight with wife all day, get no peace at night. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone. Man who live in glass house,dress in basement. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand Baby ill-conceived in automatic car, shiftless bastard. Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk! Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter. Better to sleep with chicken than to choke it. Boy fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed. Boy go to bed with sex problem wake up, solution in hand. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. Do unto others what you think is funny. Don't judge book by cover, but by how thick it is. Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy. Girl who marry detective must kiss dick. Girl who sits on jockey's knee gets hot tip. Girl's best asset is her `lie' ability. He who keeps both feet planted firmly on ground, have trouble getting pants off. He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money. He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind. He who stand on toilet is high on pot. He who stands in corner with hands in pocket, feels nuts. Hockey player on ice have a big stick If you turn an oriental around, he become disoriented. Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy! It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. It's OK to meet girl in park, much better to park meat in girl! Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy. Man trapped in whore house gets jerked around Man who go out with flat chested woman feels shallow. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger. Man who polish knob play pocket pool. Man who put cock on stove have hot rod. Man who put rooster in freezer over night have frozen cock. Man who smoke pot choke on handle. Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs. Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist. Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it Pentocostal who pass out get laid in church Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind. Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk. The early worm has a death wish... To prevent hangover stay drunk! When baby cry, give bust in face. Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down. Woman who eat twinke get cream in mouth Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. Woman who wear G-string, high on crack! Women fake orgasm, Men fake foreplay. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. Dog Named Sex ************************************************************************************************* (Note: I did not write this one) Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Spot" I made the mistake of calling mine "Sex". Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said "But this is for a dog." He said "I don't care what she looks like." Then I said "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, Another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised he called me a pervert. I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said "I've come for my dog." She said "Which one Spot or Rover?" I said "What about Sex?" She slapped me. After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again. Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the cages the operator up to me. I said I'm looking for Sex. He said I was looking in all the wrong places. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honor I had Sex before I was married." He said "What's your point, so did I." I said "But my wife wants to take Sex away." He said "That's what happens in a divorce." Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I was looking for Sex....... My case comes up Friday. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. Sykotic CD Review ********************* Look! Another Sykotic CD Review, and What am I reviewing in this issue? The New Limp Bizkit CD, Significant Other. Most of you might remember Limp's remake of the George Micheal song Faith, that was on their first CD, Here's what's on this CD: 1. Intro 2. Just like this 3. Nookie 4. Break Stuff 5. Re-arranged 6. I'm Broke 7. Nobody Like You 8. Dont' Go Off Wandering 9. 9 Teen 90 Nine 10. N 2 Gether Now (In together now) 11. Trust? 12. No Sex 13. Show Me What You Got 14. A Lesson Learned 15. Outro This CD is pretty cool, it's mostly hard rock with rap lyrics, it also has skits between songs. The current (first) single is Nookie. Track 10, N 2 Gether Now, is pure hip hop. It was produced by D.J. Premier and the lyrics are by Method Man and Fred Durst. This is an enhanced CD. If you stick it in your computer, you can see a film of some guy spray painting the cover of the CD on a wall (it looks pretty cool) and you get an alien wallpaper. If you look in the booklet that comes with the CD, on the last page, you'll see a pic of Fred Durst (lead singer)'s head on Lara Croft's body. (That's just Something I found funny) Also check out Wes Borland's eyes, they look pretty freaky (and cool) All in all, I give this CD a 4.5 out of 5 because this CD is wicked! and I can't find anything wrong with it. If you liked their first CD, go out and buy this one Track 2, Just Like this, also appears on the Big Daddy Soundtrack Limp Bizkit's video/DVD "poop" will be out in September '99. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. If I had 10 Million Dollars . . . ************************************ Me and some of my friends were talking about winning the Lottery (the jackpot was about $10 million) and I got to thinking, what would I do with $10 million? This is what I am up with. (note: it´s $10 million AFTER taxes) $ 1 Million to my Mom \ »» cuz, hey, they deserve it. $ 1 Million to my Dad / $ 1.25 Million to Cancer research \ »» cuz I care,(plus they could dedicate »» something to me and I´d be famous) $ 1.25 Million to Aids research / $ 1 Million for my education (money for university, books, etc.) $ 1 Million for my house (In Toronto) and the $hit inside. $ 300,000 For a Fully loaded Hummer and customize it, put in awesome stereo system and put in some hydrolics and make the Hummer Bounce (imagine seeing that :) $ 200,000 for a Fully Loaded Dodge Viper $ 2 Million in the Bank incase I ever needed it. And with my final Million dollars I´d buy $hit for my friends and relatives and the left over money from that some stuff for myself :P =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. Insane Ramblings ******************* Why is there no ham in a hamburger? --------------- If God knows everything, why doesn't he give the Pope the lottery numbers so they don't have to waste time taking up a collection? --------------- Notice that user-friendly programs are usually the ones yelled at the most? --------------- If a man farts in a forest and no one is around, does it smell? --------------- I can bullshit out of my ass. --------------- I don't *get* logic . . . --------------- Beauty is just a lightswitch away --------------- Quitters never win, winners never Quit But those who never win AND never quit are idiots! --------------- If We don't take care of the customer, Maybe they'll stop bugging us --------------- If you can't learn do something well, Learn to enjoy doing it poorly -------------- if something is hard to do, it's not worth doing at all. -------------- hard work often pays off atfer time but laziness always pays off now -------------- Why could Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when someone threw a gun at him. -------------- Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? -------------- Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? -------------- Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? -------------- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? -------------- What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? -------------- When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? -------------- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? -------------- What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? -------------- Is it possible to be totally partial? =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. How You Have Sex ******************* ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures. ACTORS do it on cue. ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method. AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker. ANSI does it in the standard way ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old. ARCHITECTS have great plans. ARTISTS are exhibitionists. ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over. ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus. ATTORNEYS make better motions. AUDITORS like to examine figures. BABYSITTERS charge by the hour. BAILIFFS always come to order. BAKERS knead it daily. BAND MEMBERS play all night. BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal. BARBERS do it with shear pleasure. BARTENDERS do it on the rocks. BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base. BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often. BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey. BEER BREWERS do it with more hops. BEER DRINKERS get more head. BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds. BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry. BOSSES delegate the task to others. BOWLERS have bigger balls. BRICKLAYERS lay all day. BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber. BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time. BUTCHERS have better meat. C'Bers do it on the air. CAMPERS do it in a tent. CARPENTERS hammer it harder. CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor. CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm. CHEMISTS like to experiment. CHESSPLAYERS check their mates. CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation. CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically. CLOWNS do it for laughs. COACHES whistle while they work. COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs. COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs. COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop. COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software. CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation. CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it. COPS have bigger guns. COWBOYS handle anything horny. COWGIRLS like to ride bareback. CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls. CREDIT MANAGERS always collect. DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds. DEADHEADS do it with Jerry. DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck. DENTAL HYGENISTS do it till it hurts. DENTISTS do it in your mouth. DETECTIVES do it under cover. DIETICIANS eat better. DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack. DIVERS do it deeper. DOCTORS do it with patience. DRUGGISTS fill your prescription. DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time. DRYWALLERS are better bangers. ELECTRICIANS check your shorts. ENGINEERS charge by the hour. EXECUTIVES have large staffs. FARMERS spread it around. FIREMEN are always in heat. FISHERMEN are proud of their rods. FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard. FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush. FURRIERS appreciate good beaver. GARBAGEMEN come once a week. GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses. GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day. GEOLOGISTS are great explorers. GOLFERS do it in 18 holes. GYMNISTS mount and dismount well. HACKERS do it with fewer instructions. HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs. HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency. HANDYMEN like good screws. HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision. HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer. HUNTERS do it with a bang. INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers. INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house. INVENTORS find a way. JANITORS clean up afterwards. JEWELERS mount real gems. JOGGERS do it on the run. LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper. LAWYERS do it in their briefs. LIBRARIANS do it quietly. LOCKSMITHS can get into anything. LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer. MACHINESTS make the best screws. MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye. MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet. MANAGERS supervise others. MARKETING REPs do it on comission. MILKMEN deliver twice a week. MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done. MINERS sink deeper shafts. MINISTERS do it on Sundays. MISSILEMEN have better thrust. MODELS do it in any position. MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters. MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs. MOVIE STARS do it on film. MUSICIANS do it with rythm. NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing. NURSES call the shots. OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under. OPERATORS do it person-to-person. OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face. PAINTERS do it with longer strokes. PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash. PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion. PILOTS keep it up longer. PLUMBERS do it under the sink. POLICEMEN like big busts. POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected. POSTMEN come slower. PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets. PRINTERS reproduce the fastest. PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end. PROFESSORS do it by the book. RACERS like to come in first. RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.. RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it. REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots. RECYCLERS use it again. REPAIRMEN can fix anything. REPORTERS do it daily. RESEARCHERS are still looking for it. RETAILERS move their merchandise. ROOFERS do it on top. RUNNERS get into more pants. SAILORS like to be blown. SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues. SCIENTISTS discovered it. SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5. SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop. SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls. SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists. SPELUNKERS do it underground. SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay. STEWARDESSES do it in the air. STUDENTS use their heads. SURGEONS are smooth operators. TAILORS make it fit. TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town. TAXIDERMISTS mount anything. TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking. TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals. TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls. TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks. TRUCKERS carry bigger loads. TYPISTS do it in triplicate. VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers. VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up. WAITRESSES serve it piping hot. WATER SKIERS come down harder. WELDERS have hotter rods. WRESTLERS know the best holds. WRITERS have novel ways. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. How Dirty is Your Mind?? *************************** Take the quiz and write down your answers, when you're done scroll down and see the real answers. Give yourself 1 point for every answer you get right. 1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I? 2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I? 3. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I? 4. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I? 5. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I? 6. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I? 7. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I? 8. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush. What am I? [Scroll down for answers & score] ANSWERS: ******** 1. A dentist 2. A wedding ring 3. An elevator 4. A nose 5. A newspaper boy 6. A glove 7. An arrow 8. A bird SCORING: ******** 0-1 YIKES! 2-4 Get your mind out of the gutter! 5-6 Good job. 7-8 Are you asexual? =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* Nothing important happenned. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten ************ Top Eleven Possible Titles For Monica Lewinshy's Next Book 11. I Suck At My Job 10. Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton 9. How I Blew It In Washington 8. Going Back for Gore 7. How To Beat Off the Government 6. Deep Inside The Oval Office 5. Me and My Big Mouth 4. What Really Goes Down In The White House 3. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule 2. Secret Services to the President 1. She's Chief of MY Staff! (Note: There are 11 instead of 10 cuz I thought up another one) =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********** Bigger Breasts ************** A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?" 20 Pound Baby ************* A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds. "WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar. Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds." The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened? The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!" Wedding Day *********** Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black.... =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko IRC Hang outs: Efnet - #ch4x, #hackcanada Shout outs to: ch4x, and Hack Canada. In next issue: The Winning 6/49 numbers Street date: August 1/99