*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 15 ** ** August 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. Bull Fighting by: Syko416 3. Sykotic CD Review by: Syko416 4. How To Get Free Phone Calls From ANY payphone by: Syko416 5. Sykotic Movie Review by: Syko416 6. Interview With Elvis by: Syko416 7. Comedy Routine by: Syko416 8. Dead Isn't Always Dead: Part 1 by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ He Has A Strange Disease =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ y0! I haven't done this in like a month. Well, I am back from my vacation. It was pretty cool. I spent most of my time chilling with my relatives and watching movies, which inspired me to make a Sykotic Movie Review. Anyways, I also wrote a bunch of articles so, Sykotic Times will keep going for a long time (well, I didn't write THAT many articles, but I am still going to keep writing them) N joy The Issue =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. Bull Fighting **************** As you may or may not know, during the last week in June and the first couple weeks in July, I was in Portugal on vacations. One next I was chilling, watching TV (well, what else couple I do? Portugal doesnīt even have taco bell) Let me tell you something, in Canada and US, Basic cable is between 20-30 channels, in Portugal, basic Cable is 4 channels. Hereīs what was on TV that night: Channel 1: Portugeuse Soap Opera Channel 2: Portugeuse Soap Opera Channel 3: Portugeuse Soap Opera Channel 4: Bull Fighting What could I do? I had tto watch Bull fighting cuz I donīt really like soap operas. I started to watch it. It was someguy on horse back, throwing spears at the bull (and they call this a sport?) Anyway, I got to think: "WTF is up with this? How can you do that to a helpless bull? (well, not really helpless, it still charges the horse but most times misses and if he gets the horse, the guy just jumps off and heīs ok and the horse getīs killed)" I mean , they go out and get a bull , stick it in a ring, and get someguy on horseback to throw spears at the bull, thatīs not a sport. Itīs just plain wrong. You are killing an innocent animal (I could understand if the bull did something) at least they use the dead bull for food, so itīs not completely wasted. Then it started to get dumb. After the guy puts like 5 or 6 spears in the bull, he leaves and a group of guys come in to the ring. One guy puts on green hat and calls the bull. The bull charges and the guy tries to jump on the bullīs head. Then the others come and help him out. One guy grabs the bullīs tail for control, then they let the bull go. And if the guy does get on the bulls head (i.e. he gets thrown in the air) he has to try it again and he keeps doing it untill he gets it right (or dies, which ever comes first) Iīm like "WTF??!!" apparently this is to prove that the guy is brave (and really stupid) I mean why would a sane person want to do this? I could understand if he was forced to do it (some sort of weird punishment) or if he was brainwashed, but he did it on this own Free will. He must be insane But thatīs just my opinion, I could be wrong. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. Sykotic CD Review ******************** In this Issue, am going to review the re-release of Lenny Kravitzīs 5. I know what you are thinking, why did they re-release it? Well, basicly itīs cuz they added 2 extra, bonus tracks, for the SAME LOW PRICE! Whata Bargin eh? Here is the track listing: 1. Live 2. Supersoulfighter 3. I Belong To You 4. Black Velveteen 5. If You Canīt Say No 6. Thinking Of You 7. Take Time 8. Fly Away 9. Itīs Your Life 10. Straight Cold Player 11. Little Girls Eyes 12. Youīre My Flavo(u)r (Canadian spelling) 13. Can We Find A Reason? 14. American Woman (Bonus Track) 15. Without You (Bonus Track) American Woman is a cover of the classic The Guess Who song. I think that Lenny Kravitz did an amazing job with the song. Maybe itīs better than the original (maybe). As for the other tracks, they are all pretty good. I really liked "If you Canīt Say No" and "Itīs Your Life" Lenny Kravitz is an excellant gitarre player and song writer (well, I am not sure if he writes his own songs) Basically heīs a 90s verison of the late Jimi Hendrix. All things considered, I give this CD a 4.5 out of 5 cuz I donīt really like track 2 (Supersoulfighter). I think if th CD didnīt have that track, I would have given it a 5 out of 5. If you liked Lenny Kravitzīs older albums you should go out and buy this record (if you havenīt already) Also if you like Jimi Hendrix, you should listen to some of Lennyīs songs, and see if you like him. Track 14, American Woman, can also be found on the "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me" Soundtrack. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. How to get Free calls from ANY payphone ************************* I resently came up with a way to get free phone call from ANY payphone. (well, not really ANY payphone, it has to let you call toll free numbers) and itīs really simple and not hard to do and you donīt damage the phone. Basically, all you have to do is go to a convience store or a gas station and buy one of those prepaid calling cards (make sure itīs the kind that you call a toll free number) The cheaper the better. (Note: Sometimes you get a free 5 or 10 minute calling card when you buy something like pepsi or Rayovac batteries. You might also find them at payphones, but they will probably be all used up, itīs still good though) Anyways, all you have to do is call the toll free number and enter the pin and it will say: "You have X Minutes remaining, to recharge, press 1 now" just press 1 (if it is 1) and it will say: "please enter you credit card number and exp. date and press #" after you enter it, it will ask how much time do you want to put on. put the Maxium time. Simple as that. I know what you are thinking, "But donīt I need the card ownerīs info, and how do I get a card?" No, most of the recharge services and automated and donīt ask for all that info. You can get a card by picking up a reciept of something someone bought and paid with a credit card. It should have the card number and the exp. date on it. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. Sykotic Movie Review *********************** y0, this is something thought up after watching an amazing movie and I wanted to tell everyone about it. The movie was Bound (I know it's an old movie and it's already out on tape, but it's very good) If you haven't seen it, go to your local video store and rent it. Here's some info about the Movie Title: Bound Type: Lesbian-Mafia-Love Story (Drama) Staring: Jennifer Tilly as Violet Gina Gershen as Corky Joe Pantoliano as Ceasar Written by: the Wachowski Brothers Directed by: the Wachowski Brothers Rated: R For: Nudity, Sexuality, violence, Lanuage, etc Lenght: About 90 minutes Violet seduses a handy woman, Corky, and make a plan to steal over 2 million dollars from Violet's Mafia Boyfriend, Ceasar. Basically it's a lesbian Wild Things with a mafia twist. Personnaly, I liked it. One of the best parts was at the end when someone (I can't say who or it will ruin the ending) drives off in a new red chevy truck. The Camera comes up the hood up the windsheild and over the roof and you can see the reflection of the camera in the windsheild. It's the funiest thing I have ever seen. If you want my advice, go see it, it's really good. |-----------------| | Bound | | * * * * | | of out 5 | |-----------------| =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. Interview With Elvis *********************** One day I was chillinī at my home when my phone rang. It was the one and only Elvis. Hereīs how it went down: Syko416: Yo! Elvis: Hey, this is Elvis. S: The Real Elvis? E: Yeah. S: Cool, y0, can I ask you something? E: What? S: Are you really dead? E: Nah, I faked my death. S: Why? E: So I can fuck my daughter, sheīs REALLY HOT! She thinks sheīs fucking an Elvis impersonator. It turns her on, and I think itīs kinky. S: I think itīs Sick. Man, sheīs your fucking daughter! I am putting this in my ezine, and Iīll tell the world! Then sheīll stop fucking you. E: NO! wait, how many people read your ezine? 2? 3? S: Millions. E: Oh shit! Iīve said too much! *Click* Well, there you have it, the truth about Elvis and his sick and twisted (and really kinky) daughter. Oh yeah, and for the record, only like 200 people read each issue but you never know, maybe in the future, millions of people will read it. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. Comedy Routine ****************** Hereīs a routine that I thought up. You Up and coming comedians can use it but give me credit. Hey, howīs everyone doing? good? Letīs do a quick survey, howmany people have had sex in the past week? how many people have had sex yesterday? ok, how many people are having sex RIGHT NOW? oh, just my then (note: have hand in your pocket) ok, how many people are going to have sex tonight? This guy was clapping until his girlfriend poked him in the ribs and gave him a no-sex-tonight look. The last woman I had sex with hated me, I could tell by the way she asked for the money. I said: "I know I wasnīt great be atleast I was fast" Seriously though, I am not that good in bed, hell, I am not that good on the couch either excuse me sir, when was the last time you had sex? not sure? should I ask youīre wife? excuse me madam, when was the last time you had sex? last week? was it with him? (point at old man) cuz he doesnīt remember Thank you, good night! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. Dead Isn't Always Dead: Part 1 ********************************* Jim arrived at the airport at around 8am Toronto time, and he was totally exhausted. He spent most of last night partying with his cousins in Portugal but for his 5am Portugal time (12am toronto time) flight. He hadplanned on sleeping on the plane but there had been to much noise and he wanted to watch the inflight movie. After he picked up his suitcases, he headed towards the passenager pick-up area to meet some of his friends. As soon as he walked through the door, he saw his best friend Fred. Jim had known Fred since kindergarden, and he'd always been a joker. Today was no different. Fred was wearing a Rastapharian hat with fake dread locks hanging down. He had jeans and a white t-shirt that said: "Mean people suck, Nice people swallow" He was also holding up a sign that said: "looking for nice people" Jim walked up to Fred and Fred said: "Sorry, men only" "Fuck you!" Jim said jokingly "Where's everyone else?" "They're chillin' in the airport lounge" he said as he took one of Jim's suitcases "Come on" They walked to the airport lounge and ran into the rest of them. There were about 8 of them. They asked Jim about his trip and if he wanted to go to the halloween party they were throwing later tonight. Jim agreed. Jim looked around and noticed that his girlfriend, Megan, wasn't there. Jim and Megan had been frineds for years and had started to go out their last year of high school. Meg was Jim's high school sweetheart. They were completely in love and were planning to get married in the spring. "Hey, where's Meg?" Jim asked as he kept looking around. "You mean you don't know?" one of his friends said. "Know what?" Jim asked puzzled They all became quiet and avoided Jim's glances. "Know what???" Jim repeated. "Jim," Fred said as he put his hand on Jim's shoulder, "Meg is .... um.... dead" Jim stared into Fred's eye for what seemed like 30 minutes. He was searching for something that said it was all a joke. He didn't find it. To Be Continued . . . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* Briton Jailed For Using Cellphone On Plane Wednesday July 21/99, Yahoo! News By Daniel Simpson MANCHESTER, England (Reuters) - A judge sentenced a British oil worker Wednesday to an unprecedented one year's jail for endangering an international flight by refusing to switch off his mobile phone. Neil Whitehouse, 28, was convicted of "recklessly and negligently endangering" a British Airways flight carrying 91 passengers from Madrid to Manchester after he ignored repeated requests from the crew to switch off his phone. "You had no regard for the alarm that would be caused to passengers by your stubborn and ignorant behavior," Judge Anthony Ensor told Whitehouse at Manchester crown court. Ensor said the case was the first time anyone had been prosecuted in Britain for using a mobile phone aboard a plane and there was no precedent to guide him on sentencing. The sentence should serve as a warning that mobile phone use on planes, which is illegal in Germany and the United States, would be treated as seriously as violence on board aircraft, Ensor said. Both British Airways and the Civil Aviation Authority (CAA), which looks after the interests of all UK carriers, welcomed the landmark ruling as a step in the right direction. "We welcome the fact that the court has recognized the seriousness of the hazard from mobile phones,'' BA spokesman Jamie Bowden said. Although Whitehouse made no airborne calls, aviation experts told a three-day trial that radio waves from the phone could have sparked an explosion or affected the Boeing 737's navigational systems as it flew at 31,000 feet (9,500 meters). "The scientific evidence showed that there was a real possibility of risk," Ensor said. "You were sitting six meters (20 feet) away from 100 pieces of complex electrical equipment," he told Whitehouse. Whitehouse, who was sitting over the aircraft's wing fuel tanks, said he had just been preparing a text message to send on his arrival in Manchester. Despite warnings from the pilot and crew he kept his phone on. His lawyer argued that any potential interference to the plane's systems would have been only for a few seconds and could have been corrected. Judge Ensor called for urgent new legislation specifically covering mobile phone use on planes following CAA evidence given in the trial. Detective Sergeant Rick Bates of Manchester Airport police agreed action was necessary. "The possible consequences in this case could have been far more serious than from on-board violence. Luckily they weren't but that is no guarantee for the future." he said. ******************** Insane Clown Posse Joins Family Values Tour July 23/99 All Star -- Mike Magnuson Insane Clown Posse will be bringing their rapping horror show this year's Family Values tour just a month after wrapping up their headlining tour with Biohazard and Twistid The '99 Family Values tour, which launches in late September, will mark the first time Insane Clown Posse has taken part in a package tour. ICP joins a lineup which is expected to include Limp Bizkit, DMX, and Filter. Ex-Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee's recently signed Methods of Mayhem also hope to be on the bill Other names tossed around for possible inclusion on the tour have included Kid Rock and the Foo Fighters, but a spokesperson for the Firm, the management company which puts together the tour, was unable to confirm or deny any of the acts on the tour. Confirmed dates are expected to be announced shortly. Meanwhile, ICP, who took a break form their tour to perform Friday at Woodstock '99, continue to ride the success of "Another Love Song," their first single to chart at modern rock radio. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten *********** Top Ten Things Bill Clinton Would Say If He Were A Star Wars Character 10) Well, Luke...it depends on what your definition of the word "father" is. 9) You're how old? You know...queens didn't look like you when I was growing up... 8) These are not the droids you're looking for, ma'am. Say, it's getting hot in here -- you might want to take off your top. 7) Mind if I take my little friend and plug him into the hyperdrive? 6) I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky. 5) Lightsaber in my pocket? No...I'm just glad to see you. 4) Dark side...light side -- I don't really care as long as I get seduced. 3) Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people at once. 2) Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Sounds good to me! 1) She's my sister?!? Well...I am from Arkansas. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********* Surprise! ********* A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus!" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver!" Viagra ****** So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription. Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks "Why, is your dick in that much pain?" "No", says the guy, "it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!" Mixed Message ************* A rabbi has been with his temple for 20 years. To reward him, they send him on a trip to Hawaii. When he arrives he finds in his hotel room, a beautiful young woman stretched out naked on the bed. He immediately calls the folks back home, outraged. "Have you no respect for me and my position? I'm a rabbi. This is incredibly disrespectful and despicable." So while he's ranting, the girl gets up and starts to get dressed. When he gets off the phone he says to her, "Where are you going? I'm not mad at YOU." Dad? **** A young punker gets on a cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and of course orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart....didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son." Which Feels Better? ******************* A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better your ear or your finger?" =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko IRC Hang outs: Efnet - #ch4x, #hackcanada Shout outs to: ch4x, and Hack Canada. In next issue: HaXoR IsSuE Street date: August 16/99