*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 21 ** ** November 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. Messing around with the commentry on Championship Manager 2 by: ISP Law UK 3. What To Wear? by: Syko416 4. Shoplifting by: Aftermath 5. Jocks Vs. Nerds by: Syko416 6. Denial Of Service Technique by: OpticFiber 7. Syko416's Conspiracy Theory #3 by: Syko416 8. Insane Ramblings by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Letters by: Readers like U 13. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ Guess who wrote the longest title =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ Hey, hey! Look, let another issue of Sykotic Times with 4 different Authors! That means anyone, even You, reading this right now, can write an article for Sykotic Times, on what ever you want. Anyways, In this issue, you have TONS of shit including a New Conspiracy theory by Yours Truly. What To Wear was left over from Last issue. anyways, enjoy the issue. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. Messing around with the commentry on Championship Manager 2 * by * ISP Law UK * ******************************************************************** Before we get started this also works on CM2 97/98. I managed to discover this myself before i was off to the footie. I don,t have CM2 any more because i have got CM3 so i,m doing this by memory, so please bear with me. In the CM2 folder there should be two text files one of them has a list of players names just ignore this and go for the other one. On the other one you should see the commentry in plain english. But before you go off chaging and thinking you know what to do now. The text file is pretty full up and after of typing a sentence or two it will say to you to view it in word pad and that when you get problems. So heres what you need to do. Add delete do what ever to the commentry. Once you have finished changing it copy the file and open up a new text document make sure it .txt. Now paste the writing on to the new .txt file (it should hopefully fit in) now save the new file over the original file which is in the cm2 directory. You should be done. All this sounds more complicated than it really is. Also i maybe wrong at some point as i have written this off memory. If the file is fucked up this is what should happen. During the game u won,t be able to get any commentry at all. Also make a back up of the file. email-t0spolice@hotmail.com webpage-http://phreakman.8m.com/ =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. What To Wear? **************** A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg... so he writes to a dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The ong robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. He writes the company a REALLY RUDE letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Caramel apple!" =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. .SHOPLIFTING. .by: Aftermath. Hi, I am Aftermath and I am a shoplifter. This is my text about shoplifting. In this text I am not realy going to tell you how to shoplift, but what to do if you are cought and what will happen if you do get cought shoplifting. I have been shoplifting for a few years now, and 5 days ago I was cought shoplifting 10 glow sticks from Overwatie. My problem was that I was stoned and over-confedent. Those are two things that you Never EVER want to have mixed together, EVER! I some times smoke weed before I shoplift because it makes me very paranoid and I think that every one around me is an under cover cop and if they see me I am busted. But drugs are bad, so dont do them. But this time I was stoned and also over confedent. Any time you are over confedent about shoplifting it is more risky. I was over confedent because I shoplifted lots of glow sticks from their before, so I had a layed back "dont wory" type of attitude when I entered the store. When I went in, I looked suspisious too, I was dressed all in black with a pack sack, and I am a teen with no adult with me, so the security guards were probibly watching me more than any one else. Another mistake I made was I got too gready. I grabed 4, then walked to an empty isle, then stuck them in my pocket, then went back for another 4, then stuck them in my pocket in another empty isle, then I went back for the last 2 that were there, and grabed them and stuck them in my pocket right there. The whole thing lasted about 5-8 minutes. Then I made the biggest mistake I could make, Instead of walking out of the store into the parking lot, I walked out of the store to the inside of the mall. If I had walked to the parking lot I could have made a run for the street, and then I would have been home free. But I wanted to lift some more stuff from the mall, so I started walking, then about 20 seconds out of Overwatie, into the mall, 2 guys came running up from behind me and stood on eather side of me and said "Can you please come with us" as they flashed some sort of ID that I didnt look at to hard. These guys looked about 25-30 years old and they were dressed casuly like normal shoppers. When I turned around there was a lady and a bag packer who worked there. I had no chance of running for the doors, besides, I knew that the security guards in the mall would chase me if they saw me running from people from Overwatie. So 4 people escorted me to the back of overwatie and sat me down in some little room. First thing they did was ask me how much I took and they were amazed that I took so much from them. Then They asked me to empty my pockets (I was SOOO lucky that I had one of my friends to hold on to my weed for me or I would have been busted for that too.) Then they asked me my name, then for ID. I Am assuming they do that to see how much I would lie to them, because they asked my name first, then ID. Then they took 2 poloroids of me, then on a form of all my vital stats. Then they phoned the cops. One of the security guys read me my rights, even tho he wasnt a cop. The first right is to get legal council, wich means you can phone your lawer, not your mom or dad, unless they are your lawers, but only your lawer. I said no. And then the right every one knows "The right to remain silent". You dont have to say a word to any one for any reason, but it does make everything go a lot smother if you do tell them what they ask, BUT I am only talking shop lifting and what I would do, not Murder and what you should do. They told me I was banned from comming to that store again for one year, and if I did, I would be escorted off. When the cops got there they read me my rights, put hand cuffs on me, then took me to the car and stuck me in. We went to the cop shop and they took mug shots and my name and vital stats. Then they stuck me in an intarigating room and asked me some questions, like why I did it, and stuff like that. Then they left, and phoned my parents and my dad came to pick me up. I got off realy easy, no community service, but Me and my dad have to go to some meeting with some overwaitie guys and I gotta say that I am sorry. Now for some details... as soon as I got busted I knew I was going to make a text on it, so I tried to ask as many questions to the security guys as I could without pissing them off. So I wondered what happened to the glowsticks, like would they become evedence or something like that. But no, the glow sticks went back on the shelves. I asked them how they cougt me, they said that one of them saw me walking around a lot, looking realy suspisious, and the other saw me stick 2 glow sticks in my pocket (If only I didnt get greedy). I asked if any one saw it on the security cameras, and he told me that half of the cameras were duds and that one person watches the cameras. He told me that the cameras are only used for evedence incase some one trys to do an armed robery or something. The guys didnt search me, or look in my back pack that I had with me, so I probibly could have pulled out 3 glow sticks and gotten away with stealing 7 of them. Only the cops looked through my bag, but they didnt search me either. The security guys probibly arnt payed that much, so if I made a run for the back door in the back of Overwatie and got onto the street, they probibly wouldnt have chased me, but I could be wrong. Now, once they sit you down in a chair, there is almost no escape, unless you can bribe them. The security guys always stayed realy close to me incase I tried to run, so remember that, once they say "Can you come with us please" there is almost no escape. Another thing to remember is that they probibly wont bust you untill you leave the store, and if they do try to bust you if you are still in the store, you can tell them "Fuck you, I didnt steal shit" and if they ask to see in your pockets you dont have to. If they phone the cops, and they make you empty your pockets and you have something you stuck in your pockets, tell them that you didnt leave the store and that you were going to pay for it. Anyway, thats my story of being busted. It is kinda sad, because I must have stolen thousands of dollars worth of stuff in my life, and I am now being busted for 10 $2 glow sticks. If you want to find out more about shop lifting and how to do it, the best text on shoplifting I have ever seen was made by RTF of the UPL, http://phonelosers.net and it was the UPL zine called shoplifting. Anyways, later! Oh yeah, I almost forgot, dont shoplift, and dont do drugs, they are both wrong and illigal. Aftermath Field Specialist WRAITH Tech Industries Making The Impossible Happen Every Day http://www.wraithtech.zzn.com =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. Jocks Vs. Nerds ****************** The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $8.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game over. Nerd wins! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101 0101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010 1010 0101 0101 OpticFiber's Denial Of Service Technique 1010 0101 0101 1010 Dated : 10/29/1999 1010 0101 0101 1010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101 0101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010 ::::Disclamer:::: This material should be used only as information to secure networks or servers. Anyone using this technique in an irresponsible manner is doing so at their own risk. Once this file is downloaded the author is not responsible nor will he accept responsibility for any action taken by anyone who uses this technique. ::::The Target:::: Target : Windows NT 4.0 server running IIS 4.0 System Config : 512Mb ram with 128 L2 cache supporting only one domain.FTP service not started. ::::The Technique:::: This technique may be used by malicious hacker as a denial of service attack on Windows NT server (I have tried this method on unix and mac servers without any success).The technique involves submitting the web site (eg. www.sitenme.com) hosted by the server to a large number of search engine simultaneously. These search engines must be of the type that spider the whole site. By doing so the server become over whelmed by the number of spiders trying to index the site at once and the server then crashes. In my test case the server dumped its whole memory contents. Anyone with malicious intent can take down a site if he chooses to do so. If a cracker or hacker use this technique there is no way to trace or identify the perpetrator. If the particular server hosts multiple sites then one can only imagine the concequences. ::::The Remedy:::: Use robot.txt where necessary to limit the robots and spiders from indexing your site fully. Also limit the number of connection to your site to that which your server can connect. This can be do in IIS properties. ::::HAVE A FUN:::: -=OpticFiber=- =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. Syko416's Conspiracy Theory #3 ********************************* It's been a while since my last conpiracy Theory. The government has made it harder for me to find conpiracies , but I've found one, a good one. You will now Know: The REAL Reason Why Toliet Paper Scratches! Did you ever wonder why toliet paper scratches compared with Tissues? The government gives you some BS explaination, but I've found out the truth. By reading this you life may be at risk. If you don't want government agents hunting you down, then stop reading right now! If you don't care about the government, then keep reading. Now, on to the good stuff. The reason toliet paper scratches is because the government wants to cause pain and scabs "back there" Why? So you don't have anal sex. You think that might sound funny, but why would the government want that? it's simple, so you have normal intercourse and the gets pregnant and has a child. Why is this good? so when the government goes to wars, some 20 years later, they have more soliders, and , therefore, a bigger chance of winning the war! but remember, you didn't hear it from me. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. Insane Ramblings ******************* * On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other hand, I'm not. * The world's full of apathy, but I don't care. * I there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. * Prejudiced people are all alike. * There's no such thing as nonexistence. * I have my doubts about disbelief. * Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. * One should never generalize. * He who laughs last thinks the slowest. * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. * All generations are false, including this one. * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. * Profanity sucks. * Save the whales. Collect the whole set! * A day without sunshine is like, night. * 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. * I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. * Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it is? * I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. * Why Does Success always occurs in private and failure occurs in full view? * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * Honk if you love peace and quiet. * If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. It only gets worse. * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. * Never test the depth of the water with both feet. * If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. * If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. * Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? * Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? * Should you trust a stockbroker who is married to a travel agent? * If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* Howard Stern, Wife Separate Saturday October 23/99, E! Online Howard Stern's double life as stripper-loving shock jock and rock-solid family man has seemingly come to an end, with Stern and wife Alison announcing late Friday they are splitting up after 21 years of marriage. "This is an amicable separation," spokesman Dan Klores said in a statement. "Following mediation, both Alison and Howard, who care for each other very much, have come to an agreement and settled all their concerns." Apparently the Sterns are not divorcing. No official word on who will retain custody of their three daughters, ages 16, 12 and 6, but it is believed that the girls will stay with Alison on the family's Long Island estate, while Howard lives at his Upper West Side penthouse. According to reports in New York papers, the Stern separation is a result not of Howard's incessant on-air lusting after big-breasted, clothes-eschewing guests, but rather his workaholic ways. There's the syndicated radio program, the two TV shows--one for CBS, one for E!--and a list of projects in development that includes additional series, books and movies. While his busy slate earns the "King of All Media" upwards of $20 million a year, it doesn't make for quality family time. As anyone who's ever listened to his morning show, read his autobiography or seen Private Parts knows, Howard considered himself a devout family man and always professed his love for Alison, because she married him when he was still a struggling, gangly dee-jay, years before he became radio's pioneering shock jock. In fact, his book was dedicated to his wife "who stuck with me through thick and thin...who loved me before I had a radio show." After four years of courting, Howard married the former Alison Berns--then a social worker--in 1978. They stayed together as he bounced from Connecticut to Detroit to Washington, before landing in New York. Alison often became an unwitting participant to the raunchy radio proceedings, frequently phoning in to contradict Howard's complaints about their sex life. The only time the joking really got out of hand was after Alison's miscarriage when Howard cracked, "We got him in formaldehyde. Just because he's in a bottle doesn't mean he can't have a life of his own." He later apologized to his wife on-air about the remarks. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten *********** Top Ten "My Dick Is So Big . . ." Jokes 10. My dick is so big, Iīm itīs bitch. 9. My dick is so big, itīs behind you. 8. My dick is so big, I can fuck an elevator shaft. 7. My dick is so big, we are in it right now! 6. My dick is so big, Donald Trump owns it. 5. My dick is so big, my mom was in labour for 3 extra days. 4. My dick is so big, The head has only seen the balls in pictures. 3. My dick is so big, they use the bullet train to test my condoms. 2. My dick is so big, I entered a big dick contest and came in 1st, 2nd and 3rd. 1. My dick is so big, it has itīs own dick, and itīs dick is still bigger than yours!!! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********* How Baby's Are Made ******************* A Young mother was once again pregnant and trying to explain to her little girl how she had got that way. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took and egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and mommy made the egg. So the little girl asks, "So if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there? Does mommy swallow it?" Her mother replies. "She does if she's wearing a new cocktail dress." The Motor Cyclist ***************** Steve is shopping for a motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!" THE RABBIT ********** The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" The Scottish Farmer ******************* A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo.." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo.. Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat . . . " Cojones ******* An American tourist went into a restaurant in Mexico for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "you see the bull, he does not always lose.." =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12.Letters ********** From: "Aftermath Aftermath" To: Syko416@hotmail.com Save Addresses Subject: Dead isnt always dead. Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 16:16:10 -0700 Dead isnt always dead was the coolest story you made yet. Keep the storys comming. Aftermath Field Specialist WRAITH Tech Industries Doing The Impossible Everyday http://www.wraithtech.zzn.com Get your Free E-mail at http://wraithtech.zzn.com =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 13. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Emails: ISP Law UK - t0spolice@hotmail.com Aftermath - aftermath_phreak@hotmail.com OpticFiber - opticfiber@mad.scientist.com Syko416 - syko416@hotmail.com Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko http://phreakman.8m.com/ http://www.wraithtech.zzn.com Shout outs to: ch4x, Toronto 2600 and Hack Canada. In next issue: Thanksgiving Issue (pass the turkey) Street date: November 15/99