*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 22 ** ** Thanksgiving 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. COINCIDENCE OR NOT??? by: Syko416 3. OTHER WAYS TO USE THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY by: Syko416 4. Hotmail Scam by: Syko416 5. How To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner by: Syko416 6. Sykotic CD Review by: Syko416 7. How To Cook A Turkey by: Syko416 8. Syko's Conspiracy Theory #4 by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ Loves Turkey =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ I know, I know. This is a Canadian ezine and we are celebrating an American Holiday (Canada's Thanksgiving was on Oct 11) but I didn't know what else to call this issue, plus, Instead of the Canadian thanksgiving issue I had the halloween Issue, which got some good reviews. Anyways, in this issue there's a bunch of cool shit. But first a CLASSIC thanksgiving joke (which most people probably know but oh well) The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting. The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits." She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you bastard." Well, the little boy heard every word they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastards were. She told him that they were people. Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy tits were. She told him that they were coats and hats. The little boy accepted both answers and went on his way. The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The dad cut himself and said "Shit!" Well once again, the boy started asking questions and asked what 'shit' was. The father told him that it was "shaving cream". The boy accepted this answer and went downstairs were his mom was stuffing a turkey. When the mom cut herself with a knife, she said "Fuck!" The boy once again asked what 'fuck' was. She told him that it was "stuffing". About that time, the door bell rang. When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents. Upon opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi bitches and bastards. Let me take your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. Dad's upstairs putting shit on his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey." Enjoy the Issue, Syko416 =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. COINCIDENCE OR NOT??? ************************ Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Both were shot in the presence of their wives. The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and to Dallas, respectively. Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names comprise fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse. Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater. To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. What do you think: Mystery or a statistical coincidence? =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. OTHER WAYS TO USE THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY ******************************************** *As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with. *As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time. *As a hood ornament. *As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Harriet can't kiss you and say, "How much you've grown!" *As a football for the after-meal game. *One word... bowling! *Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun. *An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie. *A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from. *Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks. *If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed. *As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact. *As a gift/bribe for a professor. *As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!) *As a doorstop to keep your relatives out. *Makes a great doggie chew toy. *Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!" *Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature. *Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals. *Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking fowl! *Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!" *Two words: Turkey puppet. *Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's stock. *Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you. *From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog! *As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. Hotmail Scam *************** This scam is really easy to do and you'll get full access to someone's hotmail address (it also works on other email systems) Basically, all you need to do is get an email account that is something like Security_1502@hotmail.com Then send the victim an email (like the one below) saying that there's been a Hard Drive crash and they need you to send them all you info. I didn't think this up myself, I recieved the email below and that gave me the idea to write the article. Anyways, Enjoy! From: "SECURITY PERSONAL" To: syko416@hotmail.com Subject: HOTMAIL UPDATE Date: Wed, 03 Nov 1999 18:41:20 PST --HOTMAIL© THE LARGEST ONLINE ELECTRONIC E-MAIL PROVIDER WITH OVER 8 MILLION ACCOUNTS-- Greetings HOTMAIL© user! We are currently updating our systems here at HOTMAIL© due to a recent computer crash on com2 of our internet service provider The Micosoft Network©. This crash left our E-mail accounts frozen and unaccesable without propper user authorization. In order to maintain fast reliable E-mail access we will require you, the HOTMAIL© user to reply to this letter with the following information: Your, -REGULAR USER E-MAIL ADRESS -USER LOGIN NAME -USER PASSWORD -USER PASSWORD REMINDER -USER NAME (first and last) -USER LOCATION (country, city, state/province/republic, postal code) Any changes to your account will be further forwarded to you. Thank you for your patience and coperation, --HOTMAIL© Staff (Security Update branch#1502)-- ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. How To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner ************************************** *Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor. *Shoot olive pits at Granpa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!) *Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise. *Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. *Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw. *Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home. *Hold your nose while you eat. *Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. *Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing." *Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. *Announce that you've got a new fear of choking. *When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go. *Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, "THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. Sykotic CD Review ******************** It has to start somewhere, It has to start sometime What better place then here, What better time then now That's right, in this issue I am reviewing the long awaited CD from Rage Against The Machine, the Battle Of Los Angeles. Here's the Track Listing: 1. Testify 2. Guerrilla Radio 3. Calm Like A Bomb 4. Mic Check 5. Sleep Now In The Fire 6. Born Of A Broken Man 7. Born As A Ghost 8. Maria 9. Voice Of The Voiceless 10. New Millennium Homes 11. Ashes In The Fall 12. War Within A Breath This CD is AWESOME! One of the best CDs I own. I give it a 5 out of 5 just because, 1, I love this cd, awesome lyrics, awesome music, and, 2, I dont feel like writing anymore :P Next Issue: Korn - Issues OR Marilyn Manson - Last Tour On Earth =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. HOW TO COOK A TURKEY *********************** Step 1: Go buy a turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step 7: Turk the bastey Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick Step 14: Turk the carvey Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. Syko's Conspiracy Theory #4 ****************************** I was just sitting there, watching tv and then I saw a commerical for the Santa Claus Parade (it's basically a christmas parade in toronto)and I noticed something weird. It's getting farther away from Christmas (Dec 25). Every year it seems that it gets farther away. Last year it was on Dec 1, and this year, it's on NOVEMBER 21!!! Like holly fuck! That's over a month before Christmas! I started thinking. Why would anyone want to do that? Who would have the most to gain? Then it hit me. The Department Stores! It all started to make sence. People usually start thinking about Christmas (and buying gifts) around the time the Santa Claus Parade is held. Therefore there is a long Christmas Shopping season if the parade is held earlier, and people have more time to buy gifts and then people will end up buying more gifts because they have more pay checks to spend on Christmas gifts. (they also tend to buy more expensive stuff) Therefore the Department Stores make more money, and that makes the CEO very happy. All that leaves is How they do it, which is very simple if you think about it. Who sponsor/make the floats? DEPARTMENT STORES!! And by making the floats, they also have the power to decide when they want to have the parade. They Could just keep the floats in storage for like 3 weeks but do they? No. It's all a big plan to make money! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten *********** TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T 10) It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out! 9) If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst! 8) It's Cool Whip time!!!! 7) She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down. 6) "and he forced his way into the end zone..." 5) Talk about a huge breast! 4) Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist. 3) I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 2) Whew, that's one terrific spread! 1) Reach in and grab the giblets. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********* 3 Choices ********* A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.The wive says, "I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob." So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says,"your dick tastes like shit!" The guy says, "yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either." 3 Rooms ******* There were 3 college guys on a summer vacation road trip across the country. One night it starts raining really hard so the driver decides to pull over to the nearest inn. When they get inside the clerk tells the 3 men that there are only 3 rooms left. He says ,One with a bunch of pigs one with a bunch of donkeys and one with 18 beautiful women. The first guy says,You know I'm really tired and I don't care what room I sleep in so I'll sleep with the pigs. The 2nd guy says, Man I was driving all night and I just want to hit the sack. I'll sleep with the donkeys. The third guy who has been drinking all night and is wide awake says, Well that leaves me with the women. The next morning the first guy wakes up and says, Man, it smells like shit in here. He goes over to the second guy's room and when he walks in there is an instant odor in the air.Man, this smells just as bad as my room ,the first guy said.Finally, the two guys walk into the third guys room and smell a wonderful scent. They say "This smells like a golf course" The third guy says "Well, that's probably because I was putting my balls in 18 holes all night. Sex Problem *********** A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work". "Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there". "Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom". "Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie". "Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack". "Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards". "What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate" Drug Trial ********** Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", the judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, "This small circle is your asshole before prison...." Computer Doctor *************** One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks. Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Shout outs to: ch4x, Toronto 2600 and Hack Canada. In next issue: It all Happenned at the bank: Part 1 Street date: December 1/99