*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 23 ** ** December 1999 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. So You Want To Be An Asshole by: Syko416 3. Definitions by: Syko416 4. Lessons I've learned... by: Syko416 5. How To Get Your School's Password by: Syko416 6. It Happened At The Bank: Part 1 by: Syko416 7. News by: Syko416 8. Top Ten by: Syko416 9. Jokes by: Syko416 10. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ Syko416 =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ Hey! Sorry this issue is short, but I am very busy. The next issue will be back to normal size. Gotta go! See ya, Enjoy the Issue! Syko416 =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. So You Want To Be An Asshole ******************************* Here Are Just A Few Ways To Make Life More Fun For You And Completely And Totally Fucked For Those Yuppie Fucks Around You At Any Time. You Should Begin Using These Techniques Immediately. 1-Ask Somebody How They Are Doing Today, In A Polite Manner. When They Look Happy That You Actually Care Enough To Ask Them How Their Day Is Going, And They Begin To Answer, Just Cut Them Off By Replying "That's Nice" And Walk Away. 2-Drive Down The Street And Hold Down Your Car Horn, While Looking Straight Ahead. Just Keep Holding The Horn For A Few Seconds, And When People Start To Look At Your Car,Keep Looking Straight Ahead, And Flip Them Off Out The Side Window. 3-Call A Random Phone Number. When They Answer, Say "Hey, Guess What?" When They Say What, Say " I Got The Wrong Fucking Number" And Hang Up. Call Back Again And Immediately Say "I Did It Again."Then Wait An Hour And Call Again And Say "Remember Me? Well I Have A Call On The Other Line So I'll Have To Call Back Later." 4-Call A Random Number And Use The Method In Step One. 5-Walk Up To Someone And Say "You Know, You Really Look Good Today..." And When They Start To Say Thanx, Say "Except For That Fucking Greasy Hair And Your Fat Fucking Nose!" 6-Walk Up To A Preppy Chick In A Large Group, And Say "I Hate Every Bone In Your Body...Except For Mine!" 7-Walk Up To A Chick, Hand Her A Tube Of Clearasil And Walk Away. 8-Same As Number 7, Except Use A Can Of Slim-Fast. 9-Go Up To Someone In A Wheelchair And Lock A Bicycle Chain Around The Spokes Of Their Wheels. 10-Go Into A Store Where They Keep Cigarettes Behind The Counter. Ask For Two Packs Of Camel Kings Filters. If They Give You A Soft Pack Say You Want A Box Pack, And If They Give You Boxes, Say You Want Soft Packs. Then When They Start To Ring You Up, Say You Meant Camel Lights. When They Give You Camel Lights, Ask If They Have Them In The 100's Size. Then When They Ring You Up, Start Counting Out Nickles And Dimes From Your Pockets, Making Sure To Dig Through All Your Pockets For Change. Make Sure You Don't Have Enough To Buy Them. Say You're Sorry, But You Don't Have Enough Money And Start To Walk Off. They Will Have To Do A Bunch Of Shit On The Register To Delete The Order. Then When They Are Finished, Say "Oh, Wait, I Found A Couple Of Dollars In My Wallet." Ask For The Cigarettes Again, Being Overly Polite, And When They Are Ringing You Up Again, Say "Damn...If I Knew That It Would Be This Hard To Buy Cigarettes I Would Have Never Started Smoking." Then Pause For A Second And Say "Well That Does It Then...I Quit. Sorry For All The Time You Wasted." And Leave. 11-If You Are Driving And Happen To See A Cop A Block Or So Ahead Of You When You Are At A Stoplight On A Two-Lane Road...And There Is A Sporty Car Next To You... Start Revving Your Engine And Looking At Them Like Like You Want To Race. When The Light Turns, They Peel Out And You Can Just Sit There And Start Honking Your Horn To Get The Cop's Attention. Laugh As You Drive By Them After They Get Pulled Over. 12-Walk Up To A Kid Outside Of An Ice-Cream Shop And Bump Into Their Ice Cream Cone, Making Sure To Knock It Out Of Their Hands And Onto The Ground. 13-Step #12 From Above, But This Time Just Walk Up And Take Their Cone From Them And Start Eating It. 14-Step #13 From Above, But This Time Do It To An Adult. 15-Spraypaint Someone's Car Windshield. 16-Take Photographs Of Your Dick And Balls, And Tape Them To Restaurant Windows Where People Are Eating. 17-Driving In A parking Lot, Wait For A Car With The Handicapped License Plates To Pull In. Get In Front Of Them And Pull Into The Last Open Handicap Parking Space. If There Is More Than One Space Open, Park The Car Sideways So As To Take Up All The Open Spaces. Be Sure To Wave To Them As They Stare At You. 18-Go To Someone's House And Peel All The Labels Off Of Their Canned Food Items. Hide The Caps For The Toothpaste, Shampoo And Other Bathroom Items. Unplug The Refrigerator. Piss On The Floor. Take The Batteries Out Of Everything And Put Them In Backwards. Replace Incense Sticks With Sparklers Left Over From The 4th Of July. Smear Something Slimy On The Earpiece Of The Phone. Change The Prompt On Their Computer To Say Something Like "Dave, You Are Such An Asshole C:\" Take A Shit In A Peanut Butter Jar And Put It Back In The Cabinet. Get One Sock From Every Pair And Hide It Somewhere. Remove The Strings Out Of All Their Shoes. Detune Any Guitars Or Instruments They Have. Unplug Every Electrical Device In The House Except For The Clocks That You Set Forward Or Back By One Hour. Leave A Porno Mag In The Bathroom With The Pages Open To The Centerfold And Squirt Some Jergen's Lotion On It, Or Just Beat Off On It If You're In The Mood. Write The Name Of The Guy's Wife Or Girlfriend On The Picture. Put Some Laundry In The Dryer For Them, Only Add A Tube Of Lipstick To It. Go To The Furnace If It's The Kind With A Pilot Light During The Summer, And Toss In A Bunch Of Fireworks, Lady-Fingers, Bottle Rockets, M-80's, Roman Candle Or A Combination Of All The Above. Do this last and leave the house. 19-Let All Of The Air Out Of Someone's Tires And Fill The Air Valve With Super Glue. Tie Some Aluminum Cans Under The Car So They Drag The Road When They Take Off. Get Some Power Rangers Stickers From A Vending Machine At The Grocery Store And Stick Them On The Windshield And The Bumpers. Super Glue The Windshield Wipers To The WIndshield And Change The Wiper Fluid To Motor Oil. 20-Walk Around With One Arm Inside Of Your Shirt Instead Of Through The Sleeve...Hang Your Arm As If It Is In A Cast. When Somebody Asks You What Happened, Lift Up Your Shirt To Reveal Your Hand Flipping Them Off. Ask Somebody To Borrow A Quarter For The Phone... When They Give It To You, Just Drop It And Walk Away. Tell Somebody You Want To Call Them Later And Ask For Their Number. Write The Number Down On A Piece Of Paper. Then Ball It Up And Throw It On The Ground And Walk Away. Last But Not Least, Just Walk Up To Someone At Random And Look At Them And Say "Fuck Off." =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. Definitions *************** 1 Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 2. Beauty Parlour: A place where some women go to dye. 3. Chickens: Animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 4. Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 5. Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 6. Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 7. Handkerchief: Cold Storage. 8. Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 9. Myth: A female moth. 10. Mosquito: An insect that makes flies look good after all. 11. Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time. 12. Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 13. Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction. 14. Tomorrow: One of today's greatest labor saving devices. 15. Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed. 16. Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. Lessons I've learned... *************************** I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I've learned to say, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. How To Get Your School's Password ************************************ This article probably should have been in the Back 2 School issue, but I didn't write it back then so there :P Anyways, It's pretty easy to do, and works very well. Basically, all you need to do is go out on the net and download a key logger and install it on the computer you want to access. Here's some good key loggers: Windoze: http://www.amecisco.com/ik97v12s.exe Mac: http://members.tripod.com/MaqHaqAttaq/keycap.html It is usually better to download it directy to the computer because some times there is some type of security program that won't let you open an appilication from a disk. (Note: to get around the security try holding down the shift key when you turn on the computer, this disables the extentions (works on Mac and PC) also you might want to boot up the computer with boot disk/CD.) Anyway, Install the program on the computer and then delete the passwords (go to the program that comtains the password, it will usually be ******* and it will say save password. just delete the ******* forcing the teacher to put it back on) Then just check back in a couple days and you should have the password. This also works very well for getting people's Scribe passwords and IDs. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. It Happened At The Bank: Part 1 ********************************** Sarah was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. From the first time I saw her, I knew we were destined to be together. Sarah wasn't one of those super skinny girls that think that they are fat, and still wore really tight clothes just to get guys. Sarah was the opposite. She had a great body. She was fat in all the right places and usually wore loose clothing because it made her feel comfortable. She was a raver chick. She smoked cigarettes and weed, and had lots of personal problems but she was always in a good mood and was nice to everyone. She also had a great personality. I first met her in my math class. Our teacher, Mr. Robin, thought it would be a good idea for Sarah to sit next to me because I was good in math, and some things she didn't really understand. As the year went by, we became good friends, but I was always too chicken to ask her out. The school year ended and we exchanged phone numbers and emails. We planned on staying in touch over the summer. I ended up going to Florida for the month of July to visit my relative so we talk much, but I thought about her all the time. I had also decided that when I got back I would ask her out. I figured out a plan that couldn't fail. I'd ask her to go out. She'd think about it and then say: "I don't know" Then I'd tell her that we would try it only for the rest of the summer and if she didn't want to go out at the end of the summer, we'd break up. If was going good (and hopefully it would be) we'd keep going out. Naturally, she agreed and we started going out. The first couple of weeks were great. We did everything together. We went to the movies, the mall, even the local fair. We were planing on going to on a road trip to Niagara Falls. I checked my wallet and saw that I only had $50. Since we were going to spend the whole weekend, I needed more money. We decided to pass by the bank but the automated tellers weren't working so we stopped and went inside. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made. To Be Continued . . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7.News ******* Avoiding Credit Scams By Arnold Diaz ABCNEWS.com February 3/99 Despite years of crackdowns, several kinds of credit scams continue to flourish across the country. To raise awareness of these schemes and help consumers to protect themselves, several enforcement agencies have organized National Consumer Protection Week, which began February 1. Those agencies (including the FTC, Postal Inspection Service, National Association of Attorneys General and the National Consumers League) have released a list of the top credit scams. Top Five Credit Scams * 1. Credit Repair scammers charge consumers to help them clean up their credit histories. The FTC warns that many of the claims credit repair scammers make that they can remove judgments, liens and other negative information from credit records are false. Any legitimate help they can offer can be pursued by consumers, themselves, at little or no cost. * 2. Advance-Fee Loan Scams appeal to consumers who, based on their credit history, can’t get a loan. The scammers hold out the promise that for an advance payment, even consumers with bad credit histories can get a loan. Some of the scammers make money through the 900 numbers that charge consumers who call to find out about the loans. Others simply charge consumers a fee for a loan that is never delivered. * 3. Home Equity Scams target consumers who have good credit, but bad cash flow (especially the elderly). They promise credit based not on income, or the ability to repay, but on the equity of the home. Some home equity scams make money based on repeated refinancing, which churns the financing and constantly adds costs for consumers. Others actually provide loans the consumers based on their income are unable to pay. Many consumers lose their homes to these schemes. * 4. Identity Theft occurs when scammers appropriate stolen credit card numbers, social security numbers, mothers’ maiden names or other personally identifying information, to tap into the good credit histories of consumers. They then set up new credit accounts, charge purchases by tapping into existing accounts or drain bank accounts. Frequently, consumers don’t know that their credit identities have been stolen until they learn that new credit card accounts have been set up, or that their bank accounts have been accessed. * 5. File Segregation is an illegal gambit promoted by scammers to encourage consumers with bad credit histories to obtain taxpayer identification or employer identification numbers and use them in place of social security numbers to shield true credit identities from creditors. The scammers charge consumers for advice for how to go about segregating their credit files, but usually don’t tell them that file segregation is illegal and consumers who employ it are commiting a felony. Information on avoiding these schemes and what to do if you’ve already been taken is available from the FTC and the U.S. Gateway for Consumers’ Web sites. ************************** Badge-Related Phone Scams By Arnold Diaz ABCNEWS.com February 3/99 Chances are you’ve received phone calls from police, fire or veterans associations asking you for a contribution. Many of these groups are deserving of a donation; however the National Association of Attorneys General (NAAG) reports that some of the calls are not legitimate. Preying on people’s generosity, NAAG says that unscrupulous telemarketers are lying about their affiliation with law enforcement and firefighting organizations when they solicit donations. These schemes not only line the pockets of crooks, but they also deprive the real police, fire and veterans groups of needed funds. NAAG has these tips for anyone considering a contribution: Ask the caller to identify themselves clearly and who they work for. If the solicitor refuses, just hang up. Check directly with the law enforcement agency before you give. Call the organization to verify that it is currently telemarketing to raise money. Ask the caller for written information about the organization. A legitimate charity will provide written information about its mission, how donations will be used, and proof that your donation is tax deductible. Watch out for names that resemble legitimate organizations but are somehow different. Some phony charities use names that sound similar to legitimate charities. Don’t be swayed by emotional appeals and don’t give under pressure. Legitimate fund-raisers won’t push you to give on the spot. Be wary of charities offering to send a courier to collect your donation. Be skeptical if someone thanks you for a pledge you don’t remember making. Some unscrupulous telemarketers use this approach to get your money. Be wary of guaranteed sweepstakes winnings in exchange for a contribution. You never have to donate anything to be eligible to win. If you are suspicious of an organization, contact your state Attorney General. Remember your ultimate defense against any suspicious telemarketer is to just hang up. Don’t be afraid to be considered rude! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. Top Ten *********** TOP TEN OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES 10. Musical Recliners 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 8. Hide and Go Pee 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent 6. Doc, Doc Goose 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over 4. Kick the Bucket 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 1. Sag, You're It! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9. Jokes ********* One Day At The Bus Stop *********************** One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again. Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step. Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!" Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends." She's A Doll ************ A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll." Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient." "Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch." How Long For a Haircut? *********************** A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house." The Difference Between Hypothetical And Reality *********************************************** A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?" The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000." The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!" The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000." The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!" He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores." =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Shout outs to: ch4x, Toronto 2600 and Hack Canada. In next issue: Christmas Issue (Ho HO Ho, I love Ho's) Street date: December 15/99