*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 26 ** ** January 2000 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. Letters by: Syko416 3. Jock Vs Nerd by: Syko416 4. Rules For Indoor Golf by: Syko416 5. Things Not to Say To A Cop by: Syko416 6. Insane Ramblings by: Syko416 7. Things To Do In The Elevator by: Syko416 8. It Happened At The Bank: Part 4 by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ Syko416 =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ This issue is filled with mosly Jokes, so ENJOY! - Syko416 =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. Letters ********** From: "Aftermath Aftermath" To: syko416@hotmail.com Subject: Sykotic Times 25 Date: Sun, 09 Jan 2000 16:45:57 PST Hay, great issue!. All of the movies you like, I like too, and Limp Rocks. Night of the living dead kicked ass, and so did the sixth sence, and all of the other movies you had in there I agreed with. Later, and happy new year! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. Jock Vs. Nerd **************** The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $8.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game over. Nerd wins! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. Rules For Indoor Golf ************************ 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case. 10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course. 12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole. 13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside. 14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request. 15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a Police Officer: * Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. * Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated? * You don't happen to have any beer in your car? I just finished mine * Bad Cop! No Donut! * Your not gonna check the trunk, are you? * Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalizer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow * Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops? * I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. * Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends nightstand. * When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder. * I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket. * So, uh, you on the take, or what? * Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you. * Gee,officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! * Aren't you the guy from the village people * Hey is that a 9mm in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? * Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does. * I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me. * Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone. * What do you mean have I been drinking? Your the trained specialist. * Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. * Hey, man, you want a hit? * Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. * Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches? =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. Insane Ramblings ******************* - Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? - Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? - Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? - Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? - Crime pays, well. - Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? - How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? - If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? - If you have the world by the balls, don't twist them. - If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? - If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? - If buttered toast always lands butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it? - Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? - Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? - You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? - Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? - If Bud Dry made from water, why is it dry? - Mean people suck, nice people swallow - One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. - My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely. - Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. Things To Do In The Elevator ******************************* 1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. 4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on. 5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. 6) After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" 7) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" 8) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 9) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. 10) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play. 11) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking. 11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. 12) Ask, "Did you feel that?" 13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally 14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again." 15) Swat at flies that don't exist. 16) Tell people that you can see their aura. 17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it. 18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" 19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" 20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!!" and back away slowly. 22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 23) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on." 26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space." =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. It Happened At The Bank: Part 4 ********************************** The paramedics rushed in and pulled her away from me. I'd spent all this time thinking about Sarah, I didn't notice the ambulance that pulled up in front of the bank. They put her on a stretcher and wheeled her on to the ambulance and took her to the Hospital, but I knew it was too late. I knew she was dead. I leaned against a filing cabinet and started to cry. I didn't care about what anybody thought. I just watched my soul mate die. The Love of my life was dead. She died in my FUCKING HANDS!! and there was nothing I could do about it. I suddenly remembered all the times I was there for her before. If she needed something, I was there. If she has a problem that needed solving, I was there. Anything she wanted, I was always there. Except for this time. This time I couldn't help her. I failed her. After I'd given my statement to the police, I headed home. I was tired and wanted to sleep, but every time I shut my eyes, all I could see was the robber shooting at Sarah. He even had a smile on this face. I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to relive that terrible moment in time. This went on for a week. I tried everything to forget what happened, but every time something would remind me. A news report. A movie. Sarah's picture. I finally decided that something had to be done. I picked up the news paper and saw that the robber caught and was due to go on trial later that week. I desided to pay our friend a visit. To Be Continued . . . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* Wiccan Fights Suspension From School Wednesday January 12 7:48 AM ET Yahoo! News LAURINBURG, N.C. (Reuters) - A North Carolina high school teacher suspended after telling administrators she practices a pagan religion associated with witchcraft said on Tuesday she would fight to get her job back. Shari Eicher, an 11th-grade English teacher at Scotland High School in Laurinburg, North Carolina, about 85 miles (135 km) southeast of Charlotte, said she was escorted off campus by school officials and suspended indefinitely with pay on Monday because of her religious beliefs. Eicher and her husband, Richard, are practicing Wiccans, a pagan religion whose adherents worship nature and focus on positive energy. Although the religion is associated with witchcraft, Wiccans say the connection is misunderstood and the faith has nothing to do with devil worship. "I do my job the way it is supposed to be done," Eicher said. "My students learn what they're supposed to learn. What I do in my private time and how I worship my concept of deity are none of their business." Eicher said she has contacted the North Carolina Education Association for legal help in appealing her suspension. Scotland County Schools Superintendent Shirley Prince said an investigation was under way, but declined further comment. Eicher said she did not discuss Wicca with students, and disclosed her religious beliefs to administrators after a reporter asked her about an Internet Web site maintained by her husband about a local Wicca group (http://www.witchvox.com). Eicher said she did not keep her beliefs a secret from administrators at Scotland High School, where she has taught for three years. She said she was told it would not be a problem as long as her beliefs did not interfere with her teaching. Eicher and her husband said they were ordained Wicca ministers and had been Wiccans for 16 months. They said rumors about their beliefs surfaced in their hometown of Wagram, about 10 miles (15 km) north of Laurinburg in southeastern North Carolina. On his Web site, Richard Eicher said he also planned to file a lawsuit over his dismissal from a local company because of his religious beliefs. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten *********** Top 16 Songs of 1999 1. Limp Bizkit and Method Man - N 2 Gether Now 2. Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg - Still D.R.E 3. Limp Bizkit - Nookie 4. Prozzak - Sucks To Be You 5. Korn - Falling Away From Me 6. Santana featuring Rob Thomas - Smooth 7. Choclair - Let's Ride 8. Rage Against The Machine - Guerilla Radio 9. ODB - Got Your Money 10. Rascalz - Gametime/Sharpshooter 11. System Of A Down - Sugar 12. ICP - Slim Anus 13. Eminem - My Name Is 14. Sporty Thievz - No Pigeons 15. The Roots - Next Movement 16. Live - The Dolphin's Cry =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********* Airplane Passengers ******************* This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man neezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man snee zes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to g o nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. T he man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woma n has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sn eezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off ! What the hell kind of degenarate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to ha ve disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasam." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper." Whut's Sex? *********** There's this little Ozark family, Maw, Paw, Junior, and Sally. One day Junior asks, "Paw, whut's sex?" Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, "Well, Junior, I reckon yore 'bout ol'nuff to find out. Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread'n'em legs." After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, "You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol' Paw." Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way. About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, "Jun...Junior, wh-whut's that?" Junior, being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, "That's whatcha call 'sex'. You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol' Junior..." Firmed Up ********* One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother. Birds ***** Little Johnny asks "Mom, what kind of bird brings babies?" Mother responds "Why, a stork, little Johnny." Then little Johnny asks "Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?" Mother responds "A swallow." The Curse ********* An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife" =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Shout outs to: ch4x, Toronto 2600 and Hack Canada. In next issue: February 2000 (well, that's the issue) Street date: February 1/00