*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 27 ** ** February 2000 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. Simpsons Secret Revealed! by: Bill Brioux 3. Things To Ponder . . . . by: Syko416 4. Differences Between You and Your Boss by: Syko416 5. Thanks For Calling AT&T by: Syko416 6. Pause for Porno by: Syko416 7. A Study by: Syko416 8. It Happened At The Bank: Part 5 by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ People Who Watch The Simpsons =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ Hey, it's another month and here's another issue. So here goes: Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of all Ages Jimmy Poonwacker Proudly brings to you The greatest ezine of all TTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! Sykotic Times! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. Simpsons secret revealed! By BILL BRIOUX, Toronto Sun ****************************** When the Fox network announced that a member of Springfield's cartoon community would pass away in an upcoming episode of The Simpsons, we mourned briefly, then put our money on Krusty the Clown. After all, his bum ticker is only a seltzer attack or two away from beating its last. However, in a Sun exclusive, we now know the true identity of the terminal 'toon. However, for those of you who want to be surprised when the episode airs Feb. 13, we don't want to spoil the fun. So we've narrowed it down to three characters, one of whom is the real victim: 1. Say it ain't so, Moe. The cantankerous bartender, often the butt of Bart's crank calls, is run over by a beer truck -- driven by Homer! Town drunk Barney is left crying in his beer in the episode titled "The Drinks Are On Me." 2. School's out for Principal Skinner when groundskeeper Willie goes on a rampage after being asked to clean the teachers' staff room in the heartbreaking episode, "The Blackboard Jugular." 3. One of Springfield's sweetest citizens, Maude Flanders, is off to meet her maker. After an untimely accident, the Simpsons are left to console next-door-neighbour Ned and the grieving Flanders boys, Todd and Rodd (rhymes with God) in an episode titled, "Alone Again Natura-Diddly." D-oh! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. THINGS TO PONDER....... ************************** If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. Differences Between You and Your Boss **************************************** When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. Thanks You for Calling AT&T ****************************** I work for customer service at AT&T, and we often have to deal with the most confounding questions and responses from customers. Here are a few taken from a compilation called "Thank You for Calling AT&T." "Thanks for calling AT&T, this is Londa." "Who did I Call? LONDON?" "No, this is Londa." "WHERE? LONDON, ENGLAND?" "I've been on hold four months." "Can you tell me if my calling card is in my wallet?" "I was trying to abuse my calling card, and it's just not working!" "So...which adult party line would YOU choose?" "Is 30% more than 10%?" "I want you to check my bill to see if I would save money on a different plan." "I'd be glad to do that. May I have your area code and phone number? "You'll have to look it up. It's a non-published number. I don't give it out." "I think you're screwing me! I'm going to throw my phone out the window with me in it!" "To place a call, you just dial 1-800-OPERATOR." "How do you spell `operator?' I'm not a math wizard, you know." "I didn't make those calls...I can't even read or write!" "Where is area code 900?" "I want to tell you about this phone I invented. The AT&T operator was very rude to me-IS THIS SPRINT?" "Is October before or after November?" "Hello, can I have the number for AT&T?" "Is this an average size bill for you?" "I think so...it's usually around 3'' by 5''." "I just dialed a wrong 800 number. Will I be charged?" "That call is to an adult entertainment line." "Oh, well, at least he's still interested!" "I need credit on my bill because my dad died tomorrow and I'm broke." "I just dialed this psycho line and it's disconnected!" "I want to know what I can do about harassing phone calls. These people are threatening me and my wife, and now they are getting obscene with my daughter! I don't know who ti is...they always call collect." "I want L-O-R-D as my PIN number, but don't use my wife's name as the card number. It has 666 in the middle." "Can I put money in this pay phone?" "When I dial my motherland, she is not very good speaking!" "No, ma'am, AT&T will not call the police if you don't pay your bill." "I lost my checkbook tonight, and I need to cancel my checks." "Is there anything else I can help you with?" "Not unless you know any hookers in Rock Hill." "Hi...I have a sticker on my phone that says, `Call ATT,' so I'm calling." "Can you tell me where this 900 number goes?" "That is a True Confessions line." "But we are not Catholic!" "All my calls are within a 20-mile-an-hour radius." "How can I help you?" "You can get this dog and cat off of me!!!" "What countries do you usually call?" "Germany and New Jersey." "Can you hold...I have a fire going on in here." "Zero-zero? I just dial those three numbers? That's all?" "My boyfriend is in the Forest Service and he's been on fire all week." "I want you to freeze my phone bill. I've got permission from God." "Our Fraud Department will be investigating these calls." "The Frog Department? Would you spell that?" "AT&T is responsible for the swastikas on my door yesterday!" "I'm calling from my condom and I can't get out...did I just say condom? I meant CONDO!" "What state do you live in?" "Taylorsville." "I'm going to church to see if God can explain my phone bill to me." "I can explain it to you, ma'am." "Yeah, but I like His explanations better." "Can I get your name, please?" "Who." "You's. Can you give me your name, please?" "Yes...my name is spelled H-U." "I was justrying to call 1-800-FUN-COLOR to choose turquoise blue as my favorite for the new M&M colors, but I got Skylab! The FBI isn't going to arrest me, are they?" "I need a number I called recently. It should be on my next bill." "I'm sorry, sir. Those calls are stored on magnetic tape. We don't see them until the bill is printed." "Then go listen to the tape!" "Sir, those tapes are in a storage facility." "That's okay. I'll wait." And, last but not least... "How do you make a pound cake?" =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. Pause For Porno ****************** Here's some porno . . . ssssssssssss ss| |ss sss| O O |sss sss| L |sss sss| \___/ |sss sss\________/sss sssssss||sssssss ___/ \___ ___/ \/ \___ | _| o || o |_ | | | \____/\____/ | | M \ / M _| |_ / | \ / / \ \ | | | | _\ \ / /_ |_____| |_____| =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. A Study ********** After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences: 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling. 3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf. Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. It Happened At The Bank: Part 5 ********************************** The Bible Teaches us "An Eye For An Eye" and that was what I was going to do. Kill the son of a bitch that stole my Sarah from me. I went down to the police dept and I was dressed as a member of the press, complete with camera, notebook and ID. I said I was here to see the robber and try to get an interview. They asked the robber if it was ok, and surprisingly he told them to let me in. They left me in the interrogation room with him. The guards left and we were alone. He was chained to a chair so the advantage was clearly mine. "How's it going, you little bastard?" I said as I looked him right in the eyes. At first he didn't recognize me. Probably because I was wearing a fake beard, but as soon as I took it off, he knew exactly who I was. "Shit, dude! Yo, I am sorry" he begged. "Shut up, you punk!" I yelled as I punched him in the face. "Help! Someone Help me!" he yelled. I couldn't take it. I punched him in his voice box. That shut him up right away. I continued to hit him for about 10 minutes. When I figured that he had enough, I pulled out my knife that I had hidden in my camera. I held it in front of his face so he could see is. When he finally looked up and saw it, his eyes opened wide and his face became white with fear. "This is for Sarah" I said as I stabbed him in the Heart. "and this one is for me!" I said as I cut his throat. He was now dead. I placed his body in just the right position so that they wouldn't be able to tell he was dead. At least now until I was out of the building. I knocked on the door and one of the guards opened it for me. I walked down the hall like nothing had happened, but as soon as I passed the front doors, I ran to my car as fast as I could. As I opened the door to my car, I heard the alarm go off. I was sure that the alarm was for me so I quickly sped off, hoping that they wouldn't follow me. To Be Continued . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* see article 2 =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten *********** Last Five Things The last five things a man would say: (5) While I'm up, can I get you a beer? (4) Her tits are just too big. (3) Sometimes I just want to be held. (2) Sure, I'd love to wear a condom. (1) Fuck the Super Bowl, let's watch Ellen. The last five things a woman would say: (5) Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends". (4) This diamond is way too big! (3) Sure, let's watch Baywatch! (2) I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. (1) My mistake. You must be right again. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********* Pet Names ********* Three women were sitting around having a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does." Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked Joanne. "Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box." Puzzled ******* A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a Small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself." Howard The Doctor ***************** Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him... Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality... "Howard, you're a Veterinarian...." Flasher ******* A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub." Field Trip ********** Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" Applicators *********** A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppos- itories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. "What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders." =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Shout outs to: ch4x, Toronto 2600 and Hack Canada. In next issue: Valentine's Day Issue Street date: February 15/00