*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 29 ** ** March 2000 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. How to make free phone calls by: Mr Poop 3. Classified Ads by: Syko416 4. HOW TO CLEAN A CAT by: Syko416 5. My Last Week On Earth (Part:1) by: Syko416 6. News by: Syko416 7. Top Ten by: Syko416 8. Jokes by: Syko416 9. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ Humans (I hope) =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ Hey! This is Sykotic Times, nuff said. lates, Syko416 PS sorry there aren't that many articles this time, but I've been busy. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. How to make free phone calls By Mr. Poop (default@collegeclub.com) ************************************** Okay, so you need to make a phone call, but you don't want to pay any money (or you have no money to spend?). Well, there are a couple of ways to do this that I can discuss here. First off, if you have a fast enough of a connection, you can use Dialpad.com. Dialpad.com is a site that gives free phone calls. However, you have to have a really fast connection to use it. Well, let's say I am at a payphone Mr. Poop, and I need to make a call. Then what can I do? Well, I can't really help you there. Well, if you meed to make a really fast phone call.. you can sign up for an account at www.mytalk.com. They will give you a toll-free voicemail box, and when you check it, you can make 2 minute phone calls by saying "Dial a number." However, this doesn't work in Canada, and you can't call Canada with this method. Finally, you can just always call collect. Here are some numbers that allow you to make a collect call. 1-800-COLLECT 1-800-CALL-ATT 1-800-HI-ITS-ME 1-800-YOU-SAVE 1-800-600-BELL 1-800-ONE-DIME Then again, that is not free for who you call, but it's free for you. Broadpoint/Freeway has recently started making you sign up for a credit card or other offers from one of thier advertisers. So it's not really worth it anymore. Waste all your time on what minutes you may have left, but it's not going to recharge. Have a nice day! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. Classified Ads ***************** Here are some ads I saw in the newpaper. Enjoy! 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer ---------------------------- AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. ----------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG ------------------------------ 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 ------------------------------ TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1998 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 ------------------------------- COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. -------------------------------- 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 --------------------------------- STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15 --------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ----------------------------------- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. ---------------------------------- SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents ----------------------------------- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ----------------------------------- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. ----------------------------------- FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. --------------------------------- FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50 ----------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED. CALL CHUBBIE ------------------------------------- BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" -------------------------------------- SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS -------------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. --------------------------------------- HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" ---------------------------------------- GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER. ----------------------------------------- HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB ----------------------------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES- CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. ------------------------------------------ NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED ------------------------------------------- FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. ------------------------------------------ AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100 ------------------------------------- TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. --------------------------------------------- NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD. ------------------------------------------------ EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS-$175. ------------------------------------------------- OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. ------------------------------------------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. ------------------------------------------------ LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ------------------------------------------------ ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER -------------------------------------------- GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. ------------------------------ GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. ---------------------------------- BAR S SLICED BALOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2 ---------------------------------- OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON- FREE COFFEE & DONUTS -------------------------------------- KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box ----------------------------------------------- FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb. ----------------------------------------------- FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. HOW TO CLEAN A CAT ********************* 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water 3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The DOG =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. My Last Week on Earth (Part:1) ********************************* "The results don’t look good Mr. Henderson" the doctor said. "According to these x-rays I took, it looks like you have cancer of the liver" "Is there anything I can do?" I asked, starting to get worried. "Unfortunately, no. If you can in earlier, we might have been able to help you, but the cancer is too developed" the doctor replied. "Does this mean I am going to die?" I asked hoping the answer would be no. "I’m afraid so. You have about a week to live and you will be in great pain for most of the week." the doctor said "I’ll give you something to ease the pain" I was still in a state of shock. I didn’t know what to do. In one week, I would be dead. It felt like someone had pulled out my heart and held it if front of my face to show my that I’d die soon. The only difference is that instead of me dying in a couple of seconds, I had a whole week to get used to the idea. I only came in because I had a stomach ache. I didn’t think it would be anything major. I stood there for what seem like hour before the doctor asked me to leave. He gave me piece of paper with my prescription and told me to go next door to the pharmacy to pick it up. I did what he told me, but I was still in shock so I wasn’t really paying much attention. I went into the pharmacy and gave the pharmacist the prescription. He took it and went into the back room. About 5 minutes later, he came back with a block of green stuff and gave it to me. I read the label: 1 Pounds Of Marijuana I couldn’t believe my eyes! This was the drug that would ease my pain?? Death didn’t look quiet as bad anymore. I quickly grabbed it and went home. When I got home, I took some of the marijuana, rolled it, and smoked it. DAMN! That stuff was good! It was the best damn marijuana I’ve ever smoked, and believe me, I’ve smoked a lot of marijuana. The rest of the day was a blur, I can’t remember what happenned or what I did. All I remember is that I was happy. REALLY REALLY happy. The next day I woke up around 1 pm. I turned on my television. I figured that since this was my last sunday alive, I might as well watch my favourite football team, the Dallas Cowboys, play a game. The Dallas Cowboys were playing the Miami Dolphins. So I watched the game for the next 3 hours. In the end, Dallas won the game 83-7. The biggest loss in NFL history. After the game, I got up and got dressed. One of my friends called, and asked me it I wanted to go to a rave with him later that night. Naturally, I agreed. To Be Continued . . . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6.News ******* No News is Bad News =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. Top Ten ********** The Top 12 Slogans for Clinton's "New" Army 12> Except for the large bleeding wounds, it's just like paintball. 11> Gruel: It's what's for breakfast 10> Undefeated since 1975! 9> Hey, we had cargo pants long before Old Navy. 8> The General's not the only one who gets a Hummer, baby! 7> One armored tank: $2.8 million One loaded machine gun: $625,000 One Army standard toilet plunger: $1,000 Cleaning the urinal with a toothbrush because there was a small scuff on your shoe: priceless. 6> Be there when we take out Canada! 5> Be All That You Can Be -- Unless You're Gay, In Which Case Be About Six Inches Less Outgoing Than You Can Be 4> Open fire in your high school -- Media outrage and possible jail time. Open fire in the Army -- Chest full o' medals, baby! 3> The US Army: Who needs those Community College snobs, anyway? 2> At least the Village People never wrote a song about *us*. 1> Come play with our privates! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. Jokes ******** Gun Shot ******** Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralized, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee. Signs ***** Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read... "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER...$50.00." Nude Beach ********** A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got." Anything Goes ************* 3 Prostitutes in a bar...first says "I can shove 3 fingers up my pussy!" The second said "I can shove my FIST up my pussy!" "Well I can shove ANYTHING up my pussy!" said the third, as she slowly slid down the bar stool. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9. Left Over Shit ***************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Shout outs to: ch4x, Toronto 2600 and Hack Canada. In next issue: Spring Break Issue Street date: March 15/00