*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 32 ** ** May 2000 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. The Dnalmaerd Insanity by: Matt Ashe 3. How Not To Rob A Bank by: Syko416 4. Facts by: Syko416 5. How To Survive With Women by: Syko416 6. Are You A Real Man? by: Syko416 7. My Last Week On Earth (Part:5) by: Syko416 8. My Last Week On Earth (Part:6) by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ People that Read this ezine =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ FUCK!!!!! The Raptors are out of the playoff :~( I'm to upset to write any more, see ya next month. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. The Dnalmaerd Insanity ************************** Waking.....Waking.....Awake..... I was awake at last. Life had gotten very strange for me, so it's best I start from the beginning. My name is Ttam Esha. Yes, I know it's a strange name, so you figure it out. It all started one day at the lake. My friends and I went out to a lake in Arizona on a particularily hot Arizona day. It was still early, maybe 10:00 am. When we got there I did the usual; set the speakers up from the back of my car, took out the cooler of beer, the tubes and the smokes. I fastened several tubes together, with the cooler full of beer in the middle. I was 23 years old, making good money and feeling fine. The rest is so strange it may be hard to believe, but it happened. It could hapen to you. You just have to believe. I started off the day by smoking a little weed with Nick and Rosey, two good friends of mine. This always put me in a very mellow mood. Next, we all hopped in the tubes and proceeded to float in the lake and listen to the tunes playing on my car stereo. A very fine stereo it was. I popped open a beer and remembered thinking how sweet the sound of a just opened beer sounded. As I raised the cold draft to my lips and drank I felt at peace. I closed my eyes and went with the high from the smoke and felt a gentle beer buzz slowly steal across my body. The sounds from the stereo floated across the air and seemed to blend with the smoke and alcohol and I was as close to heaven as I'd ever been. I closed my eyes and drifted, listening to the music, and Nick and Rosey's palyful banter and I was lost. The warm sun carressed my body, the music carried me away and I was lost. I don't know how long I drifted like that, it seemed like a lifetime. When I woke I realized I was back at the pool. I had had another dream of days past. Lately this had been happening on a more and more frequent basis. I was actually 42 and the day at the lake had happened many years ago. I looked around and saw my wife and son swimming in the pool. I knew I should be happy but somehow I felt lost. I wanted to go back to that time in my life when I was so young and full of life. I had a good job with the union as an electrician and my wife was a beautiful woman. I had ten years of wonderful marriage. I had many good memories, yet it all seemed a dream, somehow not real. I hadn't gotten high in years. I was nothing of the man I remembered in my trips in the pool. In fact, I was beginning to believe that it was all made up. A figment of my imagination. A few days later I decided to try somthing. I bought some weed from an aquaintance, for lack of a better word. I got an inner tube and a can of beer. I then went to the pool at 10:00 am and decided to try and get that feeling back. My life had just been so empty. I turned on my stereo and smoked the weed. I hopped in the tube and started drinking the beer and let the warmth of the sun caress me. I imangined Nick and rosey talking to me........." "Ttam, Ttam....wake up! Ttam wake up!" My eyes opened and there was Nick, Rosey laying beside him. "Hey dude, you must have fallen asleep." said Nick. "You were moaning that you wanted to go home." "I had a hell of a time waking you up." "Shit, that was some good weed, huh?". It's been over a year since that day, but I know I have been in two worlds. My wife and son are in one and I am 42. In the other I am now 24 years old. I feel lost. I must get back to them. Tell my wife I love her. I don't know what is real and what is a dream. I think both worlds exist. countless worlds exist. I have an idea how to get back. To be continued.... =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. HOW NOT TO ROB A BANK ************************ Pick The Right Bank: You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. Study Your History: Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and thetownsfolk T ook just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans. Speak To The Right Teller: One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. Don't Sign Your Demand Note: Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. Don't Advertise: A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks. Go Easy On The Disguise: One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. Take Right Turns Only: Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money. Be Aware Of The Time: Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived. Consider Another Line Of Work: Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Be Strong: Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. Facts ******** Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, "Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words -- none of them with the letter E! Of all the words in the English language, the word "set" has the most definitions A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans. Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people. Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive. The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today. There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions. Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print. The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth. Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions. American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States. The burden of compliance is the equivalent to a staff of 3 million people working full time for a year, just to comply with the taxes on individuals and businesses. The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI. 60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return. Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more than for food, clothing and shelter combined. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. How To Survive With Women: Treat Them Like Your Car 1. Give it a regular, thorough going over. 2. Rub it down nicely. 3. Make sure it's waxed regularly. 4. Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting? Or bump starting? 5. Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming. 6. Change the lubrication. 7. Check the rubber is not wearing thin. 8. Lift up the front and have a long hard look. 9. Check the rear end is clean and tidy. 10. Check for spare tire and any handles. 11. Keep an eye on fuel consumption. 12. Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot, summer days. 13. Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on accessories for it. 14. Are the bodywork and lines to your liking? Is the interior comfortable? 15. Ensure that it responds well to you when you're in the driving seat. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. ARE YOU A REAL MAN? Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your REAL MAN Quotient 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the President of the United States. b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. c. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b. When he is the Pope. (But never on the lips.) c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. When is it okay to hug another male? a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats. 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. c. Tell her what? 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?" 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask for directions. 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control. HOW TO SCORE: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. My Last Week on Earth (part 5) ********************************* It was perfect. it was a hollow, 100% pure silver heart on a chain. I grabbed the employee and told her what I wanted. She just laughed at me. "I’m sorry sir but that item costs $150" she said. I pulled out my $200. She saw it and without saying a word, went to get the heart. When she returned, I asked it I could get it engraved. "Sure, what would you like engraved on it?" she asked. "The phrase: ‘You’ll Always Have My Heart’ please." I replied. "Ok that will be a total of $190 with tax." she said. I gave her my money and she gave me my change. "Thank you, your heart will be ready for you in 1 hour" she said. "Ok, I’ll be back then." I said and left the store. I quickly went home to pack. I was going to go to Clifford after I picked up the heart. I grabbed my back pack and threw in some shirts, pants, socks, underwear (you always gotta have a clean pair of underwear) and of course, my marijuana. I went back to the mall and went to by a bus ticket to Clifford, but I didn’t have enough money so I withdrew the rest of my money from the back, $600. the ticket costed me $50 so I had $550 to spend in one week with Neve. I figured we’d go to a couple expensive and romantic restaurants, plus I need some money for a hotel room. I looked at my watch. 3:30 pm The bus left at 4 so I still needed to kill some time. I went and picked up the heart. Then I went and had something to eat from the food court. By the time I finished, it was 5 minutes to 4, so I got on the bus and prepared for a 3 hour trip. The result of which would change my life forever. To Be Continued . . . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. My Last Week on Earth (part 6) ********************************* I arrived in Clifford at around 7 pm. I quickly checked into a motel. (there goes $25, only $525 left) and rushed over to Neve’s house. That was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I made a quick stop at the florist and bought a dozen long steam roses for $25. What can I say, I am a hopeless romantic. I only had $500 left, but I didn’t care. I rushed (well, I say rushed, but I really walked) over to Neve’s house. What was I going to do? What was I going to say? I was so nervous I didn’t even notice the red Mustang in the driveway. I walked up to the front door. Took a deep breath, and reached me hand up to ring the doorbell, but that was when I heard it, and it made me stop. I listened closer. It was moaning, a woman moaning. I walked from the front of the house to the back. I saw that the light in Neve’s room was on. Neve’s room was in the back of the house on the ground floor. I then realized where the moaning was coming from, Neve’s room. I looked in the window and what I saw almost brought me to tears. There was Neve, naked, on the bed, riding another guy, who was also naked. They were fucking and it looked like (and sounded like) Neve was enjoying it. I couldn’t believe she was cheating on me. All those times she said she loved me, she was actually lying. My heart was breaking. I couldn’t watch he bounce on top of this guy anymore. I ran out of her backyard and threw the roses on the ground. I ran back to the motel in tears. First thing I did as soon as I got in the door, was grab some marijuana, and some zig zags, rolled it, and smoked it. I know I had to do something, but what? About one hour later, I figured it out. I’d kill’em, I’d kill’em both. To Be Continued . . . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten *********** Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't! 10. I need you to whip it out by 5:00! 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 8. Put this in my box before you leave. 7. I want it on my desk now! 6. Hmm.. I think I'm out of that white fluid. 5. My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish! 4. It's an entry level position. 3. When do you think you'll be getting off today? 2. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back! 1. Where did you get those great floppies? =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********* Hermaphrodite ************* A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features... of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?" A Nun in A Mental Hospital ************************** A nun goes to a mental hospital to encourage the patients. She walks into one room where a guy is painting a picture. She says, "That's a very nice painting, what do you want to do when you get out of the hospital?" The patient replies, "I've been practicing alot and I want to be a painter." She then walks into another room where a guy is playing a guitar. "That is a nice song", she says. "What do you want to do when you get out of here?" He replies, "I want to be a musicion, I"m getting better every day." Then the nun walks into another room where a guy is laying naked and spread eagle on his bed while balancing a peanut on his dick! She reluctently asks, "What do you want to do when you get out of here?" The man responds, "Sister, I ain't ever getting out of here - I"M FUCKING NUTS!" Strip Club ********** Pete was sitting near the stage of a strip joint when the girl came out and began dancing. Suddenly, as she began unzipping her dress, a man sitting behind Pete shouted, "Take it off, Baby!" causing Pete's ears to ring from the volume. Pete turned to the guy and scowled at him. "Sorry," the man apologized. Later as she began unhooking her bra the guy behind Pete again loudly yelled, "Take it off, Baby!" and again earned a scowl. "Sorry," the man apologized again. And yet once more when she began to slip down her panties the air erupted with a bellowing, "Take it off, Baby!" Which, when met with the customary scowl resulted in another, "Sorry." The act ended when the dancer ripped off her g-string, this time accompanied only by silence. "Hey, pal," Pete said sarcastically, "where's your great enthusiam now, huh?" "All over the back of your head." Monastic Life ************* Three young men applied to become priests at the local monastery. The wise old monk who ran the place told them that they each had to submit to a preliminary screening examination. They agreed. He told them to take all their clothes off in an isolated room and had each tie a small bell to the end of his penis. The old monk left the room and came back, escorting a beautiful young lady. This excited the candidate in the middle, and his bell predicatably began ringing. The other two candidates' bells remained unrung. "That's it. You, in the middle, you are not fit to lead the monastic life." "Oh, please!" he cried. "Just give me one more chance, I think I can control my reaction this time." "Hah! We'll see," said the wise old man. He instructed the girl to take off all of her clothes, revealing her voluptuou body heretofore shielded from sight. The bell on the candidate in the middle rang furiously, but still the other two's were silent. "OK, you, in the middle...you're outta here." The Dejected young man bent over to pick up all of his clothes, and suddenly the other two bells began ringing. Virgin ****** A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do. "No Problemo," said the friend "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the difference." The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy - in the bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow: Dear Jane: Last night was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink. Mastercard television commercial for men **************************************** Cover charge: $15.00 Round of drinks: $23.00 Table dance: $30.00 Another round of drinks: $23.00 Couch dance and tips: $50.00 A round of shots: $34.00 Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00 Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless. There are some things that money can't buy... for everything else, there's Mastercard. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Emails: Syko416 - Syko416@hotmail.com Matt Ashe - aimee1@pacbell.net Shout outs to: ch4x, Toronto 2600 and Hack Canada. In next issue: the REAL slim shady Street date: June 1/00