*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 33 ** ** June 2000 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. Why Guitars Are Better Than Women by: Syko416 3. Why Women Are Better Than Guitars by: Syko416 4. Diary of a Young Canadian Phreak .:. Part One by: Nemesis11 5. For da Ladies by: Sporty Thievez 6. I AM A Mowat Student! by: Steve 7. My Last Week On Earth (Part:7) by: Syko416 8. My Last Week On Earth (Part:8) by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ppl ^^^^^^^ =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ Whassuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuppp??! Y0, it's the S.Y.K.O. so you better check yo'self. I know it smells in here, cuz this is da shit, Enjoy da shit PEACE OUT! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. Why Guitars Are Better Than Women ************************************ 1. A guitar has a volume knob. 2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one. 3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to. 4. You can unplug a guitar. 5. You can finger for hours without it complaining it wants more. 6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset. 7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested. 8. You can have a guitar in any color you want and no one will care. 9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg. 10. If your guitar makes sounds you don't like, you can return it. 11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar. 12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can get a lighter set. 13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to YOUR liking. 14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required. 15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free. 16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out. 17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed. 18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you. 19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective coating. 20. You can get rich playing a guitar. 21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it. 22. You can have a guitar all month long. 23. A guitar doesn't care how many other guitars you own. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. Why Women Are Better Than Guitars ************************************ 1. Women are more fun when the power goes out. 2. You can't get your guitar wet. 3. Ever try to screw a guitar? 4. The input to a guitar in only 1/4" (ouch). 5. A guitar can't be begged to be played. 6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it. 7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue. 8. Guitars aren't very aggresive. 9. A guitar won't play you back. 10. You need TWO hands to make a guitar scream. 11. A guitar won't scratch YOUR back. 12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk. 13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it. 14. You can't play 2 guitars at once. 15. A guitar can't fall in love with you. 16. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun. 17. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings. 18. If you really DO want little guitars, you have to buy them. 19. You can't marry a rich guitar. 20. Guitars don't taste very good. 21. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime. 22. A guitar won't give you head. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. Diary of a Young Canadian Phreak .:. Part One *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Since I first got my PC a year or two ago, I've always had an interest in hacking. Problem was, I wasn't any good at it. Didn't have the knack. I'd heard the term *phreaking* around different sites, but I didn't bother to find out what it was. While browsing through the Anarchist Cookbook I saw instructions for "Boxes" of different colors, tho I hadn't a fucking clue as to what they were. Looking around the Net I finally came to grasp what the concept of phreaking was. I (naturally) had an immediate interest in it, but as with all things, I'd have to start from scratch and teach myself. So for the past little while I've been messing around with different electrical shit, trying to find out what it's all about. Project one: Beige box. Usually, redboxing is the first step, but this seemed easier. So on a Friday I was walking home after school (I'm a Canadian high school student) I picked up some stuff I needed: - Cheapest of the cheap Wal-mart fones - Modular jack - Alligator clips That night I completed construction of my beige box, so I was obviously extremely anxious to try it out. I'm the only one of my friends interested in phreaking enough to actually do something about it, so I'd probobly be doing it alone, or with an un-interested assistant to stand guard. So it was all in place. All I had to do now was figure out who I wanted to tap. Hmmm... Tough question. An enemy, preferably. But how many enemys do I have that live nearby? Fuck it, you do the math. Hmmm... It might seem kinda obvious it was me if someone sees me doing it. So, why not do it to an enemy of a friend? Sounds good to me. But what enemy of what friend could I do it to. The only thing that sticks in my mind right now is my friend who was narked on for dealing weed. He's just about 16, maybe late 15, so he's not in jail... Actually, the cops don't even know. They told his parents and they fucked him over. Now he's not aloud to fart without getting shit on. We think someone that he sold it to got caught and their parents called his. I heard around that he knows/suspects the person that did it. All I gotta do is get ahold of him (he's not aloud on the phone) and find out who this person is... It's going to be an interesting week... To be continued... Nemesis11 - nemesis11@quakemail.com =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. For da Ladies **************** Nada franchise Nada shot callaz Yea sporty thievez Nada A pigeon is a girl who be walking by... My rimmed up blue red loose Spark wit five Her feet hurt so you know she wanna ride But she frontin like she cant say hi what? uh oohhh Yall chicks aint gettin nada uh oohhh Ya pussy aint worth the ramada uh oohhh Anyway ya friend looks hotta uh oohhh Game is something we got a lot of.. uh oohhh I dont want no pigeons dem be dem girls who Gets no dubz from me. Playing the bar dumb broke With her best friends coat Trying to holla at me uh oohhh I dont want no pigeons dem be dem girls who Gets no dubz from me. Playing the bar dumb broke With her best friends coat Trying to holla at me In the front of the club, I see this girl like "yo luv" Thought she said "thug" but she called me a "scrub", "scrub"? what? You must be talkin a joke, broke pigeon head freak, you lucky i spoke, This aint my benz dere this's my manz yea but this aint my car like that aint your hair uh oohhh pigeon take the them fake jewels off uh oohhh pigeon take ya' friends shoes off uh oohhh pigeon go 'head with that crazy shit yall make me sick home and go fucking babysit my big dogs goin' love this, get curtains get a brush and scrub this uh oohhh yall chicks aint gettin nada uh oohhh ya pussy aint worth the ramada uh oohhh anyway ya friend looks hotta uh oohhh game is something we got a lot of.. yo chill cuzins these birds is ill cuzin cuz they call me "scrub" like we cant even build cuzin you trick ronalds, you aint worth the mcdonald's throw you on the street scene make you shyt vinyls ayo flex, shorty tried to flash me wrong how she goin' wear sandals with nasty corns? that'd be wrong i wonder how you get hearts and dirty victoria draws with the shit marks, uh, ya flat ass gets enough laughs take you to the salon pluck ya mustache. so next time you shot gun and that mark bitch hittin you wit scrub, call that bitch a pigeon. a yo got a big dick, choose a ball you only walked pigeon toed 'cause ya shoes is small you dont shop you just cruise the mall, wit' le'press ons frontin' wit' ya girlfriends dress on you birds wanna take over? get some cash and a jenny jones make-over broke ass bitch i hate pigeons dirty braid pigeons medic- aid pigeons section 8 pigeons got me fed burnt ill tell these birds shut up and have ya left airy double ya whole get up go 'head with ya lame ass blow at night throw a ripped dolla at her tell her to put that on ya tray mats if you got more than one baby father... ohhh yess girl wez talkin to you if you strip all week to go clubbin ohhh yess girl wez talkin to you buy a dress to front and take it back to the store ohhh yess girl wez talkin to you wanna smoke with me wit no money ohhh noo i dont want noooo nooooo pigeonssss nooooo pigeonssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. I AM A Mowat Student! ************************ Hi, I don't drive a Lexus, or a Mercedes... I don't live in a mansion, or belong to a country club, or have a butler... I don't know Winston, Carlton or Winifred although I'm certain their wealth is not as great as mine, I wear Gap vests, not a bullet-proof vests. I speak normally and walk without a limp, and I say "Hello" not " 'Sup" I can calmly walk down the halls without being shot at,. I believe in cliques not gangs, Post-secondary education, NOT crime, and that the Gael is a truly proud and noble Mascot. A parentally-purchased vehicle IS acceptable, and it is pronounced it "Mowat", not 'Mo-White, MOWAT!!! MOWAT IS THE ONLY HIGHSCHOOL IN WESTHILL, THE FIRST SCHOOL OF HOCKEY, AND THE BEST SCHOOL IN TORONTO!!!!!! MY NAME IS STEVE, AND I AM A MOWAT STUDENT!!!!!!!! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. My Last Week on Earth (part 7) ********************************* I needed a gun but where can I get one? I didn’t know many people in Clifford. I took another hit of weed and then it hit me, Neve’s drug dealer. Last time I was here, we called her dealer to sell us some drugs. He could probably hook me up with a gun. I just hoped that I could remember his number. It was either 284-1185 or 248-1185. I called the first one. "Hello, Saint Michael’s Church, can I help you?" a woman said. "Uhh . . . I’m sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number" I said. "It’s ok, and may god be with you" She said as I hung up and called the other number. "Yo, whaddup?" a man said. It was the dealer. "Yo, I need a gun" I said getting right to the point. "I can do that, but it ain’t cheap" the dealer replied. "I have the money, be at the Bates Motel in 30 minutes and come alone" I said. "Alright, I’ll be there" he said and hung up. I went back to the marijuana and waited for the dealer to arrive. When he finally arrived, I went outside to meet him, with my $500 in my pocket. It was dark outside, after all it was 10 pm. He drove a modified, red Honda Civic with tinted windows. He was wearing a black leather jacket with jeans. "Yo, whacha got for me?" I asked as I walked up to him. "Check its out" he said as he opened the trunk of his car. Inside was every gun with every accessory imaginable. "That’s all very nice but I want something simple, what the cheapest one that you got?" I asked. "How ‘bout this one?" he said as he pulled out a silver 9 mm "It’s $500" "I’ll take it" I said as I gave him the money and took the gun. I started to walk away when he said: "Yo, you need ammo for that thing" "Shit," I murmured "Can you give it to me for free? I don’t have anymore money" "Sorry, no dough, then I gotta go" he said "Wait, how about I trade you this?" I said as I pulled out the silver heart I was going to give Neve. "It’s worth $200, all I want is one clip" The dealer looked that the heart. "Alright, I can give it to my girlfriend" he said as he put the heart in his pocket and threw me a clip. "If you are planning on killing someone, at least wait till the morning, then the weed will have worn off." "Yeah, whatever" I said as I went back into my motel room. He was right though. I guess it would be better to wait until the morning, so I could see if I really wanted to kill them. I placed the gun and my marijuana in my backpack, crawled into bed and went to sleep. To Be Continued . . . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. My Last Week on Earth (part 8) ********************************* I woke up at around 6 am and I was already in a bad mood. All I could think about was Neve fucking that guy. Every time I closed my eyes, there she was, riding him. I couldn’t take it anymore. I changed my clothes and put on a black t-shirt and jeans. I grabbed a joint and the gun and left the motel room. As soon as I was outside, I lit the joint and smoked it. Ah, weed, my only true friend. It was still dark outside but the sun would be up in an hour or so. I walked towards Neve’s house. I got there at about the same time that I finished my joint. I crept into her backyard, towards her window. When I got there, I saw that it was open. Probably to let some air in. I opened the window some more, and slipped in. It took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the darkness but when they did, I saw that Neve and the guy were sleeping in each other’s arms, and, from what I could tell, Neve had her legs wrapped around him. They looked so peaceful. I had to end it. I turned on the lights in Neve’s room and yanked the sheets off them. With the sheets removed, I saw that they were naked. "Wake up, you back stabbing bitch!" I yelled at Neve. "Oh my god, Jimmy!" she said as she opened her eyes and saw me. She grabbed her robe and covered herself. "I can explain" "What? You tripped, fell and landed on his dick??" I snapped. "Fuck off, I am trying to sleep" yelled the guy as he grabbed the blankets and pulled them back on himself. "Fuck off?? Fuck off?? FUCK YOU!!" I screamed at him as I pulled out the gun and fired 3 shots at him. I hit him in the chest and stomach. The white sheets quickly became red with blood. "Holly Shit!" Neve screamed. "Now, it’s your turn" I said as I pointed the gun at Neve. Her eyes widened and she turned white. "No, Jimmy, please don’t. I love you" she begged for her life as tears started to roll down her cheeks. "Don’t give me that bullshit! I used to believe it, but now I find out it was all a lie. All those times you said you loved me, it was all a lie. Well, it all ends here." I said as I closed my eyes and squeezed on the trigger. To Be Continued . . . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* sorry, no news this month, check next months issue =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten *********** What is a Cat? (well, it's like a top ten list) 1) Cats do what they want. 2) They rarely listen to you. 3) They're totally unpredictable. 4) They whine when they are not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to be alone. 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8) They're moody. 9) They leave hair everywhere. 10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********* Innocent Cowgirl **************** One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience. On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies. Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?" "Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope". She slides her hands further down and gasps. "Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks. "Honey, them's my knots", he answers. Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute". Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?" "No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!" Condoms With Pesticides *********************** A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them that condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?" The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4." "No, no, I want me them that condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer. "Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide." "Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it." Fishing ******* A couple went on a fishing vacation. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment." What's that? ************ A couple took their young son to the zoo, and while the father was buying cotton candy, the boy and his mother waited by the elephant cage. The lad looked at the elephant and said, "Mommy, what is that long thing on the elephant?" "Why, that's the elephant's trunk, dear." "No, mommy, on the other end." "Oh, that's his tail." "No, mommy, underneath his tail." The woman saw her son was pointing at the elephant's penis, so, as she turned bright red, said, "Oh, that's nothing." When the father came back the boy asked him the same questions about the "long thing on the elephant," and got the same answers except for the last, to which his father replied, "Why, that's the elephant's penis, son." "But daddy, how come mommy told me that was nothing?" "It's because I have spoiled her for so long." Sex-Lax ******* A guy went to his doctor and asked for a prescription for sex-lax. "You mean 'Ex-lax,' don't you?" laughed the doctor. "Hell no! I don't have trouble going, I have trouble coming!" Barbie ****** This guy in a toy store asks the saleslady: "Does Barbie come with Ken?" "No." she replies, "Barbie cums with G I Joe, she fakes it with Ken." =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Emails: Nemesis11 - nemesis11@quakemail.com Syko416 - syko416@hotmail.com Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Shout outs to: ch4x, Toronto 2600 and Hack Canada. In next issue: Canada Day Issue!! Street date: July 1/00