*********************************************** ** Sykotic ** ** Times ** ** Issue # 34 ** ** July 2000 ** ** http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko ** *********************************************** DISCLAIMER ********** This zine is for shit purposes only. I don't give a shit if you break the law because it's YOUR ass that is going to get raped in jail. If you do any of this shit (and get caught) YOU fucked up. it ain't muh fault so fuck off! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SHIT HEAD!! (I realise that most of this shit isn't illegal but I just think that I should warn you) The Shit ******** 1. Editorial by: Syko416 2. I AM AMERICAN.... by: Syko416 3. A Cool Trick by: Syko416 4. Diary of a Young Canadian Phreak .:. Part Two by: Nemesis11 5. The Search by: Mallus 6. THE REAL MAN'S MATH TEST by: Syko416 7. My Last Week On Earth (Part:9) by: Syko416 8. My Last Week On Earth (Part:10) by: Syko416 9. News by: Syko416 10. Top Ten by: Syko416 11. Jokes by: Syko416 12. Left Over Shit by: Syko416 ^^^^^^^ 31337 ppl =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 1. Editorial ************ \\\ , \ `| ) ( .-""-. | | /_ { '. | | (/ `\ } ) | | ^/ ^`} { \ \ \= ( { ) \ \ '-, { {{ \ \_.' ) } ) \.-' ( ( / ) ( } \.( . { _/\ ) `- ' `-;\ \ _.-' / / / <\/>_.' .' / / <\/>/. ' /<\// / _ |\`- _ . -/| - _- ` _.-'`_/- | \ - - - - \\\ }`<\/> <\/>`{ { -<\/>_<\/>_<\/>- } } { <\/>. <\/> {`<\/> <\/>`} } -<\/>_<\/>_<\/>_<\/>- { { } } } { { <\/> HAPPY BIRTHDAY <\/> CANADA!! `<\/> <\/>' -<\/>_<\/>_<\/>_<\/>_<\/>- © That's all I really have to say :) =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 2. I AM AMERICAN.... ********************* I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or generally well-liked. I don't live in a clean place, I don't eat nutritiously very often, And I abandon my car on the side of the interstate until the tires are stolen. I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg, Although I'm certain they were American. I drink watery beer. I don't use utensils when eating. I believe in guns for settling disputes, not discussions. And I pronounce it AIN'T, not AREN'T. I don't say "you're welcome" in response to "thank you" , I say "Uh Huh" I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack......until I go anywhere. Burger King IS fine dining and Miss America is a virgin. Ketchup IS a vegetable and WWF wrestling is real. The UNITED STATES is the ONLY country in the world, The FIRST nation of ignorance, And the BEST part of South America! My name is Johnny Bob Jimmy Joe Ray, I'm married to my sister, AND I AM AMERICAN! =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 3. A Cool Trick *************** Here's a cool trick with numbers. * Pick any number * and 1 to the number * add the original number to the new number * add 9 * divide by 2 * subtrack the original number * subtrack 5 Your Number is 0 (Zero) =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 4. Diary of a Young Canadian Phreak .:. Part Two *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Over the past few weeks I've been sitting in my house, telling myself that I'd go out tomorrow to try my beige box. Each time, tomorrow never came the next day. It was then I realized that nothing was ever going to happen for me if I didn't take action. I called a friend who seemed interested (for privacy's sake, we'll call him X) and offered the experience. We're both amateurs (him more so), so we couldn't stop the tingle of excitement from sneaking up on us. Getting excited over the thought of an improvised lineman's handset must sound m33k. I compiled the shit I needed, including a fone with an attached mute switch (not button), my beige box, spare parts (A-clips, wire, etc), hand-held recorder and a small crowbar for suprises (heh). Later that night we grabbed out g33r and went out. One small problem I had counted on was the task of finding an exposed box containing the terminals needed. They're there, just hard to find. So we looked for 10 minutes until we found our first house. It was a fair sized 2 story home with 2 cars parked in the driveway. I was suprised that this house had exposed terminals, as it looked like a home that wouldn't take any chances when it came to security. So my friend and I crouched and darted over to the side of the house, SWAT style. X took the liberty of removing the casing of the box while I got to work setting up. Setting up was actually an overstatement: connecting the beige box to the fone was the extent of "setting up". I made sure the mute switch was set in the off direction and connected the red clip to the terminal trailing the red wire. Green came next. I attached the green alligator clip to the terminal to hear the end of a sentence ..."out yet or what?", accompanied by a tingle of static. The conversation toiled on for several minutes. Some garbage about a party or something. Finally, when the conversation ended, we were on the move again. We tapped into several different houses, but when there was a conversation happening, it was dull and pointless. It looked like we had had enough for the night. We'd had our bit of fun, and I would be able to say in all honesty that I've tapped into someone's fone-line before. Heh. Too cool. We were walking home and we passed a respectably large house with a Benz in the driveway. Both of us pass this house everyday on our way home, and never think twice about it. But as we came closer I saw something that caught my eye. Not only were the terminals exposed, but there was a section of tall picket fence we could sit behind. I indicated the spot to X. He grinned. Without saying a word we sped to the side of the house where the terminals were located. I flipped open the box and connected both of clips to the corressponding terminals, remembering to keep the hang-up button clamped in my hand. We trailed the wire behind the fence and sat down, sheltered by the thick fence. With the receiver wedged between my ear and shoulder I released the button. Loud static and the distinct sound of a fone being taken off the hook were clearly audible. FUCK! The mute switch must have been turned into the ON position in my bag! FUCK! Someone was talking on the fone! Before my mind could comprehend what was happening, my reflexes went directly to the switch and hit it back into the off position. But did anyone notice? A man was talking to another man on the fone, and one said "You hear that?" "Probobly nothing. Back to buisness." The other replyed "Sounded like an eavsdropper to me." "Probobly just your girlfriend trying to use the phone. Let's carry on." "Normally that would be possible", the first said "but my girlfriend's not here." "Shit. Looks like we've got a tap. Go!" There was an audible *click* and it was over. FUCK! We had to get out of here! This guy didn't sound like the kind of person you'd want to fuck with! And what was he talking about that was so important? I grabbed my fone and beige box, threw it in my bag and stood up. I heard footsteps coming from the front of the house. I glanced at X. By the look on his face, it was safe to say he heard it to. We bolted into the backyard towards the high wooden fence. The beam of a powerful flashlight danced around in front of us. I felt like some poor fucker from the Blair Witch Project. We reached the fence and jumped on it at the precise same time. Luckily, we had had alot of experience hopping fences as kids, so we were over the fence in 2 seconds flat. My feet hit the ground with a loud and sluggish *thump*. I was almost out of breath with this back-pack on. No time to lose, though- had to keep running. We ran through someone else's yard and onto a small cul-de-sac. The sound of someone who maybe hadn't had alot of experience fence-hopping, struggling their way up a tall wooden fence was distinct in the backround. I guess they didn't make it, as the struggling stopped and someone yelled, "Stay the fuck away, you here? I'll get you, you little- " But that was all we heard as the voice trailed off into the distance. X and myself jogged over to a large, enclosed park nearby and sat down, panting for air. We sat in silence for almost a full minute, panting, until we both started to laugh. Not a humorous laugh, but at least it was there. We were safe... For now. The only thing to do now was to whip out the gram-bat I'd been saving for a "special" occasion. When we were flatly toasted we went home. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 5. The Search * by: Mallus * *************** Walking through the lonely nights I find solace in meager delights. A warm bed, shelter from the rain, a homecooked meal, a chance to rest my feet. wandering town to town...looking for truth and love. finding only despair...I look farther. Lost in the suburban sprawl....haunting the urban jungle... Home is in my head....on hard ground I make my bed. Again I awake to find my life drifting before my weary eyes. chances missed..... friends gone forever.... a life wasted... but still I walk on..... walking.... searching.... never finding my lost dreams... never finding happiness.... never finding my lost love... never finding rest.... =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 6. THE REAL MAN'S MATH TEST **************************** If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get? Answer: 8 hours, 59 minutes. Who cares what she wants? =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 7. My Last Week on Earth (part 9) ********************************* It all seemed to happen in slow motion. The bullet came out of the gun and hit Neve right in the chest. It pushed her backwards and she tripped over a chair and fell to the floor. She landed on the her side and rolled over to stop face down. I just stood there, looking at what I had done. A small pool of blood started to come out from under he stomach. I just watched it grow bigger. After what seemed like an hour, I heard some sirens in the distance. One of the neighbors must have heard the gun shots and called the police. I quickly jumped out the window, into the backyard, and headed for the front yard but then, I turned the corner of the house, I saw a police car pulling into the driveway. I turned around and ran back into the backyard. I wasn’t sure if the police officer saw me, but I wasn’t going to stick around to find out. I jumped over the fence and ran across someone’s backyard. I saw some woods down the street and headed towards them. I almost made it to the woods, all I had to do was cross the street. I ran across the street and looked just in time to see a police car come flying at me. I didn’t have time to move out of the way. The car hit me and I went flying over the hood and windshield and landed in the middle of the street. I looked back and saw that the police car had stopped and the police officer was getting out of the car. I tired to get up and run away, but I couldn’t. Then, everything went black. To Be Continued . . . . . . =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 8. My Last Week on Earth (part 10) ********************************** I opened my eyes and saw that i was in a hospital room. "He’s awake" a voice said. I looked and saw a nurse by the door. She stuck her head out the door and repeated: "He’s awake!" She came back into the room and she was followed but 2 men wearing gray trench coats. "Hello, Mr. Henderson" the first one said "My name is Special Agent Smith and this is my partner Special Agent Smythe" They both pulled out their identification and showed them to me. They were from CSIS. "We’re From the Canadian Security Intelligence Service or CSIS for short" said Agent Smythe. "I figured that, is there anything I can help you with?" I asked trying to play it cool. "Do you know a Neve Mcleod?" Agent Smith asked. "Yeah, she’s my girlfriend, I was on my way to see her." I said. "I see, and why were you running away from her house instead of running towards it?" he asked. "I, uhh. . . . forgot the flowers I was going to give her." I replied. "And why were you in possession of a handgun?" He asked. Busted! I was trapped. there was nothing I could say or do to get me out of this one. I said the first thing that came to me: "It was for my protection, I always have it with me" "Sure. Mr. Jimmy Henderson, you are under arrest" he said as Agent Smythe pulled out some handcuffs and cuffed me to the hospital bed. "Anything you say, can and will be used against you. You have the right to a lawyer. If you can’t afford it, one will be appointed to you. Do you wish to say anything?" "Oh, Fuck it." I said "Yeah, I killed her and that asshole she was fucking, but so what? I am dying. I have cancer of the liver and I’ll be dead by the end of the week, so there!" "Actually," came a voice from the other side of the room. I looked in the direction it came from and saw a doctor standing there. "You are completely healthy, and you will probably live a long life" he continued. "You see, when you were hit by the car, you liver was badly damaged. So badly damaged that we had to replace it. It turns out that all the cancer was in the liver and when we removed it, we also removed all the cancer from your body." That’s when everything started to go bad. I’ll make a long story short. Since I pretty much admitted to killing Neve and Mike, they had no trouble convicting me. I was convicted and sentenced to life in prison with no possibility of parole. But it’s not all bad. I have a new girlfriend, he’s name is Bubba. The End What did you think of the story? Email me at syko416@hotmail.com =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 9.News ******* D.C. Deion By Andrew Mason NFL.com (June 5, 2000) Deion Sanders has made a habit of hopping from one side of a rivalry to another. In 1994, he bolted from the Atlanta Falcons to their division rivals, the San Francisco 49ers. One year later, he signed with the Dallas Cowboys, who at the time were in the midst of a five-year battle with the 49ers for NFC supremacy. So following the Cowboys' decision to release him on June 2, there was only one destination that kept in time with his pattern of relocation - the Washington Redskins. With the Redskins and Sanders quickly striking up a mutual interest, the two parties consummated the deal on Monday, as the cornerback signed a deal ensuring a seven-year hitch with the Redskins. Clearly, Sanders' was the Redskins' marked man. "I consider Deion Sanders the ultimate weapon in all of football," Washington owner Daniel Snyder said. He certainly is the ultimate dresser in the game. At the Monday press conference introducing Sanders to the Washington-area media, he stepped to the podium at Redskin Park in Ashburn, Va. wearing a burgundy suit - one that perfectly matched the color of the Redskins' rarely-worn dark jerseys. The suit proved to be the physical manifestation of the Redskins spirit that Sanders seems to already possess. "I always enjoyed the ride from the hotel to the stadium (in Washington)," Sanders recollected. "As we got closer to the stadium you experienced true Redskins fans. There's nothing like the tradition, there's nothing like the fans, there's nothing like Redskins football." With the addition of the spirited Sanders, Washington's locker room could burst with brightness due to the magnitude of the star power inside. Sanders joins Mark Carrier, Jeff George and back-to-back first-round selections LaVar Arrington and Chris Samuels among the flood of marquee names joining the roster. Those newcomers join a team already studded with stars such as cornerback Darrell Green, quarterback Brad Johnson, wide receiver Michael Westbrook, running back Stephen Davis and defensive tackle Dana Stubblefield. "We're definitely the `Who's Who' of the NFL now," wide receiver Irving Fryar. "We've got a lot of great names who carry a lot of great talent with them. Yeah, on paper, we're the team." Only two things would seem to short-circuit the Redskins' chances of being a serious Super Bowl contender -injuries and chemistry. But when asked about the latter issue, Sanders downplayed it. "We can hold hands and play ring around the rosie all we want in the locker room," he said. "If we don't make plays, we're not going to win." Now, just one question remains: who sits on the bench? Two starting cornerback slots, and three qualified candidates: Champ Bailey, Sanders and Green, the 40-year-old cornerback who signed a five-year deal on May 30. "As the job changes, your responsibility changes," said Green, who was repeatedly referred to by Sanders as his "role model." "This is only normal, this is only natural." The seemingly ageless Green, eight years Sanders' senior, may end up proving to be a barometer for the length of Sanders' career in Washington. "I'm going to play as long as Darrell plays," Sanders said. ***************************************************************************** Eminem hit with new charge Thursday, June 8, 2000 From Canoe.com ROYAL OAK, Mich. (AP) -- Best-selling rapper Eminem was charged with more weapons counts Thursday, this time for allegedly brandishing a gun in a confrontation with a member of the rival group Insane Clown Posse. The latest accusations came a day after the 27-year-old Grammy winner, whose real name is Marshall Bruce Mathers III, was charged with carrying a concealed weapon and assault with a deadly weapon, both felonies. Those charges relate to a fight that broke out early Sunday after Eminem allegedly saw another man kissing his wife, Kimberly Mathers, 25, outside a nightclub in Warren, a Detroit suburb. Prosecutors said Eminem hit the man over the head with an unloaded gun. According to the new charges, Eminem also got in a dispute last Saturday with Douglas Dail of Insane Clown Posse outside a stereo shop in Royal Oak. Oakland County Prosecutor David Gorcyca said Eminem and Dail exchanged words before Eminem stepped from his car and pulled a pistol. Eminem did not point the gun directly at Dail but threatened him, Gorcyca said. Eminem cooperated fully with local police when questioned Thursday, Gorcyca said. For reasons unclear, the prosecutor said, Dail has recanted his initial statement to police and "refuses to cooperate." Eminem was charged with felony possession of a concealed weapon and misdemeanor brandishing of a firearm. The concealed weapons counts in both cases each carry up to five years behind bars. The assault count could bring up to four years in prison, while the firearm-brandishing misdemeanor carries up to 90 days in jail. Eminem's lawyer, Howard Hertz, had said his client is innocent of the first charges. He did not immediately comment on Thursday's case. At his arraignment in Warren on Wednesday, the rapper was freed after posting 10 percent of his $100,000 bond and was allowed to go on tour. Gorcyca said he was well aware the charges could boost the bad-boy image of the hip-hop star, who has the No. 1 album in the country, "The Marshall Mathers LP." "I think this is probably good publicity for him," Gorcyca said. "The mantra for a rapper is to be tough guy. Maybe among those in the rapper world, this might be a badge of honor." =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 10. Top Ten *********** What is a Dog? 1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4) They growl when they're not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to play. 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They are great at begging. 8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. 9) They leave their toys everywhere. 10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 11. Jokes ********* Drunk ***** The local priest saw a staggering, falling down, blind drunk come crashing into his church. After picking himself up and Alternating between crawling and falling, the drunk finally made it into one side of the confessional. Marking this man as one who was obviously in need of making confession, the priest hurried into his own side of the confessional, encountering at this close range a terrible smell coming from his new visitor. But the priest steeled himself and said, "May I be of assistance, my son?" "Well maybe," slurred the drunk. "Do you have any toilet paper over there in your stall?" Cookie ****** A little girl was getting a haircut from a barber, who gave her a cookie to eat to help keep her mind occupied. As he was slinging hair around, he noticed some of it fall on her face while she was eating. "Oh, little girl, do you have hair on your cookie?" "Hell no, mister, I'm only ten years old!" Loose Girl ********** A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!" "That's no ring! That's my wristwatch." Plane ***** Hillary and Bill were on their private plane and Bill said, "Hillary I want to throw a $100 dollar bill out the window and make one person happy." Hillary replies, "Why don't you throw 10 $10 dollar bills out and make 10 people happy?" Then their pilot says, "Why don't you both jump out the window and make everyone happy!" Gone Fishin' ************ A man and his wife checked into a hotel for their honeymoon one warm June day. The desk clerk and hotel manager gave each other the'nudge-nudge', indicating that they would never see the two of them all week long, as they would be up in the room, consummating their marriage. But, to the managers' amazement, the new husband came down the stairs at 5:00 am, dressed in waders, with fishing poles and tackle boxes in tow. He left the hotel, and did not return until the sun was dropping beneath the horizon. This same routine was performed for the next three days...the husband would come down the stairs early in the morning, decked out for a day of fishing, and be gone for most of the day. The hotel manager was amazed...if his wife was as attractive as this mans wife was, he would be in bed with her all day long! So , he decided to confront the man when he returned from his day of fishing. Around 7:30 that evening, the husband returned. Immediately, he was confronted by the hotel manager. "Sir, I must ask you...have we in some way failed you as a hotel?" "Why do you ask", asked the husband. "Well, Sir, every day, you leave your wife alone, to spend the day fishing.I would have expected you to spend the day with her, making love to her." "Oh, I see what you mean", said the man. "My wife is unable to makelove to me, as she has Gonorrhea" Taken aback, the manager replied "But certainly, Sir, you could have her perform oral sex on you?" "Can't. She has pyorrhea, and her mouth hurts her to much" "Sir, what about Anal sex?" "Nope. She has diarrhea" "But Sir," said the most shaken manager. "If you wife has Pyorrhea, Gonorrhea, and Diarrhea, why on earth did you marry her?" "Well," said the man "I like to fish, and she has worms!" Anal Sex ******** An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?" =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 12. Left Over Shit ****************** Is there anything wrost then shit? yeah, left over shit, sucka! So here it is: Want be come famous? Write for Sykotic Times! Send your articles to: syko416@hotmail.com I put anything/everything in here. Visit : http://www.deathsdoor.com/syko Emails : Syko416 - syko416@hotmail.com Mallus - Mallus@disinfo.net Nemesis11 - nemesis11@quakemail.com Shout outs to: ch4x, Toronto 2600 and Hack Canada. In next issue: I aint got your Money Street date: August 1/00