How to Hack Tech Support

by Dennis Fiery

I hate tech support.  I hate tech support.  I hate tech support!  I'm sick of it!

I got a new computer and the CD-ROM drive was broken.  So I called the company.  What followed was a two day nightmare of busy signals, waiting on hold, rampant disconnections, and moronic tech support "technicians" who, when I asked if they had an e-mail address, told me their web site.  I listened to their lousy hold music for so long I learned to play it on my armpits.  What I hate most of all is that the problem was their fault, their responsibility, and yet they didn't seem to care.

They sold me a broken product and wasted my time, and what's the first thing they say when they finally answer the phone - "Visa or Mastercard, sir?"  I'm sick of their false "caring."  I'm sick of their lousy service.  And I'm sick of having to pay for lousy service.  That's why I decided to write this article.

I've been on both sides of the phone line.  For a year I was one of those faceless tech support representatives for a software company.  I've called tech support lines many times.  Sometimes it was part of my job as a tech support technician when I needed a piece of obscure data about another company's product to help one of my own customers; and sometimes it was because of a bug or problem I was having on my own.  With that background I'd like to explain how you can avoid paying for tech support, and how to receive better support from most companies.

Goobers and Gorillas

First let's talk about your phone manner - how you behave when you're on the phone.

Realize you're probably going to be on hold for an hour before getting through.  It's part of the game, and you're smart enough to anticipate it.  Therefore, you shouldn't get bent out of shape about it.

Throughout the entire call, maintain a pleasant attitude.  Don't be a wise-ass.  When I was doing tech support we divided callers into different categories.  There were Goobers (dummies), Gorillas (assholes), Read-a-Books (people who read a book or magazine article on technology so now they think they're experts), and the genuine nice folks.  The people who got the best service from us were the genuinely nice people who did not argue, who listened carefully to what we told them, and who did not egotistically spout out technical computer jargon.  (Later, I'll mention one exception to the niceness rule.)

Go Along With It

To scam them effectively, you have to go along with their game.

Give them whatever information they ask for.  If they ask for your credit card number, don't make a whole big stink about it.  Some callers start yelling "Your software is full of bugs!  I'm not paying for your mistakes!"  Don't waste your breath.  See it from their point of view - they don't know if you have a genuine complaint, or a bug.  They won't charge your card until after the problem has been identified as your own fault, and until you both agree the problem has been rectified.  They aren't trying to sneak hidden charges on your card or anything like that.  (And if they do sneak charges on your card, just call your credit card company to complain.  Your credit card company will be on their ass fast.)

Moving On Up

Most tech support personnel know less than you do about their products.

I've seen this problem plague small companies as well as large ones like Microsoft.  There just aren't enough people qualified to provide accurate tech support, so most of the ones who end up doing it are mere screen readers.  They have a glorified help system on their computer, and they use it to look up answers to common problems the caller may be facing.  If your problem is uncommon, unique in any way, they won't be able to help you.  Your only hope is to try and get your call moved up to a manager or supervisor.

Most supervisors are not only more knowledgeable, they're better at explaining technical concepts over the phone.  It's hard to get them to talk to you because the company reserves supervisors for those who pay outlandish sums of money for special support services.  But often you can get them on the phone.  After the lower-level support person proves himself to be an idiot, start acting annoyed and ask to speak to his manager.  They may or may not acquiesce, depending on the company's policies and how busy they are.  If the person has an accent, you can use that as an excuse: "I can't understand you!"  One time I waited on hold for 30 minutes but then I finally did get to speak to a supervisor who was knowledgeable and deeply apologetic.

Sacrificing the Screen Reader

If they refuse to let you speak with a supervisor, continue letting the lowly screen reader help you, but as soon as he puts you on hold, hang up the phone.

These lower-level support people are always putting callers on hold.  What's happening is that they're conferring with their supervisor or another tech support person who knows more than they do.  The knowledgeable one gives them a few questions to ask, a few ideas, then they come back to you and ask.  When they get your response, they put you on hold and go off to talk to their supervisor again.  Thus the caller gets put on hold repeatedly until the problem is resolved.

Use "Hold" to your advantage.  If you feel you're not getting through to the guy, hang up and immediately call back.  As soon as they pick up, go into "annoyed" mode.  Interrupt their opening questions in an aggravated tone, telling them how you've already been on the phone two hours with an idiot, who rudely hung up on you!  They will be sympathetic and a bit on guard.  At this point you might want to ask immediately to be transferred to a supervisor because you're "fed up with them," or you might want to "feel out" this new support person, and see if he or she is more knowledgeable than the first one.  Usually I've been able to get through to the supervisor using this hang-up-and-act-annoyed method.

The Gurgling Sea

I'd like to say one final thing about supervisors.  As I've said, supervisors are more knowledgeable than the screen readers (at a small company the "supervisor" is likely to be the programmer who wrote the software, which is another reason you want to step gingerly with your comments so as not to offend them).

For these reasons, they have lots of knowledge swimming in their heads about the product and very often, as you talk to them, some of that knowledge comes gurgling out - even when they don't intend it to.  This is useful with Pay Tech Support, where they charge you money for solving your problem.  If you listen carefully to what the technician says, often you can piece together the solution on your own, and therefore you don't have to pay them anything.  Sometimes you can piece together the situation merely by paying attention to their line of questioning.  What were they thinking when they asked that?  What is this leading up to?  A few times these techniques have provided me the nudge I needed to figure it out for myself.  If you do figure out a problem on your own, keep it a secret!  And read on...

The Phantom Meeting Ruse

"Thank you for answering!  I've been on hold 45 minutes and I've got an appointment in a half hour!"

Speak these words in a friendly voice, but a voice that indicates a time limit to the call.  This is crucial, because it gives you an excuse to hang up whenever the problem is solved.  If you figure it out yourself, then just say, "Look, I'm getting impatient here and I have to leave for my meeting.  Let's continue this tomorrow."  Often the support person will be apologetic: "I'm sorry I couldn't help you this evening."

The crucial factor is to never reveal your problem has been solved.  If they don't know your problem was solved, they can't charge you for solving it!  A friend of mine had problems with his sound card.  I told him to keep the volume turned down low so he wouldn't accidentally play music when the technician was on the phone.  My friend let the technician solve the problem, but he continued saying sheepishly "Sorry, that didn't work either."  The technician put him on hold yet again and, while he was on hold, he turned up the volume and found the problem had been solved.  As soon as the technician came back on the line, my friend used the excuse that he was late for his appointment.  Problem solved for free!

Never reveal your problem is solved!  If it's a printer problem, keep the printer muffled and away from the phone so it doesn't accidentally make noise.  If the problem is a game that won't play properly, keep the speakers turned off or select a silent sound option.  The technician will never know if his suggested fixes work or not.  Then use an excuse to get off the phone.

Evasion Tactics

The technician will store your case in his computer as "unresolved."

They may call you back on a subsequent day, so you'll want to be careful about answering the phone the next week or so.  Tell them you don't have time to speak; you're not near your computer; the problem is still unsolved.  Most importantly of all, try not to get on the phone with them in the first place.

Alternatives to Phone Support

Some companies charge a fee for any kind of tech support at all, regardless of whether they solve the problem, regardless of whether the problem is your fault or theirs.  I think this is unfair, and obviously these tactics won't work in that kind of situation.

Unfortunately we may see more of that in the future.  For that reason it's important to be aware of some alternatives to the telephone.  Before wasting your time with tech support, check out the company's website for FAQs.  Some companies have phone systems that let you provide a fax number and they fax you information on the topic you request.

For non-urgent situations, try sending e-mail to the company.  I've had good success with e-mail.  Even when they force you to pay for phone support, often they will respond for free to e-mailed queries.  And naturally you will want to try sifting through USENET forums for information relevant to your problem.

Ever since the Internet boon in 1995-1996, USENET has been a shaky source of information, but it is still possible to get a good answer there some of the time.  Try going these routes first, before calling tech support.  Then you will be knowledgeable when you call the company, and you might be able to get your answer just by listening carefully to the questions and comments that slip out of the support person's mouth.

Finally, I'd like to award honorable mention to one customer who lived a few streets away from us, so when he had a problem he would personally visit our company and receive special one-on-one help sessions with people in our office.  How could we refuse a good customer who was also a neighbor?  While others waited on hold or received inadequate instruction over the phone, this guy was getting personal tutoring with the programmers who wrote the software.  If you don't live near the company, see if you can find someone who does!

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