1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. 10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. 12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. 13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. 15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 16. A calendar's days are numbered. 17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. 18. A boiled egg is hard to beat. 19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 20. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large. 22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. 25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. 26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 28. Acupuncture: a jab well done. 29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. **************** "The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum "Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily "Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic "Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit (illustrated by Betty Wont) "The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns "How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich "Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff "How to Save Time" by Terry A. While *************** 1.He who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine. 2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. 5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. 6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. 7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. 9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. 11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. 12. When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I. 13. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. 14. Definition of a will: A dead give away. 15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 16. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. 17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. 18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 19. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? 20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 22. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 23. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 24. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 25. Every calendar's days are numbered. 26. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. 27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 28. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. 29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 30. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. 31. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 32. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 33. Acupuncture is a jab well done. ************** A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!) A backwards poet writes inverse. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get re-possessed. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. ************* 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 12 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 13 . A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 14 . I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 15 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 14 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?" ****************** ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. *********************** 1. A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stopped him and said, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger." 2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world. 3. Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils. 4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. 8. A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete's sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!" 9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him.... what? (This is so bad it's good...) --a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 11. And finally, ... there was a person who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. *************************** Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does. Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty \mis'-tee\: How some golfers create divots. Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians. Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm. Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with. Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring. Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife. Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six. Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man. Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government. ************** Considerations 1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling too. 7. A husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 8. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. 9. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." 10. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 11. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!" 12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. 13. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. 14. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 15. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk." 16. The early bird still has to eat worms. 17. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them. 18. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. 19. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 20. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 21. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said. 22. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 23. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? 24. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor. 25. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (Or severe distortions thereof) Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. Definition of a will: A dead give away. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. ************* What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? 1 US Leader What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? It scares the hell out of the dog. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers? Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows. What is the new O.J. web site address? slash.slash.backslash.escape What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather...kinky is using the whole chicken. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One....Men will screw anything. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? Beat IT-we're closed. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? K9P What is another name for pickled bread? Dill-dough. Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? She's withholding evidence. What is the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on. Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. What is the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. What is the definition of macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy. What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him. **************** In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh ... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches ... that fish will jump for the fly...and I will eat him." It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy." You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but...I can tell you there was more...... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly.... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich." A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish....and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich.....then I can have mouse for lunch." The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly.... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear.... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Some pussy is probably in danger. **************** Conversions: Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 pains 1 kiloahurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line 454 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 milliliters of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League 100 Senators: Not 1 decision ******************* Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time. So, my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. He could then sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the bells. My uncle's favorite was rooster, Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all morning, so Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. This allowed his to sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair, and where he became an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Prize, but also the PulletSurprise. ************* 1. What do Jell-O and a woman have in common? ---They both wiggle when you eat them. 2. What is a Yankee? ---The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. 3. What do women and condoms have in common? ---They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis. 4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing? ---Odor eaters. 5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? ---A Lickalotopuss. 6. Why do men name their penis? ---They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions. 7. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? ---Snowballs. 8. What does a rooster have that a man wants? ---A hard pecker. 9. What kind of bees give milk? ---Boo bees. 10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as? ---Speed bumps. 11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? ---They both like a tight seal. 12. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven? ---If it were more, it would be Hell. 13. What has three teeth and sixty feet? --- The front row at a Willy Nelson concert. 14. What is the new gay Internet address? ---c: enter 15. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? ---They're right! We do taste like chicken! 16. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? ---The balls are just for decoration. 17. What did the banana say to the vibrator? ---What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME! 18. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning? ---They have no balls to scratch 19. What is the difference between erotic and kinky? ---Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken. 20. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? ---About three inches. 21. How do you make a hormone? ---Don't pay her. 22. What do you call a gay dinosaur? ---A Megasorass. 23. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ---One..Men will screw anything. 24. What do Michael Jackson and a grocery bag have in common? ---They are both made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with. 25. What is the mating call of a blonde? --- "I'm sooooo drunk!" *********************** To pun is human... 1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backwards poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. ******************* The president of a South American country was visiting Dubya in DC. The visiting leader said, "Bullfighting is the most cherished sport in my country." Bush replied "Bullfighting? I've always thought it was revolting." "No, no, Mr. President. That's our second most cherished sport." .The Vice Principal announced over the intercom "We would like to congratulate Mr. Green on his forthcoming marriage." Later, he thanked her for the message, but suggested she use smaller words because several students had asked him about his 3 earlier marriages. ~~ A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD ~~ Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons? Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Banning the bra was a big flop. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as an historian, until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind. **************************** Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! To err is human, to moo bovine. A good pun is its own reword. Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. If life gives you llamas, make llamanade. Despite rumors to the contrary, a mime is actually a very satisfying thing to waste. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons? A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Adolescence - when a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a bosomed buddy. Banning the bra was a big flop. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. *********************** .A nun got her skirt caught in a revolving door., so she entered the building by force of habit. .Companies that don't ship enough coal will be undermined. .Spilt Milk: Udder waste Judge ruled that stolen dog foods Are ill-gotten Gaines. .Compare an insomniac and a retail butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak .A salmon's progeny asks, "Am I a fish or an egg?" Its mother answers, "Roe, Roe, Roe, You're Both." .The cotton thief was held without bale. .Ammonia: Billy's mum offered me a lift after school, but I said ammonia short way from home. .Toyoda: A Jedi Knight action figure. .What the difference between a bombastic pun-off contestant and a car-chasing canine on a hot day? One puns and rants, the other runs and pants. .If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. .If you want to be instrumental in tuning up these plays on words, Don't phone me. Xylophone you ."In the field of environmental awareness, I'm a farmer that recycles after I clean out my wood stove!" Tom spread abroad with outstanding panache. .Grumbled the new groom at dinner: "Why can't you make bread like my mother does?" Answered his bride, "Why can't you make dough like my father does .Miners with illuminated helmets say it makes them feel lightheaded. .High-ranking officers shop at the General Store. .Hymen: Guys on pot ."I used to raise beef, but now I raise thoroughbreds.", Tom said steering the conversation onto a new track. .In 1974 Shirley Temple Black was appointed U.S. Ambassador to Ghana. To celebrate, gala parties were planned at both the Swiss and British embassies. Ambassador Black's assistants made plans for her to attend both fetes, but the Ambassador made it clear she wanted no part of a two ball legation. .My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She said it wasn't much to start out, but a huge pay raise. It read: Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr. .They were married for better or worse. He couldn't have done better and she couldn't have done worse. .Land mines cost an arm and a leg. .He has saloon arthritis. Every night, he is stiff in another joint. .Ecumenical: Learning to get along with the opposite sects .Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. .On a diet? Go to the paint store. You can get thinner there .A driver of one of those beat up cars was a female lawyer who had agreed to represent her chiropractor to whom she had kinda taken a shine, especially after she really started to dig into his suit. She was on her way to court, to defend her bender. .Southpaw: A man who raises his children below the Mason-Dixon line .The top ballad in the musical version of Frankenstein is sung by the doctor as he prepares to create his monster. It is entitled "I'll be Sewing You". .What did one mosquito say to the other after feasting on Robinson Caruso? See you on Friday .On this day in 1920, the first corn auction was conducted, producing the first auction ears in the bidness ."May I try on that dress in the window?" the gorgeous young woman asks the manager of the designer boutique. "Go ahead," the manager replies, "Maybe it'll attract some business." .Biology: The study of shopping .Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. .Our local humane society had an overabundance of cats, and to deal with the surplus they posted a notice: "Laptops Available. Mouse not included." ."I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside himself ************ A butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them.... ......Moosellaneous. ----------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between "pick" and "choose?" A: "Pick" is a selection, "choose" are just Mexican sneakers. ----------------------------------- An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them. "This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down." "I'm game for this!" says the Irishman, and he slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins. The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry. The Welshman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide, shouts "WEEEEEEE!" ----------------------------------- Lars Johannsen was taking an oral examination, applying for his US citizenship papers. He was asked to spell "cultivate". He spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence. He looked up, smiled up and said, " Last vinter on a very cold day I vas vaiting for a bus. But it vas too cultivate, so I took de subway home." ----------------------------------- ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A COW 1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d. 2. Don't cry over spilled milk. 3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste! 4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence. 5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on. 6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth! 7. It's better to be seen and not herd. 8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives. 9. Never take any bull from anybody. 10. Always let them know who's the bossy. 11. Stepping on cow pies brings good luck. 12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement. 13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day. ******** **Minutes at the table don¹t put on weight, it¹s the seconds. **How would you describe the results of a parachute failing to open during a sky diving competition? Jumping to a Conclusion **A guy who speculatively purchases real estate near a proposed lake should be known as a Dam site bettor. **Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?" **When the novice went deep sea diving, he discovered he was in over his head. **What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. **Executives in bronzeware companies are called the Top Brass. **I've written a lot under my pen name, Ballpoint. **The art of courting hasn't changed in more than two thousand years. Then, too, young maidens used to sit and listen to a lyre all night. **They had to fire the Massusse at our country club. She was rubbing people the wrong way. **Kings worry about a receding heir line. **Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people **Picador: A contestant¹s task on a popular TV quiz show. **What is the difference between a comedian and a numismatist? One is a funny man, and the other a money fan. **Old pirates retire and grow corn for a buck an ear. **"I like listening to records at night," said Tom disconsolately. **When the furnace failed, the janitor took the heat. **My husband and I divorced over religious differences He thought he was God. **Senator John Mccain proposed the US Mint acquire the Faultless Starch Co. and get rid of all that soft money. **Did you see that "Hustler Magazine" is packaging a month's supply of Ex-Lax with each issue. That way you can come and go at the same time. **Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it. **She has such a nice sense of rumor. **Italics: The language spoken by ancient Italians. **My daughter and I were listening to Simon and Garfuncle when she asked me, Well, did he? Did he what? Did Parsley save Rosemary in time? **The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. **Did you know that camping is illegal? Its loitering within tent **Winsome: An average basketball team **"I will NOT splurge on a circuit-breaker," Tom refused. **What might you find on an aircraft's instrument panel that would make you think of an android prostitute getting out of bed in the morning? Artificial Horizon **Yucatan: A nauseating shade of light brown **Old math profs never die, they just use strange expressions. **They gave William IV a lovely funeral. It took six men to carry the beer. **The two greatest highway menaces are drivers under twenty-five going over sixty-five, and drivers over sixty-five going under twenty-five. **If we had gone back to the polls in Palm Beach, it would have been a revoting situation **Selfish : What the owner of a seafood store does. **You shouldn't be a golfer unless you own proper tees. **What is the difference between a girl and a stamp? One is a female and the other is a mail fee. **Thorax: Norse God's weapon **Chaste makes waste. **Rene Descartes had a older brother, Horace, a philosopher of sorts. His philosophy, non cogito (I don¹t think so) was less known, but being the elder of the Descartes brothers, he became famous as The Horace before Descartes. **Yellow: Scream softly **What does a buffalo say when her male offspring leaves? Bison **I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately! **A lumberjack who couldn't hack it was given the axe. **The trouble with the bulk of women is where it shows. **The Friends Church burned down, so the rabbi suggested they use the temple for their services. The two congregations got acquainted with each other. Two Jews joined the Friends Church. The rabbi said, 'Some of my best Jews are Friends.' **"I refuse the offer," the union leader said strikingly. **He drove the ball into the rough, flushing out a quail. His partner responded, 'That's the first time I've ever seen a partridge on a par three.' **It was so quiet in the bowling alley that you could hear a pin drop. **Show me a young lad's bed and I'll show you a boy cot. **Baloney- Where some hemlines fall. **What did the boss tell the secretary who complained about having to make coffee for the office staff? "That's one of the perks of your job **Did you hear about the man who worked in a gum factory and fell in a vat of bubblegum? His boss had to chew him out. **When they joined the picnic race, the candidates became running mates. **After small female fish pass through their reproductive cycle, they enter minnowpause. **"My sister ate some chicken yesterday." "Croquette?" "No, but she's very sick." **Did you hear about the Bowling pin manufacturer hit by strikes? **The generous Labrador who always gave away his bones, said, "It is better to give than to retrieve." **Nuns, please don¹t kick the habit. **Court of law: A place where a suit is pressed and a man maybe taken to the cleaners. **The most recent survey on women showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15 percent preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something in-between. **** One day a frog hopped into a bank to try to get a loan. He asked to see a loan officer and was told to see Patty Black. She gave him the appropriate papers, and when the frog was finished filling them out she looked them over. "Mr. Frog, everything seems to be in order, except that you have not listed any collateral. Do you own a house?" "No," he croaked. "What about a car?" she asked. "No," he replied again. "Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Frog, but you must have something of value to put up as collateral in order for me to give you this loan." The frog thanked her and promised that he would return with something to use as collateral. The next day the frog hopped back to the bank, carrying an odd-looking figurine of some sort and showed it to the loan officer. "I would like to use this as collateral for my loan," he croaked. She looked it over and replied, "I'm not convinced that this is valuable enough for a loan of this amount." "But this is an antique!" the frog protested. "It has been in my family for generations!" The loan officer, sensing the frog's sincerity but knowing very little about antiques, took the item to her the head of the loan department. "Sir," she said, "there is a frog out here who wants a loan and the only thing he has to offer for collateral is this . . . THING, and I don't even know what it is. He claims that it's a valuable antique. What do you think?" The man looked it over carefully, then replied, "Why, it's a knickknack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan!" **************** Fish & Chips Lost on a rainy night, a traveler stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner, and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers who were the Monks in the monastery. "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be ...?" "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk." ************* Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip," said the second bee and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp." ********** There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!" ***************** 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world. 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. ************** A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!" ************ Scientists in China have recently performed the first successful cloning of a human being. Unfortunately, the DNA donor for the cloning had Turrets Syndrome. As a result, the clone exhibited the same characteristic swearing tendencies as the donor. The lead scientist for the project recently admitted taking the clone to the roof of the science facility and pushing him to his death. This, due to the incessant profanity which the new clone used. The scientist has been charged with making an obscene clone fall. ****************** Mahatma Ghandi, what an amazing man he was. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became thick and hard. He was a very spiritual person. Famous hunger strikes aside, he always ate frugally, and thus became quite thin and frail. It is not so widely known that his spartan diet did damage to his teeth resulting in almost constant bad breath. Little wonder that amongst his close associates he came to be known as a: Super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis **************************** ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they're born and after they're dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. ***************** Dormitory When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room Evangelist When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent Desperation When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It The Morse Code When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots Slot Machines When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in 'em Animosity When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity Mother-in-law When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's A Decimal Point When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake Eleven plus two When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS ************ My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. ********** George Carlin Quotes: 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-helpsection?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? 8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? 10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 11. Is there another word for synonym? 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping? 24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 26. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. 29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 30. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. 35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 40. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? ************************** On a maternity room door: PUSH, PUSH, PUSH! On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts On the door of a computer shop: Out For a Quick Byte On the door of a music library: Bach in a Minuet ********** A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back. Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!" *************** A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW 328i back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward saving him from sinking. A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again. This time the chicken fell in the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole." So he stretched over the width of the hole and said "grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW 328i to pick up chicks. ********** Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite-year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling Half of a large intestine: 1 semi-colon One million aches: 1 megahurtz Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond A half-bath: 1 demijohn 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 2200 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfish 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 1 million billion picolos: 1 gigolo 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 10 millipedes: 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent 10 monologs: 5 dialogs 5 dialogs: 1 decalog 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 2 wharves: 1 paradox ************* There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing............ Get ready, it's good................ "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone" ************************* A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a . . . bottomless pit! I have a dog that talks in its sleep but one day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!" When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied,... "Don't worry about it. . . . just let sleeping dogs lie." In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became . . . the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog! One time my father accompanied me when I took my dog out for his evening constitutional. My dog is rather finicky about where he "does it." I wondered aloud about the criterion he uses to select a spot. My father replied, ... "it's a process of elimination!" A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him "WE don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana". The bear, very angry now, says "if you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender, once again says " sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana that are on drugs." The bear says "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says "yes, you are. That was a barbitchyouate. ********************************* Subject: A Story Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed). A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie. " Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife o the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared, [You're going to hate me for this]: "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY." ************************************************ A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins; if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." ************************************** FROM WEST VIRGINIA GETS MARRIED: Many many years ago When I was twenty three, I got married to a widow Who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa **************** An Eye Catcher ================ A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air. "Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed. The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replied.... You just happened to catch my eye!" ************** ALL PUNS INTENDED I remember the case not too long ago of the scientist that cloned himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for....... Making an obscene clone fall. ************************************************************ Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. ************************************************************* An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble and should probably work for the government! Dormitory Dirty Room Evangelist Evil's Agent Desperation A Rope Ends It The Morse Code Here Come Dots Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em Animosity Is No Amity Mother-in-law Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness Genuine Class Semolina Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes That Queer Shake Eleven plus two Twelve plus one Contradiction Accord not in it Princess Diana Ascend in Paris This one's truly amazing "To be or not to be that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." And the Anagram "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten." "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." *Neil Armstrong The Anagram "Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!" Finally... The following phrase PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS Coincidence? You be the judge. ************************ MARKET REPORT Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. _______________________________________________________ 3 new bonds are being issued: * Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity * Gore bond: Has no interest * Clinton bond: Has no principle. ********************* A lady runs into the vet's office carrying her poodle, screaming for help. The vet rushes her back to an examination room and has her put her poodle down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, quietly tells the lady her dog, regrettably, is dead. The woman, on the verge of hysteria and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet leaves the examination room and momentarily returns with a cat. He places the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the woman and says, "I'm sorry, mam, but the cat agrees with my diagnosis. He thinks that your dog is dead, too." Still unwilling to accept that her dog is dead, the lady demands one more opinion. So the vet brings in a black lab, and like the cat, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the lady and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The woman, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much she owes. The vet answers, "$495." "$495 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the woman. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $445 was for the cat scan and lab test." *************************************************** Business News -- Mergers: The following mergers have been announced. In most cases, new companies have been created, and the new names are listed. Xerox and Wurlitzer. Company will produce reproductive organs Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers -- to be called "Fairwell Honeychild" Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler -- to be called "Poly-Warner-Cracker" Grace Steamship Lines, Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems -- to be called "Hale Mary Fuller Grace" 3M and Goodyear -- to be called "mmmGood" John Deere and Abitibi-Price -- to be called "Deere Abi" Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil -- to be called "Honey, Im Home" Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining -- to be called "Mine All Mine" 3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company -- to be called "3 Penney Opera" Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants -- to be called "Poupon Pants" Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women -- to be called "Knott NOW" Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining -- to be called "Zip Audi Do Da" Netscape and Yahoo have announced a joint venture in Israel -- to be called "Net an Yahoo" A final note from Microsoft: REDMOND, WA (API) - - - - MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that the official release date for their new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901. ****************************** Antacid: Uncle Acid's wife. Antelope: How she married my Uncle. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage. Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the shoes that she wanted. Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy. Burglarize: What a crook sees with. Cantaloupe: When you are unable to run away to get married. Cartoonist: What you call your auto mechanic. Castanets: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girlfriend. Celtics: What a parasite salesman does. Concert: A breath mint for inmates. Consist: A growth on an inmate. Content: A fabric shelter for inmates. Control: A short, ugly inmate. Convent: How inmates get air conditioning. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Crestfallen: Dropped toothpaste. Cross-eyed Teacher: A teacher that looses control over his or her pupils. Decrease: De fold in de pants. Demote: What de king put around de castle. Despise: De persons who work for the CIA. Detention: What causes de stress. Dictator: Another name for Richard Spud. Dilate: When a person lives longer. Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle. Dreadlocks: the fear of opening the dead-bolt. ******************** "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, Dolefully. "That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said, offhandedly. "I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside himself. "That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom said, revolted. "I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related. "I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair. "That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said, straightforwardly. "I've been on a diet," Tom expounded. "I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully. "I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully. "Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with condescension. "I remember the midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained. "That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom remarked. "I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed, remotely. "I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled. "I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate. "That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred. 1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all, that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. . A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. . This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, I'll have the eggs Benedict. His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, What's with the hubcap? The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!" . A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." . Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure? "The atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!" . Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. . . A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp. ********************************* More PUNS! 1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all, that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. 5. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." 6. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure? "The atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!" 7. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 9. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." 10. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp. ************************************** A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!" ************************** RULES FOR BETTER WRITING.......NOT! 1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat) 6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. 11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. One should NEVER generalize. 15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés. 16. Don't use no double negatives. 17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23. Kill all exclamation points!!! 24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas. 26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. **************************** 10 Words that Don't Exist But That Should: 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. ****************************** The Colorado Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage-about 20 minutes-during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded." ********** A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild. There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker. There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv. Others in the works: 3M & Goodyear = mmmGood John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine 3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera Grey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants Knott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOW Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da ***************************** 15 WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST 1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed when a spider drops onto your lap. 2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. 3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. 6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. 8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. 9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (n.), which has made a meal of many species. 10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex. 11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell. 12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world. 13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit. 15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep. *********************************** The chief of a poor Native American tribe, where there were no paved roads, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing, scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading to it. It was constructed and was an immediate success. This chief's son will go down in history as the first Indian ... to wire a head for a reservation. ************************************************** An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding! Dormitory == Dirty Room Desperation == A Rope Ends It The Morse Code == Here Come Dots Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em Animosity == Is No Amity Mother-in-law == Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness == Genuine Class Semolina == Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one Contradiction == Accord not in it This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. = In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. Politicians: George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog George Bush = He bugs Gore Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo warlord) Ronald Reagan = A darn long era Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty And the grand finale: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong = A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars! ***************************** ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A COW 1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d. 2. Don't cry over spilled milk. 3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste! 4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence. 5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on. 6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth! 7. It's better to be seen and not herd. 8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives. 9. Never take any bull from anybody. 10. Always let them know who's the bossy. 11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck. 12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement. 13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day. -=+=- A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. ... It was in one ear and out the udder. ************************************************************************* Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday. A severe yeast infection is blamed for shortening his life. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes, and loafing around. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife, a real tart. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral will be tomorrow, at 350 for about 20 minutes. ************************************************************** The Van Gogh Family Tree After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: His obnoxious brother...............................Please Gogh His dizzy aunt .....................................Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stoppin Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh His magician uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh His Italian uncle...................................Day Gogh His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach .................Wellsfar Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh ******************************************************************* Top 47 OXYMORONS: 47. Act naturally 46. Found missing 45. Resident alien 44. Advanced BASIC 43. Genuine imitation 42. Airline Food 41. Good grief 40. Same difference 39. Almost exactly 38. Government organization 37. Sanitary landfill 36. Alone together 35. Legally drunk 34. Silent scream 33. American history 32. Living dead 31. Small crowd 30. Business ethics 29. Soft rock 28. Butt Head 27. Military Intelligence 26. Software documentation 25. New York culture 24. New classic 23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof 21. "Now, then ..." 20. Synthetic natural gas 19. Passive aggression 18. Taped live 17. Clearly misunderstood 16. Peace force 15. Extinct Life 14. Temporary tax increase 13. Computer jock 12. Plastic glasses 11. Terribly pleased 10. Computer security 09. Political science 08. Tight slacks 07. Definite maybe 06. Pretty ugly 05. Twelve-ounce pound cake 04. Diet ice cream 03. Working vacation 02. Exact estimate And the Number one top OXY-Moron 01. Microsoft Works ******************************************************************** AND THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES WERE... Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors ****************************************************************************** Interesting Signs: Sign in a Realtor's office: "Lots for little." Sign in a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit." Sign in a maternity clothes store: "We are open on labor day." Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push." Sign in a bookstore: "We treat you write." Sign in an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels." Sign on an electrician's truck: "Let Us Remove Your Shorts." Sign in a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs." Sign on used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition." Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." Sign at a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." ********************************************************************* Chinese Translations Dung On Mai Shu-----------I stepped in excrement Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu---------Let's sleep together Ai Bang Mai Ne------------I bumped into the coffee table Fat Ho--------------------An unattractive woman Ar U Wun Tu---------------A gay liberation greeting Chin Tu Fat---------------You need a face-lift Chow Mai Dong-------------Romantic proposition Dum Gai-------------------A stupid person Wel Hung Gai--------------Is that a banana in your pocket? Won Hung Low--------------Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai Gun Pao Der---------------An ancient Chinese invention Hu Flung Dung-------------Which one of you fertilized the field? Hu Yu Hai Ding------------We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive Jan Ne Ka Sun-------------A former late night talk show host Kum Hia-----------------------Approach me Lao Ze Sho----------------Gilligan's Island Lao Zi--------------------Not very good Lin Ching-----------------An illegal execution Moon Lan Ding-------------A great achievement of the American space program Ne Ahn--------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs Shai Gai------------------A bashful person Tai Ne Bae Be-------------A premature infant Tai Ne Po Ne--------------A small horse Ten Ding Ba---------------Serving drinks to people Wan Bum Lung--------------A person with T.B. Yu Mai Te Tan-------------Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you Wa Shing Kah--------------Cleaning an automobile Wai So Dim----------------Are you trying to save electricity? Wai U Shao Ting-----------There is no reason to raise your voice ****************************************************************************************************** WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A DONKEY AND AN ONION? A piece of ass that'll bring tears to your eyes. WHAT DO A WALRUS AND TUPPERWARE HAVE IN COMMON? They're both looking for a tight seal. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A STRAIGHT RODEO AND A GAY RODEO? At a straight rodeo, the cowboys yell, "Ride that sucker"! WHY IS A FAT WOMAN LIKE A MOPED? They're both fun to ride but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one. WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A LESBIAN? Just another woman trying to do a man's job. ******************************************************************************** A man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime and getting in and out past security he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." *************************************************************************** It's PUNDAY A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said". Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?". "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!" The man quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"! A lawyer, who was quite wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him, and the friend, eager to get something free from a lawyer, agreed. Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun , took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Why did you do that?" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male? ****************** A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." -=- A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." -=- An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides." ********************************************************************************** A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?" The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head." ******************************************************************************************* Subject: stupid questions...or NOT?!?! If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent? Why is the word abbreviation so long? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? What was the best thing before sliced bread? How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins? How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot... and something cold, cold? What is the speed of dark? Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's? If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras? How come you never hear about gruntled employees? What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? What's another word for synonym? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? when sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? How can there be self-help groups? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo? Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Were are Preparations A through G? Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like? When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? What happened to the first 6 "ups"? If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? Why does your nose run, and your feet smell? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? **************************************************************************** ***Political Correct Terms*** Mankind, Human: Earth Children Woman: Womyn Girl: Pre-Womyn Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual. Psychopath: Socially misaligned Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional. Serial-Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs. Insane People: Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers Bisexual: Sexually Non-preferential Lazy: Motivationally deficient. Self-centred: Egoistically accelerated Narrow-minded : Perceptually challenged Fat: Horizontally challenged, alternative body image Obese: Gravitationally Challenged Fail: Acheive a deficiency. Dishonest: Ethically disoriented. Bald: Follicularly challenged, follically disadvantaged, Comb-Free Blind: visually challenged, Photonically Non-receptive, Optically Darker Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated. Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance. Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled. Worst: Least best. Wrong: Differently logical. Ugly: Cosmetically different, aesthetically challenged Short: Vertically challanged, differently statured Old Person / Elderly: 4th-Dimentionally Extended, Gerontologically Advanced Dead People: Dysfunctional Earth Children,Biologically Challenged, Living impaired, metabolically different, Metaphysically Challenged Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual. Spendthrift: Negative saver. Gang : Youth Group Drug addict : Chemically challenged Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced. Net addict : Cybernetically challenged Drunk/Trashed: Spatially Perplexed Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed. Ignorant: Knowledge-based nonpossessor. Trees: Oxygen Exchange Units Tree-Hugger: Environmental Activist Logger: Wood Weasel, Paper Pirate, Treeslayer Paper bag: processed tree carcass Hamburger: Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh Cheeseburger: Adding Insult to Injury Meter Maid: Parking Enforcement Aduciator Post Man: Post Person Mail Man: Person Person Housewife: Domestic Engineer Dish washer: utensil sanitizer Janitor: sanitation engineer Poor: Economically Unprepared Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding. Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured. Bum: Displaced homeowner, Philosophy Major ********************************************************************** Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sappling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." ****************************************************************************************** Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!" A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw." Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim." When she told me I was average she was just being mean. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!" Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she went took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said don't worry, "Someday your prints will come. Q: What do you get if you cross Lee Iacocca with Dracula? A.: AUTO EXEC . BAT A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here." The string goes outside, ties himself up, roughs up his head and goes back in the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you the same string who was just in here??" The string answers "No, I'm a frayed knot" A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bar tender says, "Hey, we got a drink named after you. The grasshoper says "You got a drink named Bob?" In the city of Moscow, there lived a communist named Rudolph. One day the weather suddently turned terrible. "Goodness", exclaimed his wife, "snow." "No," said Rudolph,"it's rain!" "I still say it's snow," yelled the wife. "Look,", he insisted,"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." There are new plans in the works to build a self-sustaining space colony. At first the people would be sent to the station, followed by vegetation and animal life. The first animal to be sent up will be the cow since it can provide milk for the babies born on the colony. The plans are to have an entire shipment solely of cattle--it will be the first herd shot around the world. He was an inventor of note. He created a big shoe with a phone in the heel. Now, he thought, he could use a phone whenever he wanted. He made several more so that he could have several shoes with phones in the house. One day, an emergency came up and he needed a phone bad. Would you believe it, he couldn't find a single phone boot. There's this group of nudnick professors who like to go around discounting established theories. "The earth is flat!" says one. "Elvis is not dead!" says another. When the president of their university was asked why he kept renewing their tenure, he replied "They may cost a lot, but I just love academia nuts" *************************************************************************************************** WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST 1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. 2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. 3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear). 4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals. 5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected. 6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?" 8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs. 9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror. 10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit. 11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. 13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side. 15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life. 16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet. 18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. ************************************************************************************ I'm reminded of the old story of Noah. After the waters receded, he commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply." The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes who stayed behind. When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders." Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom. The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. They knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.. ************************************************************************************ 'Ears some puns from the newspaper world A selection of headlines on Sunday and Monday from the Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield fight and its aftermath: ''A Bad Bite for Boxing'' - The News & Observer of Raleigh. ''Twice Bitten'' - Times-Picayune of New Orleans. ''Bite of the Century!'' - Arizona Republic. ''Bite Night'' - Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader. ''Tyson's Tasteless Tactics: Bite Night'' - The Record of Hackensack, N.J. ''Reality Bites'' - Times Union of Albany, N.Y. ''Did Tyson Bite Off More Than He Can Chew? Time Will Tell'' - Salt Lake Tribune. ''Tyson Subject of Biting Criticism'' - The (Baltimore) Sun. ''Biting Commentary'' - The Boston Herald. ''Tyson Bites the Dust, Holyfield'' - Huntsville (Ala.) Times. ''Holyfield May Take a Bite Out of Tyson'' - The Indianapolis Star. ''Holyfield Can't Stay Unbitten as Heavyweight'' - Sun-Sentinel, Fort Lauderdale, Fla. ''Earmarks of cowardice'' - Houston Chronicle. ''Earmark of an eerie night'' - The Atlanta Journal and the Atlanta Constitution. ''A two-bit bout: Holyfield wins'' - Kansas City Star. ''From Champ to Chomp'' - The Herald-Sun of Durham, N.C. ''The Champ and the Chomp'' - The Jersey Journal. ''Holyfield Still Chomp-ion'' - San Francisco Examiner. ''Heavyweight Chomp'' - Philadelphia Inquirer. ''Undisputed Chomp'' - USA TODAY. ''World Chomp'' - The Sun (London). ''Requiem for a Chompion'' - Philadelphia Daily News. ''Sucker Munch'' - The Sun (London). ''Biting Back: Evander has public's ear'' - Daily News, New York. ''Toss Tyson Out on Ear'' - Daily News, New York. ''Ear Flap'' - Newsday. ''Ears Have It! Evander Wins'' - Montgomery (Ala.) Advertiser. ''Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow'' - Providence Journal-Bulletin. ''Dracula'' - New York Post. ''Champ Chewing Over Legal Options'' - New York Post. ''It's Tyson's Nature to (Ch)eat'' - New York Post. ''For Tyson, Tooth Hurts'' - New York Post. ''Now Ear This: Rematch is Possible'' - New York Post. ''Lobe Blow for Boxing'' - The Tennessean. ''Iron Mike Goes Down Biting'' - The Sunday Oklahoman. ''Tyson Doesn't Gnaw What's Next'' - The Daily Oklahoman. ''Ear of Scorn'' - Kansas City Star. ''Pay Per Chew'' - Philadelphia Daily News. ''Holyfield Lends Ear as Tyson Self-Destructs'' - Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. ''Ear-Responsible'' - Fort Worth Star-Telegram. ''Tyson Scars Face of Boxing'' - The Guardian (London). By The Associated Press ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Top 15 New Problems for Mike Tyson 15 Fight controversy may adversely affect pro wrestling career. 14 Upcoming TV special with Martha Stewart in doubt. 13 That constant ringing in his mouth. 12 Spock vs. Tyson bout hastily cancelled. 11 Can't decide between the Crest & Tom's of Maine endorsement deals. 10 Kids really start to freak out whenever he tries to play "Got Your Nose." 9 New nickname of "Nipsy" less intimidating than "Iron Mike." 8 Has absolutely no idea how to handle his next opponent, Vinny "No Ears" Bottatucci. 7 Nobel people called -- they want their peace prize back. 6 Saturday: Bite some guy's ear off. Sunday: Ozzy Osbourne won't stop pestering you to go for a drink. 5 Willing opponents now down to Vincent Van Gogh and J.Paul Getty, Jr. 4 Don King,