A POSTMAN RETIRES - Thanks Jay
> > >>
> > >> It was George's last day on the job as a
postman after 35 years of
> > >> delivering
> > >> the mail through all kinds of weather to the
same neighborhood.
> > >>
> > >> When he arrived at the first house on his
route George was greeted by
> >the
> > >> whole family there, who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and
sent
> >him
> > >> on
> > >> his way with a tidy gift envelope with a
hundred dollar bill.
> > >>
> > >> At the second house the owners presented him
with a box of fine Cuban
> > >> cigars.
> > >>
> > >> The folks at the third house, knowing he was
an avid fisherman,
handed
> >him
> > >a
> > >> selection of terrific fishing lures.
> > >>
> > >> At the fourth house George was met at the door
by a strikingly
> >beautiful
> > >> woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by
the hand, beckoning
him
> >in,
> > >> closing the door behind them, leading him up
the stairs to the
bedroom
> > >where
> > >> she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever
> >experienced.
> > >>
> > >> When he had enough, they went downstairs,
where she then fixed him a
> >giant
> > >> breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and
> > >> fresh-squeezed orange juice. When
> > >> he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of
steaming coffee.
> > >>
> > >> As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill
sticking out from under
> >the
> > >> cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too
wonderful for words," he
> >said,
> > >> "but
> > >> what's the dollar
> > >> for?"
> > >>
> > >> "Well," she said, "last night,
I told my husband that today would be
> >your
> > >> last day, and that we should do something
special for you. I asked
him
> > >what
> > >> to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a
dollar.' -- The
breakfast
> > >was
> > >> my idea."
Having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse. . . .
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after
the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At
a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved
animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full
view, a killer whale ate them both.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her
spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him
constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of
needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe
leaving her mentally retarded.
3. A woman came home to find her husband in the
kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a
wire running from his waist towards the electric
kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by
the back door, breaking his arm in two
places. Until that moment he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.
4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in
Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two
thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence
and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters
to death.
And finally. . . . . . .
5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay
enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with
"return to sender" stampedon it. Forgetting it
was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Your day's not so bad, is it?
--Thanks Bill C
--------
> >
> > The GOP National Committee announced today that it is
changing the
> > Republican emblem from an elephant to a condom because
it more clearly
> > reflects the party's political stance. A condom stands
up to inflation,
> > halts production, destroys the next generation, and
gives one a sense of
> > security while screwing others.
> >
> > And, furthermore, it was reported today that at a White
House staff
> > meeting last week there was a heated discussion about
the health of Vice
> > President Cheney and his angina problem. President Bush
interrupted and
> > stated emphatically that "Men do not have
anginas." The President was
> > especially perplexed when a staffer said that Cheney
has "acute angina."
--Thanks Bill C
> He'd been playing golf for years, and he had the
finest
> equipment, but his technique never improved a bit. As his
> friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly
> drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second
> hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third,
> he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.
>
> "Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend asked.
>
> "I've never had an old ball," he said.
--Thanks Bill C
-------
Little boy in cowboy togs sits down and orders banana split.
Waitress asks, "Do you want crushed nuts?" Boy pulls
out his two six-shooters, points them at waitress, sez: "Do
you want your tits shot off?"
-------------
> GREAT THINKERS - Thanks Bill C
>
> 1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
> Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should
not live
> forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then
> we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is
> why I would not live forever."
> ---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
>
> 2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving
kids
> all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to
> be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death
> and stuff,"
> ---Mariah Carey
>
> 3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces
some
> of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The resear-
> chers also discovered other similarities between the two,
but
> can't remember what they are."
> ---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
>
> 4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to
com-
> ply with law."
> ---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations
> that he failed to pay his taxes.
>
> 5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
im-
> portant part of your life."
> ---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
spokesperson
> for a federal anti smoking campaign.
>
> 6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of
> my body."
> ---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
>
> 7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
low-
> est crime rates in the country."
> ---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
>
> 8. "We're going to turn this team around 360
degrees."
> ---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
>
> 9. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our
> papers. We are the president."
> ---Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
> documents.
>
> 10. "China is a big country with a lot of chinese
people
> living there.
> ---Former French President Charles De Gaulle
>
> 11. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to
death
> by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
> ---A Congressional Candidate in Texas
>
> 12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's
> the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
> ---Former U. S. Vice-president Dan Quayle
>
> 13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly
confused in
> the public mind."
> ---General William Westmoreland
>
> And last but not least -- a parting word from Dan Quayle:
>
> 14. "I love California. I practically grew up in
Phoenix."
Two psychologists come across the victim of a
stabbing. Says one
psychologist to the other,
"Come on, we must find out who did this - they need
help". -Thanks Andrew
A bum asked a man on the street for $2. "Will you buy booze?" the man asks. The bum replies, "No." "Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No." "Will you make bets at the golf course?" The bum replies "No, I don't play golf" Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble, or play golf?" --Thanks Doug
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