John,
      Some of these are old, but there may be some fresh material here.
Gary

(1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to
find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Steven Seagal

(2) "The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop
them off at the wrong house."
* Jeff Foxworthy

(3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain
and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams

(4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."
* Dave Barry

(5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went
down on them?"
* Marilyn Pittman

(6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time
job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend
or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you
a temp."
* Bob Ettinger

(7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her to a lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they
weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
* Paula Poundstone

(8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men. I just want to
say to the authors of that study: uh."
* Conan O'Brien

(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,
Oh my goodness... I could be eating a slow learner."
* Lynda Montgomery

(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the
day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
* Roseanne

(11) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A
bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying
the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'"
* Richard Jeni

(12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all
the impersonators would be dead."
* Johnny Carson

(13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching
us geography."
* Paul Rodriguez

(14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
they turned sixty, and that's the law."
* Jerry Seinfeld

(15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
* Warren Hutcherson

(16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
* Oscar Wilde

(17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not
ready for an institution yet."
* Mae West

(18) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose
you were a member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself."
* Mark Twain

(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
* A. Whitney Brown

(20) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word
meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet,"
* Robin Williams

(21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome,
but I think of it as the only time of the month
that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

(22) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and
the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!'"
* Dave Barry

(23) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them
beaten."
* George Carlin

(24) "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother
who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like
all the passengers in her car."
* Author Unknown

(25) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of
tension and you get a headache, do what it says on
the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

(26) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY,
and they meet at the bar."
* Drew Carey