Jokes from Larry Blue

Edited by the Birdman

BEST1001.ASC October 29, 1990 -------------------------------------------------------------------- this file courtesy of Larry Blue WARNING, THIS FILE IS FOR ADULTS 18 OR OLDER!! ....It is nowhere NEAR politically correct.... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you do if you drop your keys in San Francisco? Kick them to San Jose. Then pick them up.......... -------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender serves the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke the other day. Do you want to hear it?" The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn you that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar? They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?" The guy replied, "Hell no! I don't want to explain it five times..." -------------------------------------------------------------------- This bear was sitting on a log in the woods, taking a shit. Along came a rabbit. The rabbit asked, "Do you mind if I join you?" The bear replied "Suit yourself." So there they both sat, taking a shit. After they were finished, the bear asked the rabbit, "Do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit said, "No". The bear says, "Good!" Then he grabs the rabbit and with a long sweeping motion wipes his ass.......... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of the perfect wife? A mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of the perfect husband? A guy with a seven inch tongue that can breath through his ears..... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What is white and this long, (hands held about nine inches apart). NOTHING....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Best Seller List: ----------------- Under the Grandstand by Seymore Butz Defensive Driving by Rex Carr & Helen Wheels Mathematics Made Easy by Lois Denominator Pumping Gas by Phil R. Upp Run to the Outhouse by Willie Makit & Betty Dont Chinese Population Explosion by Wee-fuken Yung Satisfied! by Massaj Mahrod ------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get if you mix an Aggie and a Mexican? A guy that spray paints his name on a chain link fence....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- This big time salesman went to several conferences a year. Every time he would take a $1000.00 bill with him. One day his wife came home and announced that she was going to the National Housewives Convention and she would need a thousand dollars. The salesman asked her, "Why?" She said, "You take a thousand dollars with you every time you go to a convention." He said, " Yea, but, you don't drink. You don't gamble, and you have your own pussy. What do you need a thousand dollars for?" ------------------------------------------------------------------ Why did Santa Ana only have 2,000 Mexicans at the Alamo? They only had two station wagons.... They had a pickup truck, but it wouldn't start.......... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why can't they find a cure for A.I.D.S.? They can't get two rats to butt fuck....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What does "N" stand for at the University of Nebraska? Nowledge -------------------------------------------------------------------- These two Aggies were standing on a corner next to an old stray dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls. One Aggie looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that." The other Aggie leaned around and said, "Go ahead, he looks friendly..." -------------------------------------------------------------------- What do Billy Graham and the Dallas Cowboys have in common? They both can fill up Texas Stadium, and in fifteen minutes, they both can have the crowd yelling Jesus Christ!! -------------------------------------------------------------------- What do Arkansas women put behind their ears to attract guys? Their ankles. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Pollack that thought his wife was trying to kill him? He found a bottle of polish remover in the medicine cabinet..... -------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you keep little black kids from jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his ball up and hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred yards down the fairway. Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it. At first it looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden, it hooked and started for the woods. Just before it went into the woods, a bird flew out and grabbed the ball and flew over the water trap and let it go. Just before it went into the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball landed on it's back as he swam to the shore. Just as the turtle got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the ball in the cup. St. Peter turned to God and said, "Are we gonna play golf, or are you gonna fuck around!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did God's chosen children wander in the desert for forty years? One of them dropped a quarter............ -------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------- These two ladies were walking down the street when they came across this frog. The frog said, "Kiss me and I will turn into a handsome Texas oil man." One lady reached down, grabbed the frog and put it in her purse. The other looked at her and said, "Aren't you going to kiss that frog?" She replied, "Hell no! A talking frog is worth a lot more money than a Texas oil man......" -------------------------------------------------------------------- What is a Jewish American Princess's favorite wine? I wanna go to Miami..... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic swimming team? They're all over here....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy was walking through the desert when he found a magic lamp. He picked the lamp up and rubbed the side of it. Sure enough, a genie popped out. The genie said, "Thank you for getting me/out of that lamp. In return, I will grant you one wish." So the guy thought about it and said, "I want a foreign car dealership in a major metropolitan city." Pooof, he had a Chrysler dealership in Tokyo... -------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a Catholic Priest, Methodist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting around discussing how they divide the take from each Sabbath. The Priest said, "What I do is I draw a line down the center of the room and then throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands on the left is God's, whatever lands on the right is mine." The Preacher said, "Well I do almost the same thing only I draw a circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is mine and the rest belongs to God." The Rabbi says, "No, you both are doing it wrong. I take the money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, God, Take what you want!. Whatever comes back down is mine......" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why won't a rattlesnake bite a lawyer? Professional courtesy....... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------- Jack and Jill were working for this company. The company had run into some bad times and the guy that owned the company was going to have to lay either Jack or Jill off. He really couldn't decide which one to lay off because they were both really good workers. One day, he decided which ever one of them came back from lunch first, he was going to lay off. Sure enough, here came Jill up the front stairs. As she entered the front door, he walked up to her and said, "Listen Jill, I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to either lay you or Jack off." Jill replied, "Well you're going to have to jack off cause I got a headache........" -------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------- How did Donna Rice vote in the '88 election? Undecided. She couldn't decide whether to give her heart to Bush, or give her bush to Hart....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What did Gary Hart say to Donna Rice the day after the election? "I said LICK THE ERECTION, not WRECK THE ELECTION !!" --------What's the difference between a stock market investor and a Pigeon? The Pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes. -------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Pigmy Geniuses & Women Joggers? The Pigmies are a cunning bunch of runts.... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between straight rodeo riders & gay Rodeo riders? The fans of the straight rider yell "ride that sucker!"... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between an angry rooster & a lawyer? The rooster clucks with defiance... -------------------------------------------------------------------- 5000 years ago, Moses said: Pick up your shovel, mount your ass, and I'll lead you to the promised land. 5000 years later, Roosevelt said: Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, and light up a camel, for this is the promised land. Today, Reagan will tax your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass, and tell you there is no promised land. (Sorry about that, you right-wing muthafuckas.) --------------------------------------------------------------------