Lawyer Joke o' the Month
Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney."
First lawyer: “Unmitigated liar!”
Second lawyer: “Lowdown cheat!”
Judge: “Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed.”
A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident.
In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
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Murphy, a lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder that had been brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied. "The other eleven wanted to acquit."
“A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs.”
-- Anonymous
The law is an ass. Fuck the law. --JBR Yant
After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night’s shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.
Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.
Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn’t long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.
The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.
Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.
At a New England society dinner some years ago, Mark Twain had just finished a piquant address when Mr. Evarts arose, shoved both of his hands down into his trousers’ pockets, as was his habit and laughingly remarked: “Doesn’t it strike this company as a little unusual that a professional humorist should be funny?” Mark Twain waited until the laughter excited by this sally had subsided, and then drawled out: “Doesn’t it strike this company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?”
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Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It’s called Sosumi.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
A quote attributed to Founding Father John Adams in the play “1776”: “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress.”
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