SOMETHING TO
OFFEND EVERYONE
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan
on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it
alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The
position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's
worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US
leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends
over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big
deal unless you're not getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so
homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you get when
you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
100 people who
don't do dick.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING
UP!)
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What
do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the
difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the
difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the
fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp
knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand
criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have
boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new
dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men
chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs
chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
A brunette, a blonde,
and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The
blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have
sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a
porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did
the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's
mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer
Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson
cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the
dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and
Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses
it.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great
Stuff)
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your
Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different
bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the
Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the
difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a
description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a
recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the
F...word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell
*BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern
fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A
southern fairytale begins : "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why
is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good
rides