----- Original Message -----
UK's best
complaint letter of the year
Hey
Bud,
I can't understand these "namby
pamby, wishy washy, tish tosh etc. etc. British.
They should come and live in South Africa for awhile
and then we will see if they complain so
much.
- Best Complaint Letter
- Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint
letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of
the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer
complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear
Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During
this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I
had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and
seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the
working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your
office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in
my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further
57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even
more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my
t..ticles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both
familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place
some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number
of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my
cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my
modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for
it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%...
hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I
am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on
my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to
a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also
highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone
line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line
is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to
someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then
been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been
redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed);
that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the
irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this
theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at
least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of
those crucially important t..ticle-moments to attend to. Frankly I
don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were s.it, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be
more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there
isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces
of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom -
w..nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the
filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to
say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive
any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future
attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will
be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits,
selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my
utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I
sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they
were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma
and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings
towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be
the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and
infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of *****.
John
Phone
021 788 4108
Cell
078 258 4151
Fax
086 613 8234