Usually viruses are not a funny thing, but as Eric Idle sings in "Brian´s life": always look on the bright side of life... ;)

That´s what this section pretends with the viruses... try to find the funny side of them.

- Finally, someone was able to take a picture of the infamouse "ILOVEYOU" virus!!!

- I proudly present the first image virus...

- Preliminary Questionnaire for Determination of Effects of Virus Alerts on the Survival of the Organization:

1. Estimate how many e-mails you have received on "Join the Crew", Good Times, PenPal or a virus warning that is paraphrased from them:

1. a. More than one in a month. +12 points.
   

2. b. One a month or so.  +7 points.
   
3. c. One in a quarter. +5 points.
   
4. d. One a year or so 1 point.
   
5. e. None. (You may wish to skip quiz; probably you are in a good shape.) 0 points.

2. I think that one or more viruses in the following list: "Join the Crew", Good Times, PenPal, Deeyenda, Irina:

1. a. Are really dangerous and destructive. I know a person who was struck by the virus. I feel that it's my duty to warn all people ASAP. +12 points
   

2. b. I suspect that that may be dangerous and destructive but do not know for sure. I usually resent such e-mail to warn as many people as possible +10 points
   
3. c. I don't know. When I get a message, I pass it on to my LAN administrator and helpdesk. +5 points.
   
4. d. It isn't true and I delete such e-mails immediately 0 points.

3. When "Join the Crew", PenPal or a similar warning was first sent to the company distribution list:

1. a. They shutdown network and IS management assigns a group of specialists with  little or no relevant training to "research" the threat.  +10 points
   

2. b. They forgot to shutdown network but IS management still manage to assign one incompetent person to "research" the threat. Then nothing happens, anyway. +7 points
   
3. c. Management convenes the meeting of incompetent persons. Meeting recommends something irrelevant to the problem are sent to all employees.  After that nothing happens +7 points
   
4. d. Memo is sent to  install new NetWare-based antivirus software (for example Inoculan). In the confusion, or due to bugs in the antivirus NLM some servers fall down. This convinces everyone that the threat is real. +5 points
   
5. e. Nothing happens. The helpdesk staff is paralyzed by the volume of other calls and does not know whom to ask or where to look. +5 points
   
6. f. In each case E-mail is sent from the helpdesk to some knowledgeable person to determine if this is true or not (independently of whether the warning was distributed previously or not) +3 points
   
7. g. Nothing happens because everyone already knows about typical hoaxes and a lot of people including helpdesk analysts and LAN administrators have a bookmark for the relevant information on the Internet. 0 points

4. In LAN administrators training at my company:

1. a. Training, what training? +5 points
   

2. b. Problems of antivirus defense are never discussed . +3 points
   
3. c. Nothing was said about hoaxes and false positives. A horror story about multimillion damage due to viruses was presented  +2 points
   
4. d. Methods of fighting hoaxes and false positives were explained 0 points

5. After receiving the typical hoax a typical LAN administrator in my company:

• a. Immediately issue the warning to all users and shutdown the server +12 points
  

• b. Immediately issue the warning to all users and send additional memo to all his/her  friends and relatives.   +10 points
  
• c. Send a letter to the helpdesk about the warning because he cannot check its validity via Internet +8 points
  
• d. Not only he cannot check validity of such letter on Internet, but also cannot troubleshoot typical desktop problems and often attribute them to the viruses +7points
  
• e. Do not care (just has bookmarks to weather channel and baseball or basketball sites) +5 points.

6. In my company, with regard to computer security in general and hoaxes in particular I believe IS management is:

1. a, Totally incompetent and ignore the problems +12 points
   

2. Cannot distinguish facts from opinions and never listens to anyone but sycophants who are totally incompetent b. and exaggerate the problem to raise their status. +10 points
   
3. c. Incompetent but open to suggestions from competent specialists or outside information. +7 points
   
4. d. Just security manager is incompetent +5 points
   
5. e. Competent and tries to hire competent staff. 0 points

Scoring:

Less than 12 points Your firm/department is not doomed. However, a score of 10 or more points may be a cause for concern, especially combined with high score in question two.

12-20 points.Your firm/department is probably doomed.  IS probably a loss leader in your organization, but how long it will take to dismantle IS to cut losses in unclear. You do not need to worry much.

If you are in an educational system, the teachers and college bureaucracy may not be doomed but a majority of the students that are the product of the system might be in trouble.

Special case: If you work in a government organization, it's not doomed. Moreover it's a sign that it may expand in the near future.

More than 20 points. Not only is the firm/department is potentially doomed, but may be you are vulrnarable too!  You may already suffering from depression brought on by prolonged exposure to the incompetent management, or useless tasks, or in case of high score in question two may need to improve your computer literacy.