Psychospy Report on Tyson Fight

Last night, Psychospy attended the Tyson-McNeeley fight at the MGM Grand Arena in Las Vegas. The fight lasted 89 seconds for which Mike Tyson was paid $25 million.

Fortunately, we did not actually go inside the arena, which would have cost us a minimum of $200 for a back row seat. Instead, we just stood outside and watched the limousines bringing in the Famous People. There were a LOT of Famous People going to the fight. Personally, we cannot tell a Famous Person from anybody else, since they look like ordinary people to us. We knew they were Famous only because the flash bulbs started popping and the television cameras turned toward these people when they got out of their limousines.

Since this is the first time we have ever attended a boxing fight or an event where there were a lot of Famous People, we learned a lot about America last night. Here are some of the things we learned:

1. Most of the Famous People in America are very tall black men. They are men who do television commercials. They also do sports of some sort, but what actually makes them Famous is commercials.

2. Most of the Famous People in America have just one name. The big crowd of unfamous people outside the arena called out each Famous Person's name as he passed from his limousine into the arena. We forget most of the names now, but someone named "Shack" was there who everybody got really excited about because he does a LOT of commercials. Everybody also got excited about a "Sinbad", although he wasn't tall so we couldn't get a good look at him through the crowd.

3. Only a few Famous People in America are white. They are not tall and they usually have two names, like "Don Johnson," "Bruce Willis" and other two-part names called out by the crowd that we have now forgotten. These white, short, two-named Famous People are mostly Famous for memorizing scripts and pretending to be other people on TV and in movies.

4. A lot of people who arrived in limousines were not Famous, and the crowd seemed disappointed when they got out, as though they were taking up space that should have been used by a Famous Person. These Not Famous People were both black and white, tall and short. Some of them seemed vaguely Famous, but no one in the crowd could call out their one or two names.

5. Nearly all of the women who came in limousines wore very small and very tight dresses. You could see their bosoms poking out of the top of their dresses, but not the whole bosom, just the round, puffy part on top. The idea seemed to be to show as much of the bosom as you could and make it appear as puffy as possible without showing the whole thing.

6. Although we did not see this fight actually take place, we have seen other boxing fights on television. The goal of a fight is to beat up the other person until he can't stand up, so he eventually loses his teeth, breaks his nose and suffers brain damage. This is legal to do in America as long as it is in a big arena where a lot of people are watching who have paid a lot of money.

7. In America, if a Famous Person is convicted of a crime, like Mike Tyson was, it makes him even more Famous and more rich. Once you get out of jail, you will get a lot money for fighting people who don't stand a chance of beating you up. Presumably, you also get to do a lot more commercials.

8. If a Famous Person is convicted of a crime, then is paid $25 million to beat up someone, protesters will picket outside the arena with signs that read, "Rape is not a Sport." The protesters will look insignificant, though, compared to all the Famous People arriving in their limousines. The protesters will be shown on television, where they will look much bigger, but this will only help make the convicted Famous Person even more rich and Famous.

9. People in America, especially Famous People, are willing to pay a lot of money to see another convicted Famous Person beat up someone who doesn't stand a chance. In fact, they are willing to pay between $8089 and $161,797 per hour to watch the beating up take place. According to the newspapers this morning, many people at the fight were disappointed that it lasted only 89 seconds. They wanted the beating up to go longer so they would get more of it for their money.

Psychospy
Las Vegas
August 20, 1995