Why 7-11 Can Suck My Cock CYB0RG/ASM 2003-10-16 I went to 7-Eleven tonight for some late-night hacker snacks. While deciding whether I wanted to try the new "Nacho Italiano" or get my usual "Zesty Cheese" from the Doritos line-up of crap-food, a guy about my age walked in wearing a black hooded sweatshirt. Nothing unusual there, after all this is Canada and it is below zero tonight. Indeed, I myself was wearing a big black jacket, a toque, and gloves (so as not to leave any fingerprints or DNA evidence *wink*wink*). But lo-and-behold, the heifer behind the counter (honestly, just because you work at 7-11 doesn't mean you should get your breakfast, lunch, and dinner there), where was I? Oh yeah, this frigging bloated gas-bag starts shrieking "take off your hood! take off your hood!" At first the guy ignores her, but as her shrieks become more frantic he starts saying things like "uh, no". The beached whale wails "it's policy! it's policy! the cameras need to see you! it's policy!" The guy replies "I don't care, I live two blocks away, you see me everyday", and continues browsing the ridiculously priced toxic waste food-items. At this moment the big man himself steps up to the plate. Doogie Howser Security Wanker struts his 98 pound frame out from behind the twizzler rack and declares that the guy had best be leavin' before he has to call someone who doesn't weigh 98 pounds and actually has some authority under the law. So the guy leaves. And then, on principle, so did I. Completely Dorito-less. As I skated toward a less hostile environment to find semi-edible flavour wafers to pollute my body with, I thought more about what I had just witnessed. It's clear Lard-Lady and her sidekick Doogie were simply power- tripping because they were both total losers and here was an opportunity to assert their imaginary power over some innocent guy thereby making themselves momentarily forget what pitiful minimum-wage 9-5 loser roles they play in the world. At first glance, the "no hood" policy is there for the protection of the employees. At least this is what head-office is telling the counter-cows. But, I not being a counter-cow am not fooled by this sanctimonious platitude. I'm pretty sure the employees heads can be just as easily blown off by someone regardless of whether they have a hood on or not. So how does this policy protect the employees? It doesn't. My guess is some dildo at head-office in Dallas pulled his head out of his ass and scrawled down this policy in between naps in an effort to justify his fat salary and try and convince his superiors that he's actually thinking. Furthermore, shouldn't this "no hood" policy have been posted at the door if it's so damn critical? More obviously, is a robber even going to pay attention to such a sign or some fat bitch behind the counter telling him what to do? "Hey! Take your hood off! It's Policy!!!" "Huh? Empty the fucking register before I empty my clip into your fat fucking head, fat bitch." Yeah, this policy was really well thought out. Wouldn't it simply make more sense to locate a camera at the counter so it could catch every customers face? Wow, that's so crazy it just might work. So what next? They better start making women wipe off their make-up. Keep those god-damned Halloween trick-or-treaters the hell away. Sunglasses and eye-patches should obviously be unacceptable. If your hair is hanging in your face you're gonna have to cut that shit off. Forget coming in with any sort of facial hair. And it would be good policy to ban blacks, asians, and any other races that us ignorant white folk can't tell from one another. Better keep those with turbans at bay too. Besides, the Bush administration has me totally convinced that anyone with a turban is a terrorist anyway. And speaking of those kind of folk, aren't there some East Indian women whose religions demand that they keep their faces covered in public? What about those people? Are they not allowed into 7-11 unless they violate their religious dictum? What about burn victims? If I had my face all scorched up and had to wear bandages over my face while going through the process of having skin peeled off my supple ass and grafted onto my face would I too be denied heavily salted snack-treats? Ok, I think I've made my point. Discrimination should be nondiscriminatory. If you're going to persecute one group of people for something retarded, then for the sake of fairness and logic, bloody well make sure you persecute everybody that even remotely falls into the same classification. So, what to do? I will never spend another cent at 7-11. See, I'm good that way. It's called being a good consumer and I pride myself on being a great consumer. First, I consume very little. Most crap for sale is not worth owning. Furthermore, if someone sells me crap, treats me like crap, or serves me food that makes me crap uncontrollably, I NEVER DO BUSINESS WITH THEM AGAIN. NEVER. I don't care if I have to go 50 blocks out of my way. That's what I will do. If I can buy something across the street but know I can get it cheaper on the other side of town, I bloody well go across town to get it! Imagine what would happen if everyone followed a similar code of conduct? Why, merchants in this country might actually start treating their customers with respect! You probably can't even imagine what that would be like since it happens so bloody rarely in Canada. We've got to travel to other countries to experience proper service. You know, service where they treat you like they actually appreciate the fact that you're giving them your hard-earned money? Where if you've got a legitimate complaint they make an effort to correct the situation rather than telling you to fuck-off because they know there's a whole city full of lazy fucking people who will keep spending their money there regardless of the fact that they are treated like shit. And North America is full of people that are too freaking lazy to walk an extra block or two to pay a buck less for a bag of chips at a grocery store, or god forbid buy something healthy to eat. If people took the time to be good consumers we'd have great service and great prices. And all it would take is a tiny little bit of effort and conviction. But that's clearly too much to ask for I guess. I'm going to ask you anyway. Make an effort to be a good consumer. Don't do business with people that mistreat you or have retarded policies like 7-11. Just try. Like most everything, it gets easier the more you do it. Find the lowest price. Reward those that treat you with respect with your continued patronage. And most importantly, stop buying crap simply because you are bored or because TV tells you to. The more of us that do these simple, common-sense things, the better the service industry in this country will get. Now, even though I don't expect it to make any difference in the world, I'm going to send this article to 7-11 headquarters because that is also part of being a good consumer. (Heh, seems they don't take their server security nearly as seriously as they take their store "security". Windows NT -- the swiss-cheese of network operating systems!) Oh, and before any overweight slobs out there start spewing bullshit about me being prejudice against fat people, let me just make it absolutely clear that I hate everyone equally. So fuck right off. Copywrong (x) 2003 www.hackcanada.com