............................................................................ ......::::..|...###.....###...###...###.....#######.....###......;;;;....... .....::::..-*-...###.....###..%##....###.....##..%##.....###....;;;;;;...... ....::::....|...##.##....#####%##...##.##....##...%##...##.##..;;;;;;;;..... .....::::......#######...##.#####..#######...##...%##..#######..;;;;;;...... ......::::....###...###..##...###.###...###..##..%##..###...###..;;####..... .............###.....######...%#####.....###############.....###..###.##.... *****###****###***********************************************###**#**##**** ## ## ### I S S U E # 0 5 5 0 5 - 0 9 - 0 0 ### #### ### # ### ####### #### ### "Jason on Waste Disposal" ### ####### by Jason #### uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh The uh other uh day uh my uh coworker uh and uh I uh were uh musing uh about uh the uh mysteries uh of uh life, uh as uh we uh often uh do uh when uh we uh feel uh like uh dispelling uh the uh evil uh specter uh of uh work uh which uh we uh are uh able uh to uh hold uh at uh bay uh for uh about uh seven uh and uh a uh half uh hours uh a uh day. uh The uh subject uh of uh mortality uh came uh up uh (or uh was uh it uh strained uh peas?). uh uh Naturally, uh this uh led uh to uh the uh subject uh of uh what uh to uh do uh with uh the uh increasing uh percentage uh of uh old uh people uh in uh our uh ranks. uh uh We uh talked uh briefly uh of uh the uh horrors uh of uh nursing uh homes, uh with uh a uh bunch uh of uh drooling, uh semiconscious, uh incontinent uh shells uh of uh huboyity uh puttering uh around, uh vaguely uh aware uh that uh they uh might uh someday uh die. uh uh I uh said uh that uh I uh love uh my uh parents uh too uh much uh for uh that. uh uh I'd uh take uh them uh behind uh the uh tool uh shed uh and uh do uh an uh Old uh Yeller uh on uh 'em. uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh There uh had uh to uh be uh some uh better uh options, uh we uh decided. uh uh I uh always uh thought uh they uh would uh make uh good uh doorstops, uh although uh they're uh someone uh higher uh maintenance uh than uh a uh rubber uh wedge. uh uh We uh considered uh labor uh in uh some uh of uh the uh more uh mindless uh jobs uh on uh earth, uh such uh as uh politics, uh which uh has uh always uh proven uh to uh be uh a uh spacious uh dumping uh ground uh for uh the uh elderly uh who uh are uh a uh few uh beers uh short uh of uh a uh sixpack, uh but uh that's uh a uh little uh cruel. uh uh Finally, uh we uh came uh to uh the uh conclusion uh that uh there uh was uh only uh one uh way uh to uh deal uh with uh it uh before uh they uh sucked uh our uh Social uh Security uh dry: uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh Soylent uh Green. uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh We uh also uh wondered uh what uh to uh do uh with uh all uh the uh dead uh people. uh uh The uh U.S. uh is uh a uh big uh place, uh but uh sooner uh or uh later uh we'll uh run uh out uh of uh space. uh uh In uh Europe uh they uh just uh dig uh up uh the uh bodies uh after uh about uh 50 uh years uh and uh throw uh the uh bones uh in uh a uh cave. uh uh In uh India, uh they uh throw uh them uh into uh their uh drinking uh water uh where uh they uh putrefy. uh uh I uh think uh we, uh as uh Americans, uh can uh do uh better uh than uh that. uh uh Cremation uh is uh so uh wasteful uh and uh burial uh is uh just uh a uh pain uh in uh the uh ass. uh uh I uh suppose uh some uh people uh would uh be uh a uh bit uh too uh squeamish uh to uh do uh the uh obvious uh thing, uh which uh would uh be uh to uh turn uh them uh into uh Spam. uh uh Irrational, uh but uh true. uh uh Heck, uh most uh people uh probably uh won't uh even uh admit uh to uh themselves uh that uh hot uh dogs uh are uh about uh 25% uh Mexican uh orphan. uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh The uh other uh option uh is uh pet uh food. uh uh They uh wouldn't uh be uh able uh to uh tell uh the uh difference, uh nor uh would uh they uh care. uh uh I uh wouldn't uh be uh too uh inclined uh to uh feed uh it uh to uh something uh like uh a uh pit uh bull, uh lest uh the uh loving uh pet uh acquire uh a uh taste uh for uh huboy uh meat. uh uh Of uh course, uh I uh wouldn't uh be uh dumb uh enough uh to uh buy uh something uh as uh dangerous uh as uh a uh pit uh bull uh anyway. uh uh Just uh tarantulas uh for uh me uh (I uh just uh got uh three uh new uh ones! uh uh Woo uh hoo!). uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh If uh huboys uh are uh still uh too uh squeamish uh about uh doing uh something uh practical uh with uh the uh dead, uh we uh can uh actually uh put uh the uh Dakotas uh to uh some uh use. uh uh These uh two uh exceedingly uh flat uh states uh have uh virtually uh nothing uh to uh offer uh us uh except uh a uh lot uh of uh empty uh space. uh uh I uh maintain uh that uh if uh we uh designated, uh say, uh South uh Dakota uh "The uh Dead uh State", uh we uh would uh have uh TONS uh of uh room uh to uh plant uh the uh stiffs, uh and uh we uh won't uh be uh wasting uh prime uh building uh or uh farmland. uh uh People uh could uh be uh alphabetized uh by uh county. uh The uh state uh flower uh would uh be uh the uh black uh rose! uh uh The uh state uh bird uh would uh be uh the uh crow! uh The uh state uh insect uh would uh be uh the uh carrion uh beetle! uh uh The uh state uh slogan uh would uh be uh "Dead uh and uh lovin' uh it!" uh uh The uh license uh plate uh would uh be uh gray uh on uh black! uh uh Tourism uh would uh go uh up, uh that's uh for uh sure. uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh We uh still uh haven't uh figured uh out uh what uh to uh do uh with uh North uh Dakota. uh uh Maybe uh it uh should uh be uh the uh National uh Landfill. uh *********************************************************************** uh uh # uh (c)2000 uh aNAda uh e'zine uh uh uh uh uh aNAda55 uh by Jason uh # uh uh ....................................................................... uh