-> "Polishing Al Roker's Head"
 -> by Kreid
 -> Taken from HOE #1000 (1/9/00)

	A lot of people have told me, "Dave, I don't know how you do it.
 Every time I try to polish Al Roker's head, it comes out all wrong.  And
 yet, every time you polish Al Roker's head, it is with grace and
 precision, and the effects are mesmerizing."  Now, technically, that's
 not really a question; in fact, I've never actually been asked about my
 head-polishing technique.  Perhaps it the subject intimidates ordinary
 people; or perhaps these confrontations have all been out of feigned
 interest.  Regardless of these things, I have chosen this night to
 finally reveal the secrets of my success.  So without further ado, I
 present to you _The Definitive Guide to Polishing Al Roker's Head_.

    	The first thing you need to do to prepare for the head-polishing
 is to get yourself a good pair of elbow-length gloves.  I usually prefer
 rubber, but canvas or studded vinyl should also work fine.  After putting
 the gloves on, I like to have a session of meditation or heavy
 crack-smoking to get myself relaxed and focused for the task to come.  
 Within three hours, I am ready for Mr. Roker's call.

        Now, this call can come at around noontime, or it can come as late
 as 4 in the afternoon.  Mr. Roker is extremely dedicated to his routine
 of eating three boxes of donuts every morning, and I've noticed that this
 process has been taking longer and longer ever since he picked up that
 heavy smack addiction while vacationing in Bali with the Dali Lama.  The
 important thing for you to remember as the head-polisher is that you must
 be prepared when the time comes.  So no matter what you do while you're
 waiting, you must maintain your focus!

        Be forewarned that activities such as television and sex can
 cripple your focus in mere moments.  Do whatever you can to keep a clear
 mind.  Despite the constant pleading sounds I hear when I walk through
 the company harem down at the TV station, I must reject all sexual thoughts.  
 Alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine should be avoided like the plague.  And,
 let me tell you, if you're going to smoke crack, have enough so that you
 won't start fiending while you're in the middle of a head-polishing
 session, and whatever you do, keep the crack away from Mr. Roker!  If he
 knows you are on crack, he will demand that you share some with him,
 which means less for you, and also means that you're going to have to
 polish a head that won't sit still.  In the event that he knows I'm on
 crack and insists on smoking a pipe with me, I keep some crushed up
 motion sickness pills with me.  After Roker smokes that stuff, he stops
 moving for at least 4 or 5 hours--this is a perfect play for an
 experienced head-polisher.

	After you get the call, the next logical step is to drive down to
 the TV studio.  I don't think I need to remind anyone that Al Roker is
 not a patient man; so no matter how far you live from the studio, you
 have to haul ass or Roker will be pissed when you get there.  And
 remember: you are employed by a major television studio and therefore
 have a great deal of immunity as far as the law is concerned.  So if
 you're like me and you don't have a car, I recommend stealing the first
 police car you can find; that way you won't look quite as suspicious when
 you're cutting through Central Park at 110 MPH.

	If all goes well, you should be walking into Mr. Roker's office
 around the same time that his head is hitting the floor from his
 pre-head-polishing shot.  Don't bother knocking on his door, just walk 
 in--he sometimes acknowledges your presence with a crooked smile, but not
 always. Personally, I try not to look at his face when he's high; I get
 menacing flashbacks when I see overweight black junkies.

        Anyway, the first thing you need to do at that point is get the
 needle out of his arm; he will almost always leave it in there, and that
 can leave some nasty track-marks, which a celebrity like Al Roker cannot
 afford to have, especially when he insists on wearing short sleeves as
 much as he does.  After the needle is out, put it somewhere out of his
 arm's reach, but somewhere he can still find it the next time he wants to
 get high.  After that, you'll probably need to clean up his mess, usually
 he leaves some cooked gear spilling out of a spoon onto his office floor,
 so clean that up. And I know what you're thinking--don't try to snort
 that stuff!  Heroin and head-polishing are just not compatible with each
 other!  Just try to clean up enough to not leave too many brown stains on
 the floor and put out his candles so as not to have to clean wax off the
 floor later.

        Here comes the hardest part: lifting Roker into his chair...
 that's gotta be at least a metric ton of dead weight, and if you'll
 believe it, the heroin hasn't taken off a single pound.  Some
 head-polishers in the past have brought pulleys and wheelbarrows to work
 in the past, but I like to do it the old-fashioned way.  A little bit of
 butter smeared in the right places can get a fat man sliding into pretty
 much any position.

        Now, if you've followed all the instructions, you should have the
 focus and the energy you'll need to do the actual head-polishing.  But as
 head-polishing is a complex and beautiful dance, I can only give a few
 pieces of advice to the unexperienced.  Remember to spit directly on the
 head--it is the key to a bright, yet non-shiny polishing.  Also, don't
 try touching the bumpy hairy things on his neck or your hands will be
 covered with them in a matter of hours.  Beside that, just remember to
 concentrate!  Be the polish.  Make love to the head.  Make the head your
 bitch; it begs for your love, but you give nothing to it, you only take!  
 Take, take, take!  Do you like it, bitch?  Of course you do!

        I acknowledge that this is a minimalist approach to
 head-polishing. Of course my technique defies most conventions of modern
 head-polishing, but still, I consistently eclipse the head-polishing
 industry with the quality of my work!  In my view, it is a mad art,
 devoid of logic, overflowing with catastrophe, and should not be
 attempted by the feint of heart.  If you do not master it, it will master
 you.  Need I mention the fatality rate of head-polishers these days?  It
 sickens my heart to know how many have died, only aspiring to be like me,
 a common working man... a zen master... a head-polisher.