LEFT: Arthur and Nicole Friedman in happier times, and German Blinov.

Jew jerks off

Arthur Friedman was unhappy. He had been married to Natalie Friedman for ten years. Outwardly, she looked bright, attractive and charming. But she was not meeting his needs in bed. Arthur yearned for the excitement of new sexual relationships. He wanted to have sex with other people. He wanted Natalie to have sex with others, too. And he wanted to watch her do it.

 

“That’s what he said would keep our marriage going,” Natalie told the Chicago Sun-Times in an interview. So Arthur egged Natalie into dipping her toes into the turbulent waters of the swing scene. And Natalie got used to the idea of opening her relationship to other lovers. Natalie noticed German Blinov, the owner of a gym where she was working out, and his wife Inessa. German noticed her, too. According to Arthur, they all became friends. And, in time, quite a bit more. Natalie recalled one night when she and Arthur shared a hot tub with German and another woman (not Inessa). They all got it on, with Blinov having sex with Natalie and Arthur enjoying the other lady. Life was good.Except for one thing, from Arthur’s perspective. Natalie was becoming more enamored with German than with Arthur. That wasn’t part of Arthur’s plan. He wanted to enjoy other women, and enjoy the thrill of seeing his wife fucked by other men, but at the end of the night he wanted Natalie to come home with him and tend to their children. But Natalie wanted German. “This guy [German] ruined my life—he backstabbed me,” Arthur complained. “German was not the cause of this,” Natalie replied. “I stopped loving Arthur. He made me do all these things. How could he say he loved me? If he’d been such a great husband, wouldn’t he protect me instead of making me do these things?”

In 2005 both the Blinovs and the Friedmans filed for divorce. Both families had children, according to court records, although nothing about them got into the press. The divorce proceedings were protracted; the Friedmans’ case has not yet been resolved. Things got ugly.

Broken heart

Then Arthur became aware of a quirk in the law of Illinois, the state where he and Natalie reside. Illinois is one of eight states that allows lawsuits for alienation of affection—literally, stealing the love of one’s life away. (The others are Hawaii, Mississippi, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah.) Arthur sued German under the 1864 law that permits such actions. And the case went to trial.

To win, Arthur had to prove to the jury that he and Natalie were in love and German broke up the relationship. You might think this would be difficult to do, even though Arthur denied having sex during the hot tub party or any of the couple’s other swinging experiences. And Arthur had to prove that he suffered damages as a result.

 

 

 

Jury

The jurors doubtless wished they had been chosen for a run-of-the-mill auto accident case after listening to conflicting testimony about the Friedmans’ fun and games. “Way more than once,” jury foreman Eric Helsig told the press after the trial, the jurors looked at each other and said “this is stupid.” “The statute,” Helsig continued, “is ridiculous.” Amazingly, the jury decided the case in Arthur’s favor in late June. But they didn’t think he lost much with the departure of his wife. According to Helsig, many of the jurors wanted to award Arthur no damages, while others thought he should get $17.20, the same amount the jurors were paid to sit through the proceedings. In the end, Arthur was awarded $4,802.87 from German, based on her contributions to the Friedman household during the marriage.

Natalie is upset with the ruling. Not only did Arthur get away with initiating the playing around, which resulted in her affair with German, but also the whole process of being valued like a cow run over by a truck was “humiliating” for her. “This law allowed him to put a price tag on me,” Natalie said after the trial. “That hurts more than anything.”

In my view, Natalie has a valid point. The alienation of affection law is an absurd relic that ought to be repealed. It stems from the premise that the wife is the property of the husband, just like a cow or a pig might be, and measures damages on the basis of her lost income and services when she wanders off to find a more responsive lover. In this case the result was more comic than tragic—German probably will have no trouble paying the damages—but in North Carolina the jury awarded damages of over $1 million in two similar cases.

But in addition to that, the tale of Arthur, Natalie and German reminds us that couples who open their marriages are putting their relationship at risk. When one partner—usually the man—first suggests trying out “the lifestyle,” he usually envisions he and his lady having sex with a variety of people for fun, but coming home with each other to enjoy enhanced lovemaking between the two of them.

Despite that intention, there’s nothing to prevent either member of the open couple from finda new partner who might suit his or her life better. If you embrace open marriage as a lifestyle, there’s a fairly good chance you’re new it at, and you might be quite susceptible to the advances of another person who seems fresh and vibrant, compared to your familiar spouse. And pursuing the dream of being with that person may well degenerate into a nightmare.

So play by all means, if you and your partner desire to do so—but be aware of the fates that may arise from the operation of the Law of Unintended Consequences. If you want to preserve your primary relationship, discuss your conduct at the party with your spouse, reach agreement about how far each of you will go and don’t overstep the boundaries you’ve agreed on. Communication and sensitivity are keys on which strong and enduring relationships are built.