Tracey

MCF Victims : Tracey's Story

 1st Warning

It was the launching of the National Lottery and I had decided to enter. Mark my husband had wanted to visit Joe and after much thought we had decided to try and reconcile our marriage, because I thought that Joe would benefit from having two parents and even though Mark had now got another child , which was one of the reasons for the split in the first place , I naively thought that maybe there was some benefit from Joe having two parents .

Our relationship had never run smoothly in the past and I often felt that we were ill matched . Mark had been violent towards me in the past and had a drink problem which I thought might improve as he would be away from his usual friends . We had never had what you would call a run of the mill relationship, which I had blamed on his drink problem and as we were now a hundred miles away from his usual environment , I thought that maybe he would settle. In the past a few of his friends, who I had become aquatinted with had seemed concerned for me. They were also drinkers and I largely put this down to this, although on reflection Mark was often very negative and down right rude which was often quite menacing.

Anyway that night Sandra, a friend of mine was due to come round and we were going to enter the Lottery together . Previous to this night I had become apprehensive of Mark’s motives for being there , he seemed different in some way , more attentive towards Joe but somehow this seemed to unnerve me . I put this down to the fact that I had been on my own with Joe for quite a while and was possibly mis- judging the situation and Mark was just making a concerted effort to be a father to Joe and as he himself had not really had a balanced childhood maybe he was trying too hard. Nevertheless I did feel uncomfortable and almost instinctively felt I should take Joe with me.

Something was nagging at the back of my mind. On one of our previous visits to Mark’s flat in East Ham Mark had said something that at the time I felt was odd, although I had again passed it off as drink talking. It was really quite an innocent statement to make but with his recent behaviour and what had been said in the past I began to feel uneasy . Anyway against my better judgement I decided to leave Joe with Mark while Sandra and I went to play the Lottery.

We were roughly about an hour. I had mentioned to Sandra my concern and in doing so felt a bit silly and almost guilty that I should think that Joe was not safe with his father . I again justified this by thinking to myself that I had always had Joe with me in the past and it was probably my maternal insecurity, (leaving my child with someone who in the past had seemed in some respects unstable under the influence of drink ) but this night he had not had a drink and seemed jovial and content offering to watch Joe while we went.

On my return I approached the door to the tied cottage. The curtains were drawn, as it was by now dark. I could hear Joe crying and searched for my key , realising I had left it in doors. I knocked and Mark answered turning the light on before he opened the door . Joe was crying and seemed to be dizzy , he looked disorientated and was blinking and squinting as though he had been in the dark a long time . ( Joe was a very happy child and rarely cried. He was sure footed , extremely for his age and had rarely been poorly. Mark said “ he’s banged his head about ten times”, so I said how did he do that and Mark said “ he fell over. I checked Joe’s head and body and couldn’t see anything wrong. I cuddled Joe and he was very unrested. He had had the runs on and off for a few days and I thought that was probably the trouble, although he had never been like this before . Mark seemed apprehensive and not really concerned for Joe which puzzled me due to his previous attitude towards him . Mark went to bed.

I stayed down stairs with Joe and eventually he went to sleep but did not sleep peacefully wriggling and blinking , turning over and giving the appearance he was climbing the walls, although he was still asleep. I was alarmed and that night slept with Joe in his room. At one time in the night I tapped Joe because he seemed in such a panic and I did not know what to do. I have always felt guilty for this. Joe kept trying to clear his throat as though as the saying goes ( he had a frog in his throat). I knew something was wrong and wished I had taken Joe to the hospital, but I didn’t know what to say to them , “that my child was having a bad dream”, there were no marks or anything to explain his behaviour and although he was talking he was barely beyond mono syllables.

I began to think that maybe Mark had been spiteful too him. He had been spiteful to me in the past bordering on the sadistic but to think he would do this to Joe seemed unthinkable. The next day I told mark he had to go and that it wasn’t going to work. He said he did not have the money until the next giro came which was on the Wednesday.

He then suggested that I go and leave Joe with him, previously he had suggested when I was talking to a friend on the phone that I go out and find myself a bloke and leave him with Joe. This obviously disconcerted me but Mark became jovial and I dismissed it as a joke but this time he seemed serious. I was by now very protective of Joe and everywhere I went Joe went even when I went to the loo.

Wednesday came and as I had a car it was expected that I ran him to Dagenham. We set out, nothing was really said in the car. I had arranged to have his bike taken down at a later date. We arrived in Dagenham, and Mark asked to be dropped off at his friend John's, he also asked me to wait while he checked to see if he was in. I felt uncomfortable about this but did not really want to rock the boat until now things had been reasonably amicable and something told me not to make a fuss and keep calm. John wasn’t in, so the next port of call was Scrattons Farm Social Club . He again told me to wait, against my better judgement. I did. Mark came back out with John, they talked for a while and then approached the car John said to me “Marks left my keys at yours so I said “well I can send them to you in a jiffy bag . John said “No, I need them, they are my flat keys” and Mark said, “we’d better go back and pick them up”. This disturbed me so I again said that I would send them to him. They then insisted on coming back. It was unusual for John to insist anything. He had always acted in a friendly considerate way before, although under the influence of drink he became amorous even in front of Mark which didn’t seem to bother him.

Many times in the past he had told me to split with him and had insinuated he was a danger to me, not actually telling me why. I felt uneasy but felt I had no choice by this time . We arrived back in Rugby in the evening and we went to bed.

In the morning they decided to go for a drink. It was by now obvious that I was keeping Joe very close to me and I almost felt panic if he was out of my sight. Joe had become apprehensive of Mark and on most occasions stayed close to me anyway.

In the evening I was asked if I would like to go for a drink with them. I said I would come for half an hour before I started dinner, still feeling I needed to keep the situation on an even keel. In the pub a conversation was struck up about catching crabs at Southend by Mark to John , in the past Mark had told me that John had caught these from a woman he had been seeing while he was in Benfleet very close to Southend. I laughed realising the implication. John then went on to jibe Mark about putting on weight and Mark said something to the effect of middle age. John then said about how a man called Ruban was fit for his age and said he could get all the young girls. I immediately became annoyed as this man that had been mentioned had always had the reputation of being a dirty old man even when I was a child this was being said. I said “its not the young girls I worry about its the kids. Mark then said he’s paid for what he’s done , so I said why are you so defensive, is he a friend of yours,? and Mark said yes we’ve known him for years.

I picked up Joe and walked out of the pub. when I got in I started to cook. Mark came in a couple of hours later and came into the kitchen. He said to me “do you think I’m some sort of nonce or something”. “No” I answered, feeling very vulnerable. He then sat in the chair and ate.

After he’d finished he said to me out of the blue, “how would you feel if I asked you to let me half strangle you during sex?” . It was obvious by now that our relationship was over and we had never had what you would call a sex life. Mark had said that sex was only for procreation. I was horrified at what he said and gave it the contempt it deserved. It made me think of how when we were first married he had come in drunk one night crying his eyes out and had said to me that years before he had nearly strangled his ex girlfriend Dee and had had to resuscitate her . I had thought at the time that they had had a fight but now I began to wonder.

After this request mark got up and said be was going to bed and that he would take Joe with him . We had a stand up struggle with him at the bottom of the stairs with Joe in his arms and me trying to tactfully take Joe off of him. Eventually I won and Joe stayed down stairs with me . By this time I couldn’t wait for them to go and even though it was a clipped atmosphere I managed to keep calm and act as normal as I could . This seemed almost instinctively the best course to take. John came in quite a bit later. Mark had been in bed for a while by now and I was changing Joe who would not settle. He sat down and ate. Then he said to me.

“Trace, are you listening to me?”

I said “yes” John.

He said “no Trace, are you listening to me?”, emphasising the word listening.

I said “yes” John I’m listening.

He went on to say

“My dad was a good dad, he went to work , he loved my mum and gave her money and took me to bed but it didn’t hurt. But marks dad is bad he’s a nasty piece of work and Marks not much better, he will ruin Joe’s life if he hasn’t already. and if anything is said you will be made to look like a piece of shit in court it won’t be mark that does it , it will be someone a lot higher up and no one will know and the tables will be turned and Trace. So I said why are you friends with him then? so John said, “he’s no friend of mine, something went wrong and we are in it together .

(This last piece is not on police file the rest is filed with Barking Police Child Protection Team)

Mark came down stairs the next morning and said to me “buried alive in two weeks” and that was all that was said. I ran them back to Dagenham and then went back to Rugby.

For the following year I avoided him like the plague, avoiding the few phone calls that were made by him, by getting my mum to make excuses. I enquired about divorce and found out that a new form had to be filled in concerning Joe. This put me off as I was scared he would go for access if I objected to him seeing him.

Joe said a few thinks to me which I feel need mentioning .

I lit a scented candle one night. It was the following February. Joe then proceeded to say to me that Daddy had turned the lights out and lit two candles and put them on the table. Then Joe picked up the scented candle and proceeded to pour the melted wax off the candle onto the floor, telling me daddy had dripped it on his back and then daddy said “I’m so sorry Joe.” Surely I would have seen some sort of mark from the wax , but a child of that age would not lie about something like that. I just decided to keep everything quiet and not tell a soul. I didn’t know what to do for the best. All I knew was something had happened and I felt threatened and very scared for Joe, but I also felt that if I tried to do anything about it I would not have enough evidence.

Family had said to me in the past that I should take everything John said to me with a pinch of salt, but somehow with my instincts and what Joe had said to me I could not dismiss this as just the ramblings of a drunk.

During the year my sister Kathleen visited my parents. She was still in touch with Mark and I felt this was an uncomfortable situation . I did not tell her what had been said but emphasised that I did not want anything to do with either of them anymore. She seemed to pick up on something and one night we went for a drink together and she struck up a conversation concerning abuse. She said that a friend of hers who lived in Rugby who was an alcoholic had broken into a house one night to steal for money for drink. On entering the house she found a padlocked door so she broke the padlock in the room. She found a developing studio and pornographic pictures of children. This alarmed her and she went home to get her partner. They both went back to the house and saw the pictures, but while they were there the occupier came home.

The woman’s partner stabbed the man and when it went to court the photographs had disappeared. The man got off very lightly . It seemed very strange to me that my sister should pick up on my concerns, but then perhaps this was intuition. I had had differences with my sister in the past and felt on numerous occasions some sort of animosity from her, although I had nearly always trusted and taken her advice. I did feel she had let me down in some cases. She insisted she did not like Mark but proceeded to let him into her house. It had been Kathleen who had encouraged me to go out with Mark in the first place.

She had told me there was a job going at the Pipers pub in Dagenham and at first I was totally opposed to the idea of working there, because of its notorious reputation but eventually I decided that I needed the money and as the job was off the books I went for the interview. I was surprised because after a few weeks I seemed to be doing quite well and to my knowledge was well liked by both staff and customers. Mark had asked me out quite a few times before I actually accepted. Kathleen encouraged me to go out with him and later in the relationship Mark gave me the impression that he had known her before we were together although Kathleen denied this. He also said he knew my nephew Danny from the Dagenham Drums, but when this was said Danny didn’t answer him. Anyway the year went on and I met someone else and for two months from the June to the August, I was seeing a man called John, who also lived in Rugby.

 Christmas was approaching and I’d managed to avoid Mark quite effectively. Kathleen had asked me to go and stay at hers a few times in the year but I declined saying that I didn’t want to take the chance of bumping into him. She assured me that he rarley came round but I still thought it best that I didn’t take the chance. But Christmas was near and Kathleen asked me if I would go and pick the presents up. She assured me Mark had not been over for ages and that if he did turn up she would not let him in. So after a lot of reassurance from her I went down the Dagenham to collect the presents. We had a pleasant evening and in the morning I got up early .

At 8.30am there was a knock at the door Kathleen came down from upstairs. I instinctively knew who it was, she said well I can’t not open the door so she opened the door and let him in. The contact was made again and obviously he was interested to see Joe. I was really annoyed with my sister, but it seemed that she thought I was making a fuss about nothing and I think her husband Cruden was peeved because I wasn’t letting him see his son. Mark then wanted to come up to see Joe.

I went back to Rugby and avoided him for a few weeks but then I received a phone call from Kathleen saying the Mark was on his way down unannounced. So I didn’t have a lot of choice. I either let him in or ignored the front door. She also said he had changed and wanted to make a fresh start and that he planned on taking me out for a Champagne dinner.

 Somehow this wasn’t Mark. Something somewhere along the line didn’t ring right. If you had known him you would have understood what I meant. The whole thing seemed odd but I really thought that the best plan of action as he was on his way was to keep the situation amicable rather that to start getting nasty. I felt that if I did get awkward he might apply for access through the courts and the matter might be out of my hands. My sisters attitude puzzled me as well. She had very rarely had a good word to say about him in the past and now she was almost encouraging the situation.

When I had first moved to Rugby. Mark had warned me that if I moved without telling him where I’d gone he would intimidate my parents so I was also concerned that if I went over there he might cause trouble for them as well. He arrived and we went out for a meal then the next day he went back.

I again avoided him for a while. He then phoned and said he was coming up. This time I thought it better he didn’t and decided that if he persisted, it would be safer and I would be more in control if he wasn’t under my roof, so if it came to it I would visit friends in Dagenham and he could see Joe there in a public place.

Kathleen rang me out of the blue one night and said to me that Mark had found a bungalow for me and him to live in when we visited him in Essex. This was a bolt out of the blue. Things just didn’t make sense. I felt concerned and puzzled but very conscious of the fact that I must keep control of any situations that arose and be amicable. I was very concerned that he might just go to the courts for access.

I then took Joe to London as Mark again said he was coming up. He didn’t know I was coming down and I didn’t want to give him the chance of saying he was coming to us. On seeing him I questioned him about what had been said. He said he hadn’t said this to Kathleen and that he had found a place where he could have both his children for weekends and that I could come with Joe so I asked to see his flat. We went to see it. He then asked me if I thought there was any reason why he wouldn’t get access to his little girl Sara . I said as far as I know why shouldn’t you. He said he wanted access to her on her own but her mum Fiona was objecting and every time he saw her it was at her mums with all the family. I made it clear that Joe was going nowhere without me, and just to see what he said, I said about me moving in. He seemed indifferent about this . I had no intention of moving down, but with what had been said the situation was so odd. I was very uneasy but felt the best way was to act normally and not question too much. I had no proof or grounds for anything. Only what I thought was odd and my suspicions from the previous year were only words and Joe was too young to say what had really happened. The whole situation seemed crazy.

I arranged for Mark to see Joe in a public place. Mark suggested the working mans club off of Church Elm Lane in Dagenham, so we saw him there. We were late and apparently Mark was upset and thought that we were not going to turn up. The evening went well and everything was fine.

 Mark wanted to see Joe the next day as well. So I agreed and the next day we met at the same place. I felt that because this was a public place things would be fine. Mark said to me if I wanted to drink he would pay for a cab back for us in the evening and I could come back in the morning for the car. I never drank and drove and if I went out I always had soft drinks . I didn’t really like the idea, and said no, I’d be fine on coke, but when Mark came back from the bar he had bought me Bacardi and coke, so I decided to leave the car and get a cab. It was a stupid decision and I should have left the drink whether this would have made a difference to what happened I don’t know, but although I did not get drunk. I feel that drink does sometimes give a dulled view to things and maybe I would have been more perceptive if I hadn’t had a drink.

Joe was playing on the dance floor with some children . This was a family club and I felt quite comfortable for him to do so. He was in sight and enjoying himself. He came over to get a drink and spilt the whole glass down him, soaking his jumper. I had a spare one in the car so I decided to go and get it. There were lots of people around, some of which I knew and it was quite cold out so I thought he would be safe to leave . I asked a woman shirley to keep an eye on Joe. Mark was talking to some friends over the other side of the room. I went out to the car and opened the boot to look for the jumper. After a few minutes I found it and went back into the bar. As I went in John , who had warned me, approached me. He was offish and said to me that someone was keeping an eye on me in Rugby. I didn’t take this seriously and went to go through into the other bar. He then said something about knowing a judge, which I didn’t understand so I went through to the other bar. I couldn’t see Joe or Mark, so I looked around. Shirley was on the dance floor. She said that Joe was over there and pointed. I looked but couldn’t see him, then I saw Mark coming over with Joe on his shoulders. He said “I just took him to show him how to use the men’s toilets” and put him down. He immediately ran over to a step which was behind Mark on the dance floor. I went over to him and went to pick him up. He just went limp and flopped back onto the platform. I sat him up and he did the same again and just stared at the ceiling. I asked him what was wrong and he didn’t answer so I picked him up and took him over to the table and he tried to clear the table of drinks as if he was dehydrated. So I picked him up again. There was something going on over the other side of the room. Someone was accusing Mark of “waking his child up while he was asleep in the toilets.” Marks friend Paul was telling Mark this and there were a lot of people around. I could not see what was going on. All I knew was that something was being said. At first I thought they were referring to me when I lifted Joe up from the step but it became obvious later that they weren’t. I picked Joe up and went to leave pushing my way through a crowd of people. Mark followed and we got cabs.

Two days later we were staying at a friends house and Joe had gone to sleep on the settee. we were chatting amongst ourselves when Joe started to struggle in his sleep. He was kicking at first and then pushing with his hands, as if he was pushing something away, literally as if there was pressure on his hands. I immediately realised there was a likeness to what had happened just over a year ago, but this time there seemed more force and it was as if he was reinacting something in his sleep. He arched his back off of the settee and was saying my hands, my hands. His eyes rolled back in his head and he was grinding his teeth. He then sat up and began to choke. I managed to calm him and he settled down. The truth hit home and I was sick and shaking, barely able to walk. Both Bob and Lisa were horrified, Lisa leaving the room and Bob crying. We didn’t sleep that night and I decided to go to the police. Bob didn’t want me to. He said about going into hiding. We talked and talked.

The next day was a blur. I suggested going to my sister and asking her advice. Bob thought this was a bad idea.

The next night Joe was laying on the settee with me. He had his back to me and said out of the blue, “Daddy took me into the toilets and smashed the light bulb with my head and the ceiling fell in. I was upside down and saw daddy’s scar. He put a knife down my throat and I couldn’t walk and you were gone and the door was locked” . Mark has a scar that stretches from his belly button down to his private parts. This happened to him when he was in his early twenty’s.

The next day I decided there was no choice. I had to go to the police. He had access to his daughter as well and this concerned me. If I didn’t what would happen to her. I decided to go to my sister and tell her. Bob tried to stop me saying that he felt really bad about this and that something would happen. He knew my sister had contact with Mark . I had told her about what John had said to me by now and she said I ought to tell Mark what had been said. I said to her that Mark probably knew what John had said and she said that John was probably rambling and that Mark should know what had been said as John was obviously no friend of Marks.

When I told Kathleen what had happened she was obviously upset and she spoke to Cruden her partner. He said that if I went to the police they would back me all the way but if not they wanted nothing to do with it. I had already decided to go to the police so Kathleen arranged for me to see a friend of hers who had previously worked for the CPT (Child Protection Team) and was now an ordinary WPC. We went to see her at Dagenham Police Station and I told her what had happened. She was very concerned and told us about other situations she knew of . She said that the police were aware of houses that were solely used for peadophile activity where women lived with children and gave birth to children who were abused. She said they new of these places but they could never find out where they were and that they just seemed to hit a brick wall when any investigations were done. She also checked Marks name on a list, but just came up with an offence he had committed in adolescence. Mark dabbled in drugs, not only using them but dealing as well and although I didn’t know much about it and didn’t really see or hear exactly what was going on I know that he had these dealings and at the time I was more concerned with me and Joe than what he was getting up to so I didn’t take much notice of his business. This was when we lived at Thames View in Barking. But considering his drinking habits and violent temper when drunk I was surprised to hear that there were no other offences on record. I know that he used other names because I had to phone the hospitals one night and they searched their records and told me that under his date of birth he had used his dads name and I think his brothers name or maybe it was his brother that had used his date of birth I don’t know all I knew was I found it odd he had no other arrests.

Anyway Roz the WPC advised me to make a statement and said I could be covered by the Witness Protection Programme. I made a statement but I am pretty sure that I didn’t tell them what John had said to me. I then had to go to Barking Police Station and see the CPT there. Roz had advised us to go into a women’s refuge . At Barking we first saw Chris Robson, and a Social Worker , Chris said that they would video Joe and asked me if I wanted him to be examined. I was hesitant but decided yes. I thought this was the best thing to do. The Social Worker disagreed.

Shortly after this I went into a women’s refuge. The first night we were in Barking, and then we went to Harlow in Essex where we stayed for five months. During this time Chris visited us and I then told him what John had said to me. I also told him about my personal relationship with Mark which was far from normal, about his attitude to sex and that it was only for procreation as he put it and also about what he had said to me about his request to strangle during sex. I felt that without this information a complete picture could not be seen.

Chris mentioned that my sister Kathleen had been In contact with him every day, more often in fact than I had. He didn’t say what she wanted and when I asked her she just said she was concerned. Chris then asked me again if I wanted Joe to be examined and I said yes. This was three weeks on from the attack. Joe was examined and the doctor asked if Joe had made a certain noise which he had. I was so shocked and felt sick to the stomach, but for some reason I said no . I am pretty sure the doctor picked up on this because I felt the colour drain from my face. God knows why I didn’t say yes to this, probably shock. The examination showed that Joe had not been penetrated and although I was relieved I had a nagging feeling in my stomach. why did the doctor ask me about this straining noise which Joe had made. This really troubled me, the fact that I hadn’t said yes to this question . So I called the CPT and asked to speak to someone.

Sharon came to see me at the refuge and I explained to her feeling very stupid and concerned that this noise was significant and that Joe could be damaged in some way. He had a lot of hair loss and this was put down to trauma. He had also been very pale and had had a sore throat for a long time. When we first went into the refuge there was a woman there also called Tracey. Joe said to me “is that my new mummy” on questioning him, said that Daddy had said he would have a new Mummy. I suppose the fact that this woman’s name was the same in his mind seemed to make sense. I assured him that I was his Mummy and that I would always be.

When we were first married Mark used to say things like he’d only married be for the insurance and sometimes I felt this true although sense told me that this was some kind to dry humour. But telling a three year old he was going to have a new mummy was no joke. I also remembered what John had said to me on numerous occasions when he was drunk he often said to me “Trace do you know what he’s going to do when he’s finished with you “. Sometimes John was in tears, but I still dismissed this as either sick humour or the ramblings of an alcoholic. I’d mentioned this to my sister who agreed with me. I’m pretty sure I mentioned this to Chris Robson as well.

There was no physical evidence and as Joe was so young they decided not to take it any further. No video was made and Chris just said he has obviously done this before. We will catch him next time. This riled me but I said nothing . I had told Chris that I would probably be relocated in Rugby. Kathleen had said that Mum and Dad needed someone near to them and In a way I agreed with her. Chris said “he’ll find you in Rugby you know.” I didn’t answer. Everyone had said to me that Mark wasn’t interested in Joe as he never made much effort to see him or financially support him, but I felt that he obviously had some sort of compulsion and was extremely dangerous. Why weren’t the police doing anything about this. I told them that there was possibly some physical evidence as Joe had had the runs the day after the attack and I’d changed him in a house where they were having the bathroom refurbished. As I couldn’t rinse them the clothes had been overlooked. Kathleen had taken them out of the boot of the car and had them at her shop in Broad Street Dagenham. The police were reluctant to pick them up. There was also a witness at the club. Why hadn’t that avenue been explored. The Police said that if it were to go to Court and we lost Mark would have access rights to Joe so we were to have no contact whatsoever, not even any legal contact.

 I followed their instructions . In the refuge I tried to get some legal advice on divorce but they said that a blue form had to accompany the divorce papers. When I looked at this form it had to be agreed by both adults and I felt that I could not take this chance. I asked the Solicitor if the form had to go with the papers and he said yes. so I decided not to pursue it.

 While I was in the refuge, John , who I had been dating the previous year had tried to contact me. He had returned a book with his card attached to it and when he hadn’t heard anything he phoned my parents house to enquire how I was. My mum briefly knew the situation and was very cautious, not telling him anything. Six weeks after he first phoned I contacted him. We went out for a drink and I briefly outlined the situation.

 In the July we were offered a flat in Brownsover. John had previously said to me to tell him as soon as I heard about a place. He seemed somehow concerned about this and was quite insistent. I was made the offer and was told I had to wait a week before I viewed the property but I said I would collect the keys from Northampton myself instead of waiting for them to be brought to Rugby. I did not tell John I had had the offer. I just collected the keys and on looking at the flat I accepted it. On telling John he asked me where and we went to view it. He asked me if I was going to accept it and I said that I already had.

 He seemed momentarily upset, this concerned me and I but I could not see any logic behind it, but it stuck in my mind. John helped me get the flat together and did all the DIY necessary. He bought furniture which I paid him for at boot sales and generally helped with the general household jobs that need doing when you move into a new place. The flat was small but exceptionally nice, fully refurbished inside and out. I’d met the woman from upstairs and we seemed to get on fine. She had a teenage daughter who stayed with her and eventually moved in with her. ( Lindsey ). In the summer John was in the garden laying some turf, his friend Mike was with us. Lindsey came down from upstairs and I went to introduce her to John and his friend. She seemed to just stand and stare for a few moments looking puzzled. I introduced John and Mike and she stood talking for a while.

 I eventually went in leaving John and Mike outside. I could hear Lindsey and John talking and John saying not now no. They stood and talked for ages while John was fixing the fence. I went out at one point and Lindsey was helping John. I felt somehow as if I were intruding and although I wanted to question whether they new each other I retreated back inside. Mike had made a quick exit earlier. It just seemed that they were too familiar to not have known each other previously. When John came in I asked him if he had known her before and he said no. I asked him if he had known her from the Holly Bush pub and he seemed unfamiliar with it saying he had never met her before. He also said he thought she was round the twist. I was annoyed because it just seemed strange that they were so familiar. At one point John had poked his head through the open kitchen window and insinuated that I was into wife swapping to Lindsey. I treated this in jest and dismissed it . A couple of days after this Lindsey was in the garden with her step daughter and asked if she could come over and play with Joe. I said yes and asked her to come in for a cup of coffee. She came in and we started to chat. She asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said yes John. She seemed surprised and asked me if I were seeing anyone else. I said no, thinking this was an odd thing to ask. Then she said so your an item then, so I said yes we are an item, so then she said to me “don’t you think you make the same mistakes with men as you made before”. This took me back and I said to her “well you get wiser as you get older but you don’t always take you own advice”. She then said I’ll come to out with you we can go to a singles club if you want and I said “no thanks I’m quite happy with John thank you. The conversation ended and Lindsey went back upstairs. I noticed she had very bad bruising on her arms and a bloodshot eye. When I next saw John I mentioned to him about her visit and he said the me “What did she say to you” . I just briefly outlined what had been said and it was left at that.

 John had often said and insinuated things about me that were completely unfounded and in some cases I would consider not only outrageous but also sordid. He sometimes talked about voyeurism and bondage which embarrassed me and I think that was the main aim.

 He once said to one of his friends that I was a hooker and at first I think he half believed him John seemed to have a very sick sense of humour and this is what I put it down too, although this did anger me. The next time I saw this friend (Danny) he came to my flat and seemed surprised to see me. John had phoned him and asked him to come round for some car parts John had got for him. He walked in and sat down. I offered him a drink and the phone rang, it was my nephew (Danny) he wanted to speak to John so I handed the phone to John Danny Johns friend then said to me “So he receives calls here as well does he?” so I said its my nephew, so Danny said, how old is he and I said 25 so he then said “from your vastly incestuous family”.

 I went to confront him and John gestured and interrupted him. I was very annoyed because I thought he was referring to the situation with Joe. I had told him everything. Kathleen had advised me to tell him all. which I’d done. John seemed to smooth the situation over . I’m not sure how, but the situation passed. I then asked Danny why he hadn’t brought Stacey with him (his wife). He proceeded to say “see this ring (holding his finger up) I'M married “ . Again John smoothed the situation over. When Danny had gone I pulled John on what had been said and he said its just Danny’s sense of humour. But this time I did not believe it. I did not approve of jokes about things like that, especially about people they didn’t know very well. I thought back to what Lindsey had said and what John had said earlier to Danny and felt that maybe a picture was being painted that was definitely not correct, but then again maybe it was me being too sensitive. John had also said to Lindsey in front of me that I got confused and hadn’t taken my blue pill today. I know these are only little snipes but when all put together they seem relevant.

 We hadn’t seen Mike for ages, since the time he was there in the garden. He lived with Caroline not far from me on another part of Brownsover. One day John was supposed to be coming over. I phoned and he wasn’t at home so I phoned Caroline’s house to see if he was there. She said no and told me she was concerned about something and could she come round to talk, so I said yes. Caroline had never shown any interest in befriending me individually before and I was quite pleased that she was coming. Although I’d lived in Rugby for quite a while on and off I hadn’t made many good friends and often felt a bit lonely.

 Caroline arrived and started telling me about Mike and saying that she was worried about certain things he had been saying i.e. ( about getting her five men for Christmas) to sleep with. I said to her he is probably Joking and she assured me he wasn’t and that he used to talk about all sorts of sexual deviance. I assured her he was probably joking and she said why don’t we finish with them both and just spend Christmas on our own. I then mentioned to her about a bottle of Champagne that John had brought over. He had often spoken about bondage and I had always taken it in jest, but assured him that I was not interested in the least and made this perfectly clear in a humorous manner . But on his return from his weekend jaunt, he had bought with him sexy underwear and a bottle of champagne, placing the bottle of champagne on the top shelf , and proceeding to suggest that this was an incentive to take part in bondage. I laughed and said you must be joking and he said no I’m not I'm deadly serious. I got annoyed.

 This disturbed me as I had always taken it in jest and I realised how wrong i’d been. Caroline then proceeded to ask me about Lindsay. I said that I hadn’t seen her lately. John had insinuated that there were things going on upstairs which were untoward. He often used to be disrespectful about Lindsay. I suppose because I confronted him about the situation in the garden, as Lindsay has an adolecesant daughter there was often loud music upstairs, he would imply things. I know this is a general statement but what else can I say. This had previously been mentioned in Caroline and Mike’s company and John had mentioned something to do with turnstiles. Caroline mentioned this and I said to her I don’t know she has company but John said there might be more to it .

 I had previously had conversations with my family about this and basically I think he was taking advantage of, or purposely said things to make me think something was going on. I think if things had been different Lindsay and I would have been quite friendly, but because of certain things that had been said it was very hard for me to relax and on reflection she was probably trying to do me a favour earlier on in the year, but again I consulted family and of course John and was advised she was probably jealous and by John that she was unhinged which I knew was not true, as in my case.

 In September John asked me when I was getting a divorce. He had previously made it clear that he didn’t want to move in and I asked him why. He said he was just curious. I said “it would be at least two years”, so he said “you might as well not get divorced at all” so I said “why” he didn’t answer, I proceeded to explain about the complications of the access form which accompanies a divorce form saying “that if Mark got access to Joe he would be brain damaged in six months”

 John used to go away every weekend and never invited me and Joe and although he was helpful he wasn’t really good for Joe. He used voice control to discipline Joe which was very effective, but didn’t interact with him on a social level, which was beginning to show in Joe’s confidence and although Joe needed discipline John was too hard on him. There wasn’t an even balance in his attitude towards him. In a way it suited me that he wasn’t close to Joe. I suppose because of the past experience and although I felt Joe was safe with John, I felt that we had been together long enough for John to get used to Joe and as he was part of my life should be fully considered by John and wasn’t. I thought that time would cure this, but obviously it didn’t. So I decided to finish with John. I phoned him and told him it wasn’t working. He said we would talk about it when he came back after the weekend.

 On his return he brought with him a microwave. I had mellowed over the weekend and although I still felt it wasn’t right, he seemed to brush things over. I said he was too hard on Joe and that Joe needed balanced behaviour from him and he said he would alter his behaviour towards him. I said you are not really the parent type and he said but Joe is part of you and I have to accept that if I want to see you. I still felt it wasn’t going to work but I let the week go on. John was edgy.

 I phoned Caroline and Mike to have a word with them and ask Caroline to bring her ‘Next’ catalogue over so I could look at it. Caroline was out and Mike answered the phone. I asked Mike if he could ask Caroline to bring the catalogue over. He said he would. Then he asked me what John and I had had a row about and I told him exactly what had happened. He said that John Was too hard on Joe and that I had done the right thing, then he asked if he could come over. I said he could and within ten minutes he was knocking at the door. He sat down and said to me that John was too hard on Joe and that he didn’t know the full facts but I had done the right thing. He was extremely nervous and kept looking at the front door. He told me that if anything was said about him being round he had dropped a Christmas card off. He left.

 Over the Christmas I went to my parents and for the New Year my parents went to my sister’s in Dagenham. I could have gone but didn’t want too because of obvious reason i.e. bumping into Mark who did still visit my sister on occasion. Friends came to me for New years Eve but left New Years day. Just after new year the phone rang . It was Mike. He asked me if I had heard from John and I said no. He again said that John had been too hard on Joe and I agreed. He then said sadistic more like and I said “I wouldn’t go as far as to say that”. Then he said don’t go back with him trace, if you do Joe will be a blithering idiot by the time he is 16” and don’t phone him, don’t phone him today or tomorrow don’t phone him ever and if you do you’ve only got your self to blame. If it was just you it wouldn’t matter but you have Joe. I can’t believe he’s done this. I said I had no intention of phoning him and he invited me over for New Years Eve. Just before we finished our conversation he said again don’t phone him trace. Ill see you New Years Eve.

 I felt very apprehensive. Somehow I really didn’t feel that John was sadistic, although he was hard on Joe. He never physically punished him, which I wouldn’t allow anyway, but his tone of voice was very harsh and cold. I took Mike’s statement about ‘blithering idiot’, as meaning Mark would get him. It seemed too close to the comment I’d made to John earlier in the month. I was beginning to get very unnerved by all this and I thought back to what had been said to me in 1995, by Mark's friend John. But somehow I found it hard to believe that there could be a connection, although at times John had made gestures and said a few things which made me wonder and which I had put down to a good sense of observation coupled with a gift for mimicking. He had asked to see my wedding video and I assumed he had gained these gestures from this and anyway why would someone who was a threat to me purposely do this, surely they would hide anything that would make me suspicious and this is how I justified these actions as just a way of making me think and unnerving me.  

I didn’t go to Mike and Caroline’s for new year. Instead my friend Sharon who i’d met at the refuge came up and stayed for new year.  

It was a lonely New Year for me. My mum and dad had gone down to Dagenham to my sisters. I had the opportunity to go but because I thought Mark might turn up there I decided not to accept the invitation. I was right to do so because just as I thought he visited them.  

Just after New Year Mike phoned me. He told me that John had just left his place and was on his way to mine to collect a TV he had loaned me. My TV had suddenly lost its colour and become a strange tinge of monochrome which hurt my eyes, so John had arranged for me to borrow Treavors (who he worked for). Mike said he had told John that we had spoken. He seemed very concerned. I detected an element of fear in Mikes voice, but didn’t really see the reason for this. John arrived, took the telly and a few things he had left and went. He asked me to let him know when his parcel arrived. He had ordered a Valve of some sort that he needed for Scuba diving which hadn’t arrived. I also told him I would collect the books i’d borrowed from him, from my parents house and phone him when I’d done so.

 I phoned him about three days later to let him know I’d got the books. He acted as if he had forgotten who I was and quickly ended the conversation and put the phone down. This obviously puzzled me. 

I considered dropping the books off at Mikes but thought why should I. Then I received a call from him saying he would call round after he had finished work, but I was taking my mum shopping and couldn’t really avoid this so I told him I would be out and I’d call him when I was in. He seemed hesitant and again asked if he could pop round from work. He would only be a few minutes, but I was on my way out the door so I again said I would call him.  

He sounded a lot more civil than before and almost happy. I phoned him at home from Tesco’s to let him know I would be home shortly if he wanted to pick the books up. Again he was very curt on the phone acting as if he had to think before he knew who I was. I put this down to the fact that he might have someone else and that it was an awkward situation for him. He asked me to phone him when I arrived home. As I was leaving the car park I saw Caroline. She looked as though she was looking for someone, then she caught sight of the car and immediately came over to me banging the bonnet with her hand and saying “Oh Darling” but she then stopped in her tracks. My Aunt Bett had come shopping with me and Caroline seemed to be apprehensive of the fact that someone was with me. She came up to my window and asked me how I was and then said you will have to come over. It seemed that she wanted me to go there and then but I couldn’t because I had to drop my Aunt and the shopping off. I said that perhaps when Joe was at Nursery I would come over and she said bring Joe with you . On reflection I think Caroline wanted to tell me something important. I have no rock solid reason to believe this but something tells me she was concerned for me. 

That night I hesitated in phoning John. I had to go over to my parents, on the way back I stopped and phoned John from a phone box to let him know that I would be in and he could collect his books. 

He arrived some time later. His manner offiish and rather blazay. I offered him a drink, he refused, he collected some tools from the outside cupboard and a few things from the kitchen, and then changed his mind about the drink. I made the drink and he sat down. We chatted about what had happend over christmas and his attitude was of disinterest. I asked him how he felt about the situation and he said that I was jealous. I found this a bit of an odd thing to say as, how could I be jealous of something that didn’t hold any truth or creadence. I didn’t comment on this, proceeded to apologise for my behaviour which was out of character. I had never before acted in such a direct manner but then again I had never experienced anything as absurd as this before. He drank his tea and in a stilted manner almost as if he was playing a part left asking me to phone him when I received his parcel from Sea and Sea, a company that deals with equipment for scuba diving. He emphazised the date which the package was supposed to have arrived, which was before Christmas and said he would re order it as it had obviously not been sent so I was to expect it in the near future. After he had gone I realised that by rights he should have had it re addressed to his address. 

I was relieved when he had gone. I don’t exactly know why, all the time he was there I felt I had to act in an expected manner, because of what Mike had said to me, this was almost an instinct which I didn’t understand at the time, all I knew was that something was amiss and I did not know all the facts. I became upset which was a mixture of relief and apprehension. 

I received a call from a friend a few days later. She mentioned she had told another friend of mine that I was concerned about what Mike had told me. I hushed her on the phone feeling that it was not a good idea to talk about the situation. No sooner had I put the phone down then it rang. I picked the phone up and a voice said ‘right when the parcel arrives phone me at work’ I said ‘hello who’s that and he said John in an a matter of fact manner so I said OK and we finished the call. This unnerved me. His manner was exact and very direct. 

A few days later the parcel arrived. I did not do anything at first, trying to think of the best way of delivering it to him. I decided to take it to Mike and Carolines which is what I did. The first thing that was asked was where was Joe. I explained he was with my parents. There was no mention of our conversation or of the situation at the car park. I sat and had a drink. We briefly spoke about New Year and Mike wondered what was in the package.  

He emphazised he did not want to talk to John. My car was not running very well so Mike then went out to see it he could find the problem. I briefly spoke to Caroline about the situation with Joe and his father, then Mike returned. I went to leave and Caroline followed me to collect the package which was in the boot of the car.  

All names in this account have been changed for legal reasons.

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