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file number 18 in our series

"New Users & Chemical Fun"

by GREAT ONE

released on the 5rd day of July, in the year of 1992

'DA' DISCLAIMER:
We take no blame or hold no responsibility for any acts carried out whether
suggested, implied, or inspired by this text. This should be used for
informational purposes only. We ask that this file be uploaded around in
its original unedited form ONLY.

Once again, after a long dark period of time, the
Mindless Mayhem team has come out with another text file. I am sorry
that is has been such a long time since our most latest release, but we
too have social lives and do not live in front of the computer screen.
The times that we HAVE had the time to write, we have had no idea on
what to write about. Since we are small, there are not too many ideas
floating around. Right now, I am writing this as I think it out, and I
probably won't edit out the errors later on. But hey, who cares, as
long as it's fun reading, right? -- Great One

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This file is not a typical mayhem file. Instead, I have decided
to share the wealth of information I learn from my new users. Current
users on my board (and I am sure of countless others) know of the Good
SysOp's plight to rid the world (or her/his BBS) of the lousy, no good,
stupid new users, thoughtfully coined as 'Fuckheads' from one of the
users on my system. In this file, we shall go into the mind of one of
these 'Fuckheads' and see what that person is really thinking.

I will start out with the lowliest form of new user, one that
has no name or classification. I'm sure you know the type. They are
the ones that could quite possibly be the jocks at school or the
dunces at work that sit and drool and manage a few "Whuh?"'s and
grunts every now and then when talked to. These new users are the ones
that have a bit of difficulty actually logging on new, let alone
figuring out how to go about doing it.

Here is a rough sample of the shuttle log-on screen that I have:

(L)ogon to BBS (Shuttle Password is required)
(A)pply to BBS as a New User
($) Check for validation (also find out Shuttle Password)
(T)oggle ANSI ON/OFF
(C)hat with SysOp
(N)ote to SysOp
(G)oodbye, and logoff

Amazing as it is, people hit 'L' and type in "NEW" as the
shuttle password, when it clearly says that the 'A' key will allow you
to log on as a new user! The more intellectually inclined of these may
enter THEIR OWN PASSWORD, thinking it will open the Magic Door and
allow them into the deep recesses of my computer. I think not!
After they get hung up for repeated illegal log-on attempts,
they usually call back (but not always, for such work is tedious and
sweaty) and try it again. The top 10% of these manage to discover the
wonderful world of the other commands, such as trying to discover the
password under another users account, toggling ansi on and off, trying
to send me mail, even though there is no account for them to do that
with. Eventually, they discover the 'A' key and press it.
After pressing the 'A' key, there is a long list of things I had
to say that rarely any of them ever read. Because of this, many do not
get considered for access, which is really no major loss to the new
user pool. Those that do read some of it get to enter their handle,
and the ordinary new user procedures continue.
Everything works out pretty well until it asks what city they
are from. Most of the time, they will be co-operative, and enter a
city that at least SOUNDS real, like the ficticious town of "Danville"
that some of my users use. However, some try to be cute and use "Hell"
or "Heaven" or "MetallicaRULZEZ!!!!!!!!!!1111" or something stupid like
that. They usually get warned to change it (assuming they get in), so
I am sort of nice.
Then, there's the 'Where did you get the humber from?' part.
Many, many different answers are placed here. Such good ones are:
Friend, A BBS List, a board that I call, had the number, copy of telix
I downloaded, etc. THIS TELLS ME A WHOLE LOT!
When asked to explain, they say that their friend gave them the
number, and that his name is Joe. Well, how many people in my user log
have the name Joe? Got me, I'm not going to count and guess which Joe
it was that gave him the number.
Which BBS list? They don't know, it was just this list at work
or school or from some board. It could have been the Stillwaters BBS
listing for all I know! Not nearly good enough of a reply!
A board that you call? I call boards too! As a matter of fact,
all of them have NAMES, including the one that you are applying to!
New Users tend to have this idea that us SysOp's are All Knowing. This
is true. We are All Knowing. But what it is we all know is something
you don't. And we know that if you don't give us the info, that you
all won't get access. So other than knowing that, we are pretty
limited unless we call all over the place and know where you call, etc.
You have to give the board's name and number, or at least the NAME!
Some SysOp's (such as myself) cringe at the thought of people handing
out the number to whomever asks for it. So the NAME would probably fit
best.
You had the number? And how did you come across it in the first
place? Were you a user here with a different handle? WHAT?
You got the number off of TELIX? Since when did people zip
their terminal program and upload it for credit, with numbers and
passwords in tact? That is new to me. It never would have ever dawned
on me that people would get so desperate for credit that they would
send up copies of the software they use along with the BBS numbers in
them.
Next, we have the QUESTIONAIRRE! This is long and hard (not a
pun, or in reference to anything or anyone) and most people do not
finish it (here at least. I think I have the only board with a 20
minute long questionairre in the 708/312 area). But do they call back
to leave a new user letter? NO! Let's let the sysop guess about the
guy! If he doesn't care enough to call back and ask for access, then
too bad. I've noticed people have applied weeks after they've done it
because I don't go through the user log EVERY DAY just for fun! When
you have users in the triple digits, it gets tiring and the fun it once
was to flip through the listing becomes a drag.
But back to my questions from hell, people actually think that
they will get in by answering 'Who Carez d00d' or 'I dunno, but I got
some cool gamez for you if you let me in', or even blank lines. Just
the other day, some guy logged on new, and left the ENTIRE
questionairre blank. Sure, I don't care if you skip a few. BUT THE
WHOLE THING? Hahah, very funny. But there are some good responses
from the general pool of new users. For example:
o THG = The Huge God
o BBS = Bullatian Bored system
o MODEM = ?
o PKWare = I thought it was PKUNZIP
o CPS = Cool, personified sysops, like the one here
Like I believe that! I don't mind the people guessing, but you
know the saying (and if you don't, you will in a moment), "It is better
to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and
remove all doubt." People can probably use that argument against me,
but we won't go into that. . .

OK, so the new user finally finishes and gets access. He calls,
and by chance, I happen to be watching since it is BBS Prime time, in
the late evening. He aborts all news. He skips the news section.
Skips the bulletins. Aborts the main menu. Hit's "F" and then scans
the new files. WHAT A COOL GUY! I really want him here! And then, as
if magic, he hangs up. What? He scans for new files and hangs up? He
is now a newly deleted user.
There are those few that manage to get the "F" in so fast it
does something he doesn't want, like list the most wanted "F"iles in
the bulletin section. Darn! Serves 'em right.
Some of the new users aren't like that at all. They read the
news. They read the opening message base. Look at some bulletins.
Look at the main menu. And look at the main menu. Look some more.
HELLO? ARE YOU THERE? The user seems to have lost all contact with
the outside world. True, the main menu is pretty, but not that pretty.
I am almost positive there is a command there somewhere that will run
something satisfactory for that user. For these types, I prefer the
"G"oodbye command, but it takes them some good time to discover that
the keyboard is used to select commands, and therefore let the board
log them off depending on how long they have been allowing their
keyboard to become drenched in drool.
Some of the really great users are the ones that try to chat
right away. Their chat topics are fascinating. For example: How old
are you? mY NAIME IS gEORGE AND I LOIKE STRAWBERRIES!!!!!!!!!1121`#~
Are you male or female? What files do you have?
Things like that. What I think is REALLY cool is when they scan
the files, and find something they want. They try to download it, but
can't, because they do not have the credit to do so. So what do they
do? They try to page the SysOp and use a inconspicuous topic like "How
about them Bulls?"
LIKE WE DON'T KNOW THEY WANT FILE POINTS! Who are they trying
to kid? Not all SysOps are warm, kind, and giving. I merely laugh at
them and talk about them to other users in the message base, which
these new users haven't even heard of. They learn about the message
base pretty quick when it comes to the Post-to-Call Ratio though!
Usually, they post messages with a stunning uniqueness found
only in those that care only about files. I've seen messages that
ranged from "Hi." and thats it, to "FUCK THE PCR RATIO!!!!!!!". Once
the SysOp reads these, something truly evil happens to that paticular
users account.
There is much more that can be said about new users. The New
User Password, for example, always seems to be their handle, at least
that's what they try to use, and try it more than once. There is also
the new user that doesn't get access, so they call the board and hang
up on it, and repeat that for a while. All I can say about that
is that I hope the call isn't local.

Note: entered in at 9:39pm 7-7-92

Guess what! A new user called and discovered that the board
was not accepting new users. So, he entered 'Fuck You Asshole' as the
shuttle password. Yes, he is, isn't he? He's a fuck, an asshole, and
doesn't know whom to direct his comments to. I wish I knew who he was
so I could tell you, but since the board doesn't take new users. . . He
didn't have a chance to fill out the app for me to tell you with. In
any case, I would have to say that trying 'fuck you asshole' would not
get you on ANY board, ANYWHERE, unless that happens to be the new user
password and the SysOp is in sixth grade. Why can't people be mature
about the whole thing? If the board isn't accepting new users, it's
not because we don't want that person in paticular, the board just
doesn't want any new users period! There's no need to swear and whine.
It won't get you in. -- Great One

If you haven't died of boredom yet, you may wish to continue
reading on. This part will not contain new users, their activity, or
their remarkable simularity with the Dani's of New Guiena (sp?). [The
Dani's are a simple tribe that live on agriculture and often fight with
other tribes by using harsh language. They do have bows and arrows,
but you have a better chance of obtaining a tank than they have of
hitting with one. They are crude and lousy shots. They also wear
gourds as crotch protection, and believe ducks are evil spirits. So
now you know a little more of the cultures around you] This section
contain more things along the lines of what to do during the month of
July, etc. Fun fun fun!

I am going to take for granted you have access to black powder
and such. Even if you don't, I'm sure you'll find it enjoyable all the
same.
Obtain some 35 mm roll film cases. These make great gunpowder
holders, or firework boxes, whatever you want to call them. Fill it
up, but not all the way, and put some wadding in. Punch a hole in the
top, feed a wick thru it, and then put that thru the wadding and into
the powder.
Now, get a roll of masking tape, or something that will hold,
like duct tape. Wrap and wrap and wrap [and if you are so inclined,
rap while you wrap] until its nice and thick. Then set it off where
ever you deem appropiate. Of course, it may be poor, or great, or
somewhere in between. It is not uncommon for the powder just to burn
and throw sparks, or to get a sonic boom that rattles the windows. It
all depends on what you do with it.
After you master that, it's time to add some stuff to the
container. If you have them, you may want to dismember the box of 40
or so saturn rockets, and place several in the container. When lit
(the wick leading into the container filled with gunpowder, silly!)
there *should* be a boom and the rockets will come soaring out in any
direction at all. You can cause panic with these things if you use
several and not warn anyone about what is about to happen.
Make sure you have packed the powder REAL good, or something
will happen as it did to me today. To make a long story short, I had
made 2/3 of a pound of gunpowder today {no easy task finding the kno3!
At least for me anyway. I seem to live in a chemical free environment}
Anyway, I used 1/3 of that in a small plastic [I know that was stupid]
container, and wrapped tape all around it, paper, more tape and more
tape. The container withstanded it all right. But the top melted as
soon as the wick hit the powder. Since it was free to do as it
pleased, it melted the container, burnt out the bottom of it, and left
me mighty anxious looking and jumping up and down swearing. So the
moral of this story is to use a REAL container and compact it 'til it
hurts!
With bottle rockets, you can do the same thing (use them as you
did the saturn rockets). You can also light them, hold on to them
until the last moment, and throw them up. They should go higher that
way. It may sound stupid, dull, and boring, but try it. It's not that
bad!

closing credits:

home board to Mindless Mayhem is
DESTINY KNIGHTS 7O8 3O7 3768
Leaders: Great One among others much less significant such as The Beastmaster
Holdings: Meager 24OO baud modem, 200 megs of hard drive capacity, several
hundred text files, plus ALL GREAT Mindless Mayhem releases

Note: We are not accepting New Users at
this time. This is to keep out
all of the 'fuckheads' that
seem to keep calling.
Have a Nice Day!

"Tu-tu was a race horse. Wun-wun was one, too. Tu-tu won a race one
day, and Wun-wun won one, too"

-EOF