"you can't spell deoxyribonucleic without unix!"
Net News: "An estimated 70 million Americans now use the Internet.
What do you call someone who's never experienced the full potential of
cyberspace? An AOL subscriber." (Ray)
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy"
"The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you
are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. " -- Sir
George Jessel
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another
theory which states that this has already happened. -- Douglas Adams, The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"Evil will always triumph over good, because good is dumb."
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on
your computer.
"I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they
don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out
all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a
cat."
- Jay Leno
We do not tolerate spies in the CIA or the military, and we will
not tolerate spies in the IRS.
-- Senate Intelligence Committee Chairman, Richard Shelby,
R-Ala., commenting on allegations of IRS officials snooping
on tax returns.
Even the NSA and CIA can't break into Compuserve's computers. I
understand it's because the computers are so old that nobody can
remember how to. -- Tim Wilson 1994
Even Microsoft couldn't build a successful markenting campaign
around the slogan: "Unlike the 50 million copies we've already
sold you, this version actually works!"
-- Paul Bonner, reviewing Win4.0
(or Chicago...or Win 95) 1994
I would hazard a guess that 90% of the compute cycles in the
world are used running screen savers...
-- Jim Gillogly, 8/17/95, on the Cypherpunks list
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a `C,' the idea must be feasible."
-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's
paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
-- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper."
-- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
-- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for
3-M "Post-It" notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, `Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or
we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come
work for you.' And they said, `No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard,
and they said, `Hey, we don't need you. You haven't gotten thru college
yet.'"
-- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari
and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction
and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react.
He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
-- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of
your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have
to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of
weight training."
-- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem
by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to
drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-
Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words,
there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but
government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
-- From an article on the growth of
federal regulations in the Oct.24th
issue of National Review
Make it easier to remember your password by choosig a code you
use already, i.e. a PIN number or birth date.
-- from the PacBell Message Center
(voice mail) brochure
Just this week we had an incident which provided a glaring
condemnation of how we are handling our Corporate information.
Sensitive U S WEST documents were thrown into a dumpster, where
it became public information. It wound up scattered around an
apartment complex... at least the parts of it that the finder
didn't want. We must realize that some things very close to us
are jeopardized when we are careless with our Corporate
information assets.
-- from the U S WEST Security IAP
Newsletter, which was found in a
dumpster.
"A personal computer user could never use this much power. This is overkill."
-A computer expert commenting on the introduction
of the Intel i80286 processor in 1985.
"A 1200 baud modem is one of the safest investments you could make at this
time. The typical phone line will never be able to carry more than this
high of a speed."
-Magazine quote, early 1980's
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with
the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that
won't last out the year."
-- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977
"This `telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as
a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"You're going to have to take those 14.4 modems off of your lines. They'll
burn them out... We only allow 2400 baud; we have 9600 baud lines but that'll
cost you..."
-USWest lineman
"There is no security on this earth; there is only opportunity."
- Douglas MacArthur
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981
"If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for the schoolchildren
of Texas." - Texas Gov. James Ferguson, 1917, explaining why he vetoed
a bill funding the teaching of foreign languages in Texas schools.
"Students today can't prepare bark to calculate their problems.
They depend upon their slates which are more expensive. What will
they do when their slate is dropped and it breaks? They will be
unable to write!" -Teachers Conference,1790
"Students today depend upon paper too much. They don't know how
to write on slate without getting chalk dust all over themselves.
They can't clean a slate properly. What will they do when they
run out of paper?" -Principals Association, 1815
"Students today depend too much upon ink. They don't know how to
use a pen knife to sharpen a pencil. Pen and ink will never
replace the pencil!" -National Association of Teachers, 1907
"Students today depend upon store bought ink. They don't know how
to make their own. When they run our of ink they will be unable
to write words or ciphers until their next trip to the
settlement. This is a sad commentary on modern education." -The
Rural American Teacher, 1929
"Students today depend upon these expensive fountain pens. They
can no longer write with a straight pen and nib (not to mention
sharpening their own quills). We parents must not allow them to
wallow in such luxury to the detriment of learning how to cope in
the real business world, which is not so extravagant." -PTA
Gazette,1941
"Ball point pens will be the ruin of education in our country.
Students use these devices and then throw them away. The American
virtues of thrift and frugality being discarded. Business and
banks will never allow such expensive luxuries." -Federal
Teacher, 1950
In 1926, Lee de Forest, the man who invented the cathode ray
tube, said, "While theoretically television may be feasible,
commercially and financially I consider it an impossibility, a
development of which we need waste little time dreaming."
In 1943, Thomas J. Watson, chairman of the board of IBM, said, "I
think there is a world market for about five computers."
In 1945, Admiral William Leahy told Persident Truman about the
atomic bomb: "This is the biggest fool thing we've ever done- the
bomb will never go off- and I speak as an expert on explosives."
A recording company that turned down the Beatles in 1962: "We
don't think they will do anything in their market. Guitar groups
are on their way out."
According to Business Week in 1968: "With over fifteen types of
foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry
isn't likely to carve out a big share of the market for itself."
Ken Olson, President, Chairman, and Founder of Digital Equipment
Corp. (DEC) was is quoted as saying in 1977 that "...there is no
reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
_______________________________________________________________
__
Thanks to Jim McCrory from NSULA (Northwestern State U of LA) for
passing on the following quotes to me.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5
tons."--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
science, 1949.
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and
talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data
processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor
in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
"But what . . . is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced
Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the
microchip.
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David
Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in
the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale
University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper
proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to
found Federal Express Corp.
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner
I can't believe they said that...
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I
have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could
converse with those people"
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they
take them off."
-Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the
Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president."
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
results."
-Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"It's like deja vu all over again."
-Yogi Berra
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"
-Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco
earthquake
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it."
-A congressional candidate in Texas
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I
have to beat somebody."
- Richard M. Nixon
"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the
environment. This is a good planet."
-Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a
million dollars.
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for
the killings? The killers are to blame."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues
behind the Los Angeles Riots
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
-Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real
money."
-Everett Dirksen
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
-Samuel Goldwyn
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother
and child. "
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from
them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the
Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public
mind."
-General William Westmoreland
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for
the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line
"a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be
cut right out from under your feet."
-Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
>
>
> "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the
>law."
> - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
> failed to pay his taxes.
>
>"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
> - Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer
> questions about the House Bank scandal.
>
>"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a
>speech." - Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President
> Bush wasn't
> following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of
> wetlands
>
>"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out.
> They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with
> their heads in a nodding position."
> - John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information,
> responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission
> inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on
> the job.
>
>"I didn't accept it. I received it."
> - Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan,
> explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two
> Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview
> for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
>
>"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I
> was flying made what I was doing spying."
> - Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets
> for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US
>
>"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the
>tapes." - President Richard Nixon
>
>"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
> your life."
> - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
> federal anti-smoking campaign
>
>"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
> - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
>
>"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress,
>especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
> - Vice-President Dan Quayle
>
>"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
>in the country."
> - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
>
>"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
>something else anyway."
> - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on
> chlordane
>
>
>"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
> discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you
> expired on January 1, 1976."
> - Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
>
>
>"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
> - John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an
> early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar"
>
>"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
> - Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
>
>"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make
>them unsafe."
> - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
>
>"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly
> underpolluted."
> - Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining
> why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries
>
>"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death
> penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President;
> hijackiing an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
> - Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
>
>"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal,
>the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of
> David Steele to the post."
> - Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode
> Island
>
>"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
> - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a
> ball in the 1934 World Series
>
>.
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed
to pay his taxes.
"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
-- Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions
about the House Bank Scandal.
"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
-- Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't
following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.
"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They
had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in
a nodding position."
-- John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding
to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden
Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.
"I didn't accept it. I received it."
-- Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining
the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists
after he helped arrange a private interview for them with Nancy Reagan.
"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was
flying made what I was doing spying."
-- Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for
spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.
"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
-- President Richard Nixon
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal
anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially
members of the House and members of the Senate."
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the
country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something
else anyway."
-- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
-- Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator.
"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued ...
it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976."
-- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's
history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential
candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of
the Holocaust.
"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
-- John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early
seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar".
"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
-- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
unsafe."
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly
underpolluted."
-- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we
should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty
for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an
airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
-- Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele
to the post."
-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode Island.
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
-- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in
the 1934 World Series.
>>
>> "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on,
>> but they take them off."
>> -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company
>> charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of
>> pliers.
>>
>> "The President has kept all of the promises he intended to
>> keep." -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry
>> King Live
>>
>> "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our
>> papers. We are the president."
>> -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
>> documents
>>
>> "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason
>> Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
>>
>> "When more and more people are thrown out of work,
>> unemployment results."
>> -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
>>
>> "It's like deja vu all over again."
>> -Yogi Berra
>>
>> "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former
>> French President Charles De Gaulle
>>
>> "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
>> jack*ss, and I'm just the one to do it."
>> -A congressional candidate in Texas
>>
>> "It is necessary for me to establish a winner image.
>> Therefore, I have to beat somebody."
>> -Richard M. Nixon
>>
>> "A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up
>> to real money."
>> -Everett Dirksen
>>
>> "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
>> -Samuel Goldwyn
>>
>> "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away
>> from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new
>> land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for
>> themselves." -John Wayne
>>
>> [Editor's Note: I really hope that the John Wayne comment is
>> urban legend. Or, perhaps, someone accidentally, er,
>> *lopped* off the "Bobbitt." ;-) ]
>>
>> "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -Philadelphia
>> Phillies manager Danny Ozark
>>
>> "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
>> public mind."
>> -General William Westmoreland
>>
>> "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter
>> will be cut right out from under your feet."
>> -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
>>
>>------------------------------
"I'd rather have a hot poker in my eye than have an airport
named after him." The National Air Traffic Controllers Association's
Randy Schwitz, on plans to rename Washington, D.C's, National
Airport after former president Ronald Reagan.
1. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it.
-- Franklin P. Jones
2. Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first
time, you can walk on them for 20 years.
--Bugs Burger
3. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises
some pretty good questions. --Woody Allen
4. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the
courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of
those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
5. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers. --Sickboy
6. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific. --Jane Wagner
7. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing;
3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Harvard psychology professor in a neuropsychiatry intro course
8. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde
9. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to
do the unnecessary. --Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
10. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown
11. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
12. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from
the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so. --Douglas Adams
13. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important
that
you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money.
What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
14. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
15. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
16. Her kisses left something to be desired...the rest of her.
--Bugs Burger
17. Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired
book that is admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
18. Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare, nor
well done.
19. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
20. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've
got it made.
21. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
22. "The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never
worshipped anything but himself." -- Sir Richard F. Burton
------------------------------
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
--Robin Williams
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where
I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house
and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken.
Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they
would only play with each other."
--Rita Rudner
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.
We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.
One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I
already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
--Yakov Smirnoff
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope
not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
--Larry Miller
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow
learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it."
--Steven Wright
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast."
--Johnathan Katz
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
--Marilyn Pittman
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother
is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my
sister's house and ask her for money." --Kevin Meaney
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied
in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too." --Jake Johansen
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita
Rudner
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat.
That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying
to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in
a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do
tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
That's why you should never date a baseball player." --Marsha Warfield
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else." --Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita
Rudner
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and
Gomorrah an apology." --Jay Leno
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past
me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the
toe clippers right here.' " --Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
learner." --Lynda Montgomery
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead." --Johnny Carson
"If God dropped acid, would he see people?" --Steven Wright
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni
Any girl can be glamourous. All you have to do is stand still
and look stupid.
-- Hedy Lamarr
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country.
-- Elayne Boosler
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-- Gilda Radner
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose
around your neck?
-- Linda Ellerbee
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
camera and come help me."
-- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to
listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they'= re
eating sandwiches."
-- Jim Carrey
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork. God has spoken.
Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
-- Jon Stewart
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans
were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting
yourself in the head to stop your headache."
-- Jack Mayberry
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
-- Elayne Boosler
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
-- Bob Ettinger
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span
and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a
congressman."
-- Bruce Baum
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
-- Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
-- Rita Mae Brown
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of
the body before you do the wash."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
to kill you too."
-- Jake Johansen
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
-- Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss
Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner."
-- Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
-- Paul Rodriguez
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
--Marilyn Pittman
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
--Robin Williams
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance
pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is
attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout.
That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
to kill you too."
--Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
--Garry Shandling
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has
spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart
everybody?"
--Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do
tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to
be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
--Jack Mayberry
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on
myself."
--Judy Tenuta
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabetsoup?"
--John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they
would only play with each other."
--Rita Rudner
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span
and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a
congressman."
--Bruce Baum
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha Warfield
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.
One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years
old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
--Drew Carey
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I
already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
--Yakov Smirnoff
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
--Bill Maher
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing
and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."
--Bob Saget
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah
an apology."
--Jay Leno
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away."
--Billiam Coronell
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope
not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
--Larry Miller
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.' "
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead."
--Johnny Carson
"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?"
--John Mendoza
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum
"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"
--Steven Wright
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast."
--Johnathan Katz
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
--Lily Tomlin
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni