I Dream of Janeane

It's a Sunday afternoon in post-blizzard January and we're at the Corner Bistro. As Janeane and I settle into a sunny booth in the back, she tells me that she's really hungover. I can't say I'm surprised. This comedienne and actress has a bad girl rep for being a major-league drinker. No pussy-footin' around. She tells me she was up until 6 am the night before at the Saturday Night Live post-party. She tells me she did nine shots. That's nine to you and me. Now I am surprised. How can a pixie of a gal (5' 3" and downright petite) have done 9 shots last night and lived to tell about it? But more to the point, I thought she hated SNL. I ask her if I can get her anything from the bar, and she asks for water. Foiled again. I was so sure she'd want a hair of the dog. I return from the bar with a soda for me and two pints of water for her. She says thanks and smiles. Her eyes and skin are clear. She is relaxed and comfortable. For someone who looks like shit, she looks great. But it's more than looks. She is grounded. She's sure. And as I learn, she's not as much of a bad girl as I thought.

What is your worst vice, the one that you don't like?

Over-reacting. Cynically overreacting to the negative. Everything is the worst case scenario, everything's a crisis.

Is it magnified when you have your period?

No, it has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with whether I'm working or not. If I'm working on a project and I am content with work then everything's OK. If I am not working or if the project sucks then everything is a major bummer.

Where are you now? Are you in a good place?

Actually, better today than yesterday. I'm starting a new relationship.

Are you over The Weirdness yet?

We're getting there. We're in the Everything's Awkward stage and dying to get to The Great Part. And I don't even know why I think it's there; I just assume it's there. Right now it's better. Going on 6 months of knowing the person, maybe 2 months of moving into another phase, and last night I finally came clean about a lot of stuff that was making me feel insecure.

Which is so scary...

Which was scary to do and I thought to myself, "You know what? You're gonna have to take this risk here and say all these things that are making you uncomfortable and risk that maybe this person will flee." But I refuse to keep operating at a deficit in this relationship, so I told him and it worked out fine... I think.

It's so dangerous.

I know, and it's such a waste of precious time to worry about stuff like this -- and that's another vice of mine: I wish I didn't waste so much time worrying about relationship bullshit. It's just so banal.

And it's consuming...

It's all-consuming. It's amazing how affairs of the heart are all-consuming.

Why is it that way for women and not that way for men?

I don't know. I think it's case by case, though, 'cause I've got a couple of guy friends who are just the same. I don't know, though. I wish I could answer why it drives me crazy 'cause I feel like it's such a waste of my day.

And if it's lousy outside, I wish I were with him watching a trashy movie and if it's great weather I wish we were out walking around Central Park.

Yeah, that's how I feel, too. And then I think, why do I feel like no matter what, I'd like to just sit in a room with this person, and I get the sense that he doesn't?

Yes! [we laugh] "Why do I feel this is not mutual?"

Yeah.

It's a horrible feeling and I don't know if I'm making it up or just sensing what's correct.

Or like last night. We had a great time last night, we had a lot of fun, so I guess that guarantees that I won't be seeing him tonight. The "one day on, one day off" syndrome.

Because Saturday was the day...

And Sunday's not. You'd love to just spend Sunday night with the person doin' nothing, going out to get dinner.

Or even reading... he could be at the other end of the room...

Yes, exactly. And how do you say that to the person without sounding like a freak?

Or "needy."

Because, the more that you need, the more that you're guaranteeing they're gonna pull away. Even if they wanted to give it to you; if you ask for it, they're not gonna give it to you.

Right. [we both pause] OK, this is really fun. [we laugh] Is sex a vice?

No, but it's something I always wind up feeling guilty about for some strange reason. It's shouldn't be bad at all. I don't know what fucked-up problem I've got, but I always feel like I'm doing it wrong, I could do better. All I do is think I'm just not doing it right. I'm just assuming my partner's not enjoying himself.

In your HBO special, which by the way was tremendous...

Thank you.

...I've described to my girlfriends the bit where you say, "Have you ever been having sex and wanted to punch the guy in the face and shout, 'Stop fucking me!'?" They all laughed and agreed. Did you have any idea you'd hit a nerve?

I didn't know it until I said it and got the feedback, because I was just screwin' around, I ad-libbed that. I had the thing in my mind about having sex and wanting to punch him in the face, and that came from one of my ex-boyfriends. There was one time that we were having sex and I remember I was mad at him because earlier in the evening I was eating Ben & Jerry's ice cream out of the container with a spoon and he took it away from me and he said, "You don't want to finish that." And I was so mad. I thought, "you have no right to say that to me!" and also, "if we're supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, you should say to me, 'you know what, if you ate 15 of those, I'd still think that you were the greatest.'" So, I was seething, and that's where that came from.

Do you think you sabotage relationships?

Yes, I do. I have successfully sabotaged every single relationship.

Really? You, single-handedly?

Me, single-handedly. And I've even manipulated it to look like it was his doing.

Have you found there's a point at which you switch into sabotage mode?

Yes. About six months in.

No matter where you've evolved to at this point? Like a time-release thing?

Maybe it's a year sometimes, but it's when I start going, "I'm getting bored..."

Like, this guy's not funny enough or clever enough?

Yeah, even if he was originally. And I think, "I need that buzz, I need that drug of a new crush," 'cause it is like a drug, and that's when I start shifting gears, turning shields up and I totally fuck people over so bad. That's my worst vice, let's go with that: that I have the ability to really fuck guys in my life over, and it takes a while for me to feel the appropriate amount of guilt. I do feel it and I'm the loser in the end, which is fair, but what I feel is going to happen to me is that I'm gonna get it big time. I've got one coming to me bad. I'm due. In fact, I think this guy who I've just started seeing now is gonna be it. I just have the feeling that he has the ability to be more aloof than I.

Because he's more self-confident?

Yeah.

I hate that.

He's got much more inner reserve and strength and he's got a quality of "if I don't see ya..."

"See ya when I see ya."

Yeah.

Hate that. "You should want to see me voraciously. You should desire me and call me up from time to time and tell me you're thinking of me."

Exactly. [laughter]

When men and women are not getting along, do you think there's one basic fundamental difference responsible?

Not to generalize, but I would say that I guess the majority of women just tend to feel things more acutely emotionally than men do. I think that without meaning to, men will be very negligent and insensitive and they have no idea they're doing it. Like tonight I'll go back to my hotel room and check my phone service like a mad woman, and every time the woman says, "You have NO new messages," it's like getting slapped in the face, and how would he know that? That's not his responsibility.

I'd like to do a little word association with your career: The Stand-Up Years...

I'm thrilled that it lead me on the path that it's taken me on. I'm really glad I did it and I'm glad I started as early as I did.

WHich was how old?

20. I was in college.

"The Ben Stiller Show"...

Hands down, the best job I ever had. That came when I was 27, and I met Ben at a deli, and he had a deal with Fox and he asked me if I wanted to do the show. And he believed in me, for whatever reason. All he knew of me was as a stand-up; he didn't know if I could act or anything. I didn't know if I could, either. But we did it for one season. Got canceled.

"Reality Bites"...

I was 29, and that was my first movie. A very positive experience -- it was fun. The only bummer was that we were in Houston in the valley and every day was 105 degrees. That was the only negative thing.

"Saturday Night Live"...

Once of the worst experiences I've ever had. One of the worst things for my ego, for my self-esteem, for my person. I have yet to figure out what the gain in that was. The only positive thing that came out of it was some of the friends I've made, but even that -- I think I might have met them anyway. I don't know what the point of that suffering was. If they had their druthers over at SNL, there would be no women at all. In the old days the cast was only 6 or 7 people, so the women got a lot of stage time, but when I was there, the cast was 15 people. There was no point to having me there. I don't know why I was asked to do it, I don't know why I said yes, I'm glad I quit, thank God I quit, I just wish I knew what the fuck that was all about -- why I took that journey.

"The Larry Sanders Show"...

Great experience. Working with Gary is always a blast. Great guy. Wonderful guy. I actually don't know that I want to go back for a 5th season, 'cause I think 4 was enough. But it depends on what I'm doing.

Do you have anything on your plate now that you can talk about?

I've got two movies coming out in April. One's called "The Truth About Cats and Dogs" and the other one's called "Large As Life."

How were those experiences?

"Truth About Cats and Dogs" was a horrible experience, absolutely unrelentingly horrible. "Large as Life" was a blast.

Why was "Cats and Dogs" horrible?

The script changed constantly for the worse and I had no control. I was not allowed to put my two cents in at all.

And why was the other one so great?

'Cause of Bill Murray. He makes every day fun. I have a very minor part and was just there to have fun, whereas in "Cats and Dogs" I had the main part and I still had no say in what was going on, and every day was worse than the last.

You recently lost weight. How much, how and why?

I lost 30 lbs. I don't eat after 5pm. Isn't that queer? It's that simple, but the thing is that I don't go to bed until like 3am so I smoke a fuck of a lot of cigarettes and drink a lot of liquor. Now more than ever. It's an experiment. What happened was, I realized I hadn't worked since "Sanders" wrapped, which is going on 3 months now, and I just bought a co-op which was a substantial chunk of my nest egg, if not the entire nest egg. So I was complaining to my agent and my agent said, "Look, I hate to break it to you, but I gotta tell you, a lot of times when you audition, it's not your audition that they're not hiring you for, it's you. If you want to play hardball, if you want to be in this game, then you're gonna have to lose weight. I'm sorry." And I said, "OK, let's see if I get more talented." And what has changed is I am now auditioning for different types of parts. I always used to audition for the friend, and now I'm actually going in to read for people's wives and girlfriends, and I'm like, "Oh, I see, I am now more talented somehow. Talented enough to play the wife rather than the roommate." And no one has said anything outright, but it's just changed. I get different offers now.

Do you feel like you're compromising yourself now?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Do you have any good girlfriends?

Oh, many. Yeah.

Do you trust women?

Oh, absolutely. I don't trust women who say they don't. I don't understand at all when women say, "I dont get along well with other women." "What?! What are you talking about?" First of all, you sound like a traitor, and second of all, I think you think it makes you seem daring or interesting to say it, and third of all, it's either you don't get along with assholes or non-assholes, it's not men or women. I've never understood it when women say that. What the fuck? You've just knocked 50% of the population.

Do you think you'll ever get married and have kids?

Married, no. Kids, yes. I would like to adopt. Again, that's part of this money thing. I need money to get some kids. [laughter] I can't adopt kids if I don't have enough money to put away for them.

That's weird, because I think about my savings as for my kids in my possibly single parenthood situation...

Yeah, that's how I see it too. If there's someone in my life at the time, great, but that's not a goal.

I wonder if other women our age think along the same lines.

Probably, if we do. But that's what my nest egg, which has been depleted from this apartment purchase, is for. So I've got to work to put money back in for my kids.

Do you know how many you want to have?

Two or three girls. By the time I'm 37, I would at least like to have one kid adopted. But, financially, if it's not working out, then it's not going to work out.

Well, they say if you wait until you can afford kids, you'll never have them.

Right. But at least I should have more than I do now. You don't want to adopt a kid and put them in a situation where they're worse off than they were.

Have you ever been happy?

Sure.

When are you happiest?

Right after my coffee.

So, it's the little moments.