Fifty priests died in a bus accident. Saint Peter met them at the pearly gates and said, "to save time, I'm going to ask only one question. Which of you has ever been involved in a homosexual relatinship?"

The priests kicked the dirt and mumbled. Eventually, 49 of them raised their hand.

"okay," Saint Peter said," off to hell with you then. And take that deaf bastard with you."

haha. Amusing.

Lets make this a "religious jokes" thread.

What is the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne comes on your face after you're 13. http://www.totse.com/bbs/biggrin.gif (http://www.totse.com/bbs/biggrin.gif)



How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her as the altar boy. http://www.totse.com/bbs/biggrin.gif (http://www.totse.com/bbs/biggrin.gif)



Three student priests in the seminary/priest-training school are taking their final practical exams before they are can be admitted to the priesthood and are allowed to serve as such. Today is the sexual self-control test and the Bishop has brought in a stripper to test the student priests' celibacy vows. He ties a bell to each student priest's cock and tells the hot stripper to do what she's paid for. She starts dancing and the first student priest's bell rings as he gets an erection. "Shame on you," says the Bishop. "Go to the showers in shame: you've failed this test!" The stripper keeps going; she's takes off her bra and the second priest's bell rings -- 'ding-ding.' "I thought you would pass this one," says the Bishop to the second student priest. "Go to the showers in shame." The stripper keeps going; she's completely naked and performing some erotic acts in front of the third and final remaining student priest. But no matter what raunchy things she does, his bell doesn't ring and he is completely flaccid. "Well done!" yells the Bishop. "You're the only one to pass this test! Congratulations. Now go and join your fellow student priests in the shower ... "

'Ding-ding-ding'



[This message has been edited by Mike Dogg (edited 09-11-2004).]

In Jerusalem, an American journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

In an effort to check out the story, the journalist goes to the holy site and there the rabbi is! The journalist watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, the journalist approaches him for an interview. "I'm Richard Noggin from CNN, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

For about 50 years, he informs the journalist.

"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a freaking wall."

A 9 year old kid gets hit by a bus.

He's dying.

A lady runs up and say's "Would you like me to get a priest!?"

The boy looks up and screams "HOW CAN YOU THINK OF SEX AT A TIME LIKE THIS!?"

ahahahahahahaahahahaah

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

Priests: Think they look cool in their priestly gowns, but I bet they never get laid.......................... by chicks.

quote:Originally posted by truckfixr:

In Jerusalem, an American journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

In an effort to check out the story, the journalist goes to the holy site and there the rabbi is! The journalist watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, the journalist approaches him for an interview. "I'm Richard Noggin from CNN, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

For about 50 years, he informs the journalist.

"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a freaking wall."

Haha, so true.....

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."



While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.



The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother !"

GOD created the earth and populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control and Man gained pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stents . . . And Satan created HMO's . . . .

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.

Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

http://www.totse.com/bbs/wink.gif (http://www.totse.com/bbs/wink.gif)

How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb ?



Charismatics:

Only one. Hands already in the air.

Roman Catholics:

None. They use candles.

Pentecostals:

Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians:

None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians:

Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.

Mormons:

Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians:

We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Baptists:

At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and one to bring a casserole.

Lutherans:

None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Methodists:

A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesn't backslide off the ladder and have to change it again.

quote:Originally posted by Digital_Savior:

[b]How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb ?

Baptists:

At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and one to bring a casserole.



Oh so true!! lol.

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood.

"Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

Just at that moment, the organist started playing, "The Star Spangled Banner."

20 Very Short Books



A Guide to Arab Democracies

A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman

Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

Career Opportunities for History Majors

Contraception by Pope John Paul II

Detroit - A Travel Guide

Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

Ethiopian Tips on World Domination

Everything Men Know About Women

French Hospitality

Bob Dole: The Wild Years

How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel

Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

Mormon Divorce Lawyers

One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

Popular Lawyers

Staple Your Way to Success

The Amish Phone Book

And: The Book of Virtues by Bill Clinton

quote: Detroit - A Travel Guide

what are you talking about?

we have a foot ball feild... and uhhh plants see it could take up a page... sirsouly though its really bad... though living here... its one of the better places

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS



* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

* Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

* The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

quote:Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Lame but RoFL!