My life has been going to shit lately. As some of you know, my parents fuck me over constantly, making my goal of moving out and becoming my own person impossible. They have 4000$ of debt (That I somehow picked up even AFTER they stole 5 grand from me) over my head with the threat of legal action if I fail to pay. Also, I must pay them rent every week, and it's so fucking high that I can't save up money to buy my own car, or get a place to live. So essentially, all this shit has driven me batty, driven me into depression, and taken a toll on my physical health due to distress. But, something happened today that did the fucking trick.

I was at work today, my two coworkers were fighting as always so I was stuck picking up their slack. I was holding a knife in my hand, thinking of whether or not I should go through with a longstanding plan of cutting my arm with it to get compensation pay and time off, or to simply stab my throat with it and end it all. I shut my eyes, thought to myself, "I need someone's help right now, or I'm offing myself."

After just a moment, a new thought spread into my mind, "No being, physical, spiritual, or divine, can help those who refuse to defy their troubles." I've been taking ALL this shit from my parents and essentially let them control my life, only becoming upset from it on the inside...well fuck that. It's time that I become my own god and defy all that tries to hold me down; I cannot rely on prayers, friends, family, the law, or any other entity to help with my problems. Sure, sometimes one person or another will help, but they can't always be there.

The fatal action that almost all humans take part in is that of reliance; as you rely on others, you begin to spiral into a hell of deep-seeded depression covered by the thickest shell of delusional complacency. All of this in some attempt to keep the mind from discovering how truly pathetic and frail you have become.

I broke through the facade I had put up. Aside from myself, there is not a single entity in all of existence that can do for me what I can. I must dominate the world as my own god, independent of others that may exist and fail to take action...no longer will I search, I have found my truth. Now, I shall control; not all that is, but atleast now, I shall control and support the most powerful and acting of gods: myself.

What kind of God gets depressed?

Dude, we're in the same situation. I can't move out because my mother confiscates any money I make because she's so far in debt.

And a lot of people sit back and say we're being push overs for letting our parents take all our money. But, don't you look at them and think

"Geez! If your mother needed money and asked you for it and you could give it, wouldn't you? Even if it meant a large sacrifice?"

At least that's what I always think. But, a lot of people have never had to want for money and therefore have never been in any position remotely close to ours.

But, on your note, I have found that blaming god for all the bad shit in your life is like blaming your parents for everything wrong in your life.: It's really easy and really convenient; because obviously they are the cause and they're always around to point a finger at.

The only problem with this is it gets you nowhere. It feels good at the moment, but it doesn't answer any questions and doesn't make anything better. So, eventually you just have to say

"Fuck it. My parents aren't up to my standards and niether is god. I guess I have too much integrity and I'm just wasting it being pissed at this world beneath me." It may be self riteous, but it makes you feel a lot better to think.

And isn't that was It's all about anyways?

Cheers,

Lost

Verily, Zarathustra's time upon this earth was wasted not!

quote:Originally posted by inquisitor_11:

What kind of God gets depressed?

I was nothing but a weakling who let others run my life for me...I'm ending that shit and getting on the path of my own life. I believe at the end of this path, when I have reached true internal and external freedom from the grasps of others, I will have come to possess the one trait that makes a god a god: I will not rely on anyone or anything but myself to get me through the journey of life and meet the ultimate goal of death.

It will be awhile before I'm my own god, I'm sure...defeating such an extraordinary foe as reliance is sure to be the most difficult task I have ever undertaken, but I'm sure it will lead to a better life than I could ever find while leaving my fate up to the mindless masses of humanity, or some being that I'm completely disinterested in the power of. I tell you this: No god, no matter how powerful or benevolent, can create the life that I strive for; nor can any man or woman; nor can any facet of nature. The internal workings of my mind, and the external workings of my body are all that I need to reach my goals. Sure, help is welcome. I will never deny it when offered...but to give up my own power and rely on the help of others is a foolish act that can only place me back into the hellish life I am leaving behind.

As the great ArmsMerchant says; Pain is mandatory, suffering is optional. Words to live by. I might as well hitchhike up to Alaska just to shake hands with the S.O.B.

ArmsMerchant is one of the wiser fellas I've met through totse...I love his little quips about life.

hex, good luck... just a quick bit of advice - grab on to your balls, and don't take your hands off for any of the inevitable heartbreak.

quote:Originally posted by inquisitor_11:

What kind of God gets depressed?

Fantastic point, Inquisitor.

*applauds*

Lost, you think you have more integrity than God ?

Hmmm..

It's no wonder you won't trust Him.

And to think: Revelation 3:20 -

"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me."

God loves you enough to EAT with you (all figurative, of course, but the meaning is almost inconceivable in it's purpose), and you think He is not worth your approval.

As for Hex, I have but one verse for you, darling: Genesis 4:7 - "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."

Chin up.

quote:Originally posted by Hexadecimal:

I was nothing but a weakling who let others run my life for me...I'm ending that shit and getting on the path of my own life. I believe at the end of this path, when I have reached true internal and external freedom from the grasps of others, I will have come to possess the one trait that makes a god a god: I will not rely on anyone or anything but myself to get me through the journey of life and meet the ultimate goal of death.

It will be awhile before I'm my own god, I'm sure...defeating such an extraordinary foe as reliance is sure to be the most difficult task I have ever undertaken, but I'm sure it will lead to a better life than I could ever find while leaving my fate up to the mindless masses of humanity, or some being that I'm completely disinterested in the power of. I tell you this: No god, no matter how powerful or benevolent, can create the life that I strive for; nor can any man or woman; nor can any facet of nature. The internal workings of my mind, and the external workings of my body are all that I need to reach my goals. Sure, help is welcome. I will never deny it when offered...but to give up my own power and rely on the help of others is a foolish act that can only place me back into the hellish life I am leaving behind.

I dunno, mate. I hate to be all down on your plan, as I imagine you certainly wouldn't have come to those conclusions lighlty, but... IMO self-reliance is a crock of shit. Sure it can be a positive approach to life, but it can only take you so far.

Everyday, whether you like it or not, you will be relying on someone at some level, or at least as long as you live within 50 klicks of another person and don't use any form of technology you didn't develop yourself.

The first time you get sick- you'll have to rely on a doctor. Everytime you switch on a light, you're relying on the electric co. providing you with a power supply, the people at the powerplant to keep doing their job, the mining company to keep pulling coal or gas out of the ground. Everyday when you go to school you're relying on your teacher to pass on relevant and true information, you rely on the bus co. to provide a service in exchange for money, you rely on the farmers to grow their crops, you rely on the government to provide your services, you rely on people to have the common decency to repress the urge to hack you into pieces as you walk down the street.

Everyday of your life, at some level, you are relying on somebody somewhere. It's a fact of human life that we are a social animal. Part of that means learning to trust, to share and the willingness to be hurt... reminds me of something an old, crusty, knife weilding bloke once said...

Self-reliance for me isn't necessarily complete separation from society; it is being prepared in body and mind to take up ANY slack necessary if a source of help is removed from your life. A lot of people become complacent with their sources of help, then one gets taken away...maybe a death in the family, perhaps a government works program is cancelled...who knows? Thing is, while I will always accept help, I will never expect help.