Snoopy
2005-06-25, 18:50
Okay, so they say Jesus was the Kind of the Jews. This is true, Jesus was the King of Jews. Not only that, Jesus was the person who first invented heroin. Or found heroin, better yet. You see, heroin is God. And Jesus is the son of God. Like one time, this poor sucker got hit by a donkey after he tried to milk it or something. He supposedly smoked the fruits of the sinful bush. So Jesus comes by, all fucking walking on two legs and shit, and the poor dude says - Hey man, you gotta help a phizzle out here. I got donkey slammed by a bullfrog wife in law. - and Jesus felt all sorry for this guy and he started to rub his head and his Jaw kinda moves left and righ and shit, so he said - Relax man, I got this shit that'll fix you righ up. I kid you not man. Get ready to fly divine airlines, baby! - and then this dude was like - Whoa dude, you look just like that dude from the Bible. I think he name is Jeffrey Jones.
So anyway, after spending 70 years roaming the country side and finxing people up, Jesus went to this mountain and was like - Whoa, this is the biggest brightest white shit I've ever seen. - but what he saw where the pyramids, and then there were all these Jewish people like who were getting fucked over by the Farao cause he likes to wear eyeshadow. I think the Farao was emo. The Jews made fun of him so he like, made them build pyramids and shit. So Jessus went to his people and wanted to fix them up with his divine shit, but they refused cause every knows Jews gotta be smartasses about everything cause they just really suck. But Jesus was a good guy, so he went to the Farao and he said - Faraon, let my people go and I'll give you a hundred pyramids made of God - to which the Farao replied - Sand... what the hell is all this sand? What the hell are we doing in this stinking desert? Holy shit, I'm gonna miss bayewatch - so Jesus said - Faron, what the shit are you talking about. - and the Farao said - Eeeeerr I, fuck... man I'm high.
So the Egyptians went away to live in space with their divine pyramids, and the Jews were left there in the desert, all pissed off and shit, cause no one would pay them any refunds for being exploited by the Farao and being victims of some war or something, so they like blame Jesus, who was really high at that time. So one day, Jesus got really high and he went to the future and he saw all the shit that was going to happen to the Jews, and he said - My people! We tried this whole bullshit thy neighbour into giving you their shit thing, and let me tell you, we're going to get fucked over for it. Hell, just look at the Gypsies. And they got charisma, which we lack by landslides. - and the Jews said - Fuck you, King! You fucking needle sucking junky whore can't make us do shit! If we want to act like assholes and get the severe punishment we desrve, then God help us we'll do it. - so Jesus replied with - Man, you guys suck, I don't want to be your King anymore cause you guys are all gay. I'm taking my white, and I'm starting a new religion that's all about white, hos and... eeerr white!
But the Jews weren't glad with this. They didn't want to lose their Holy King, even if he was a junkhead. So they promised they'd act snooty for all eternity towards His divine religion, and Jesus promised his follewers would ruin the Jews' shit (he knew this cause he could see the future and shit).
So the Jews were like - Oh yeah? You can't do shit! - and Jesus said - Then crucify me, and my followers will avenge my death for 2000 years. You'll see fuckers. I'll fuck your shit up.
Well, you know the rest of the story. The Jews went to the Romans, who were the USA 2000 years ago, and they said Bin Jesus was selling heroin to little Jewish babies, so the Romans were like - Yo, free dope 'n' shit. We're all up in this biatch! - Now, when they crucified him, and burried him, Jesus was so fucking high he just kept getting up again, which was the most badass thing in history. So, they burned his body, but even then, the smoke and ashes turned into this huge dragon, which destroyed 58 cities, raping, killing and pillaging all the women, children, men and donkeys, which wasn't really his fault because wherever he went, he got everyone REALLY high, so people just ran after him until they fell to death off some cliff. Hence the expression "chasing the dragon".
And my man Steve, I was telling him the other day how reality isn't made for idiots. Like, I hit my man up with one of my examples of pure fucking idiocy. Now, I'm not an idiot most of the time. But in reality, I sure do tend to act like one. So I was telling him about this kids who grew up on reality tv and were dissing everything that wasn't "real", like that guy from tourette guy dot com. Holy shit that guy's funny. But they didn't think it was funny cause "it wasn't real". The truth is they're just gay. So anyway, I told them that reality isn't made for idiots. Because the last time I went to Bosnia, me and a few mates met up with these bunch of warcriminal guys or something. One of them just came from Beirut, or whatever the hell that stink rat hole is called. And they were teaching us how to fish with explosives. Holyf fuck, so we cooked up and talked to ourselves - Man, if we can catch fish with explosives, think we can catch cows with a mortar?!. Having direct access to an 82mm mortar, we just had to try this bitch out. Little did we realize most domesticated cows nowadays have owners. Owners with guns. Holy shit, pissed off owner. Like that one time when be burned a stable full of hay because some kid told us it would burn. I tell you firggin hell, reality isn't made for idiocy. It's like a world without physics. You fart and the galaxy explodes. Just my line of fucking work.
Man, I'm too fucking high.
So anyway, after spending 70 years roaming the country side and finxing people up, Jesus went to this mountain and was like - Whoa, this is the biggest brightest white shit I've ever seen. - but what he saw where the pyramids, and then there were all these Jewish people like who were getting fucked over by the Farao cause he likes to wear eyeshadow. I think the Farao was emo. The Jews made fun of him so he like, made them build pyramids and shit. So Jessus went to his people and wanted to fix them up with his divine shit, but they refused cause every knows Jews gotta be smartasses about everything cause they just really suck. But Jesus was a good guy, so he went to the Farao and he said - Faraon, let my people go and I'll give you a hundred pyramids made of God - to which the Farao replied - Sand... what the hell is all this sand? What the hell are we doing in this stinking desert? Holy shit, I'm gonna miss bayewatch - so Jesus said - Faron, what the shit are you talking about. - and the Farao said - Eeeeerr I, fuck... man I'm high.
So the Egyptians went away to live in space with their divine pyramids, and the Jews were left there in the desert, all pissed off and shit, cause no one would pay them any refunds for being exploited by the Farao and being victims of some war or something, so they like blame Jesus, who was really high at that time. So one day, Jesus got really high and he went to the future and he saw all the shit that was going to happen to the Jews, and he said - My people! We tried this whole bullshit thy neighbour into giving you their shit thing, and let me tell you, we're going to get fucked over for it. Hell, just look at the Gypsies. And they got charisma, which we lack by landslides. - and the Jews said - Fuck you, King! You fucking needle sucking junky whore can't make us do shit! If we want to act like assholes and get the severe punishment we desrve, then God help us we'll do it. - so Jesus replied with - Man, you guys suck, I don't want to be your King anymore cause you guys are all gay. I'm taking my white, and I'm starting a new religion that's all about white, hos and... eeerr white!
But the Jews weren't glad with this. They didn't want to lose their Holy King, even if he was a junkhead. So they promised they'd act snooty for all eternity towards His divine religion, and Jesus promised his follewers would ruin the Jews' shit (he knew this cause he could see the future and shit).
So the Jews were like - Oh yeah? You can't do shit! - and Jesus said - Then crucify me, and my followers will avenge my death for 2000 years. You'll see fuckers. I'll fuck your shit up.
Well, you know the rest of the story. The Jews went to the Romans, who were the USA 2000 years ago, and they said Bin Jesus was selling heroin to little Jewish babies, so the Romans were like - Yo, free dope 'n' shit. We're all up in this biatch! - Now, when they crucified him, and burried him, Jesus was so fucking high he just kept getting up again, which was the most badass thing in history. So, they burned his body, but even then, the smoke and ashes turned into this huge dragon, which destroyed 58 cities, raping, killing and pillaging all the women, children, men and donkeys, which wasn't really his fault because wherever he went, he got everyone REALLY high, so people just ran after him until they fell to death off some cliff. Hence the expression "chasing the dragon".
And my man Steve, I was telling him the other day how reality isn't made for idiots. Like, I hit my man up with one of my examples of pure fucking idiocy. Now, I'm not an idiot most of the time. But in reality, I sure do tend to act like one. So I was telling him about this kids who grew up on reality tv and were dissing everything that wasn't "real", like that guy from tourette guy dot com. Holy shit that guy's funny. But they didn't think it was funny cause "it wasn't real". The truth is they're just gay. So anyway, I told them that reality isn't made for idiots. Because the last time I went to Bosnia, me and a few mates met up with these bunch of warcriminal guys or something. One of them just came from Beirut, or whatever the hell that stink rat hole is called. And they were teaching us how to fish with explosives. Holyf fuck, so we cooked up and talked to ourselves - Man, if we can catch fish with explosives, think we can catch cows with a mortar?!. Having direct access to an 82mm mortar, we just had to try this bitch out. Little did we realize most domesticated cows nowadays have owners. Owners with guns. Holy shit, pissed off owner. Like that one time when be burned a stable full of hay because some kid told us it would burn. I tell you firggin hell, reality isn't made for idiocy. It's like a world without physics. You fart and the galaxy explodes. Just my line of fucking work.
Man, I'm too fucking high.