Ra-deus
2006-10-16, 19:18
Here's a very brief and frank explanation of what Christians believe to be the history and nature of human/earth's existense. A lot is left out, but it's mostly trivial details. This post is in the format of a very relaxed story, to make it more enjoyable. Take a look.
I guess it starts with God, who is an all powerful being that rules over the universe which he created by forming matter from empty space at his will. He has no beginning and no end, no birth and no death and has been chilling in heaven making planets for all time. He lives in a place called "heaven" with a bunch of guys called "angels". God decided that the company of angels wasn't enough around 6000 years ago, and began to create a new place called earth for "humans" to live and be his new friends. In the middle of creating earth, an angel named "Lucifer" thought that even though that God had the power to un-do his existense in an instant, he would get his buddies together and oppose his master. Instead of destroying Lucifer and his minions, God decided that simple death was not enough and sent them to a place where fire burned eternally called "Hell", which is located somewhere on/in earth.
After the heavenly war was over, God continued his forming matter from empty space to become earth, and eventually created the humans on the 6th day then took a breather on the 7th. God and the first two humans named "Adam" and "Eve" were hanging out in a place called "The Garden of Eden", until they ate a fruit that God instructed them not to. ((Satan was still pissed off at God and wanted to fuck up his plans, so he turned himself into a snake and told them to eat the fruit)) They were expelled from the garden of eden and cast out into the world. After this, God decided that he wanted to be alone and only contacted people individually in secret.
Adamn and Eve had two sons, Cane and Abel. Cane killed Abel, and traveled by himself until he met a woman((Whose idenity remains a mystery)) and incestually procreated for many years. So, after fucking their mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, and possibly even grandmothers, men had produced enough people to have a civillization. They became evil and pissed God off again, so much that he flooded the world and killed every single life form except for a man named "Noah" and his family, who made a boat big enough to collect two of every species of land dwelling organism that is currently alive on the planet earth today except for the dinosaurs. Noah was apparently gifted super-human speed and vision.
At this point I filled in some things that aren't mentioned in the Bible word for word, but would logically have had to happen in order to be "realistic".
Noah and his family fucked each other for a few hundreds of years, each woman giving birth to thousands of inbred children. ((Back in those days people either lived for hundreds of years or pregnancy time was the length of about one day from conception to birth)) Out of the thousands of inbred childen, some of them came out with slanted eyes, some with black skin, some with white skin, some with brown skin, and some with red skin. All of the people were sorted by color, and traveled to different areas of the world. ((Another theory that is just as logical, is that all of the other races other that of Noah and his family were placed here after the flood and were just not worthy of mention since are not included in God's plan and are just going to Hell))
The different colored groups settled in their respective continents. They all forgot about their brothers and sisters of different colors and the God which created them and made up their own fake gods, for whatever reason.((possibly Satan)). So, they lived their lives believing in all different gods completely oblivious to their origins until God revealed himself to a man named Abraham. God told Abraham to kill his son Isaac just to see if Abraham would actually do it. When Abraham was about to put Isaac on the fire, God stopped him because his ego had been satisfied. After this, I suppose that Abraham told his family about this and they believed him and told their children.
Some time later, these Hebrew people ((descendants of Abraham)) were forced into slavery by their distant cousins the Egyptians, who had forgotten about the real "God" and had several fake ones as their own. They were slaves for many years until God got tired of it and contacted a man named Moses and told him to free the Hebrew people. Moses did so by performing impossible acts with a magical stick that God gave him and some assistance from God himself. The Egytpians apparently weren't impressed by these impossible acts (which no human had ever witnessed) enough to stop believing in their fake gods or even make a record of it.
Moses led these people through a barren desert for years until God decided that they needed some basic rules and wrote the "Ten Commandments" on some rocks. At this point, God decided that the point of human existense would be to test the Hebrews on their behavior and their ability to follow these rules, thus Judahism was born. If they did well, they were blessed with wealth and health etc., if they did not follow the rules so accurately, they would be punished with disease or bad fortune etc. God also told the Jews of a "messiah", a man who would establish a kingdom on Earth. They wrote all of what had previously in a book called the "Torah" or the "Old Testament".
Then 2000 years ago, God changed his all powerfull mind again about the purpose of human existense. So, in order to convey this information, he needed to send his "son" or the "messiah" in human form to reveal his new purpose to man. So, Jesus was born to a virgin mother and taught a handfull of people about God's new purpose, along with some healing and talk about loving stuff. God's new purpose, it turns out, was for people to believe that Jesus was truly his son and to believe what was written in the newest version of the Bible. He wanted the people to believe this so much so that he made a deal with them. If they DID believe Jesus was his son they would get to live in God's place, heaven. If they DID NOT believe that Jesus was his son, they would go burn for eternity with Satan in Hell. God did not tell the Jews or anybody else about Jesus ((some would say that he didn't even tell Jesus himself, as not too many people believed him to be the son of God until Emperor Constantine declared it as law)), he wanted them to just believe it because Jesus' buddies said so in some books 30 years after his death even though he did not fufill the prophecy of establishing a kingdom on earth, therefor the majority of Jews did not believe. So, the Jews which God had chosen to only reveal himself to were going to be sent to hell with all of the soul-less Asians, Africans, Native Americans, Greeks, early Romans between 0 AD. and about 300 AD., Latins, Pacific Islanders, early European tribes and pretty much everybody who didn't live in a country that had been invaded by the Catholic Church.
Jesus was also sent to die a very painful death, as he had special powers. His blood had the ability to make God forget all of the sins of the people who had lived prior to him. So, Jesus died and used his special blood powers, then he hung out in a tomb for three days until he decided to go back up to heaven. There Jesus waits, commanding armies of man to conquer others for the sake of banishing sin, helping people financially and requesting money for himself while waiting until the day that he will come back and purge the earth of sin by fire. On that day, all righteous dead and living will go up to heaven, and the rest will burn for an everlasting eternity in agonizing pain in the domain of Satan.
So, this is the nature and history of the world according to Christians, hope you enjoyed. Think Scientology is far fetched?
I guess it starts with God, who is an all powerful being that rules over the universe which he created by forming matter from empty space at his will. He has no beginning and no end, no birth and no death and has been chilling in heaven making planets for all time. He lives in a place called "heaven" with a bunch of guys called "angels". God decided that the company of angels wasn't enough around 6000 years ago, and began to create a new place called earth for "humans" to live and be his new friends. In the middle of creating earth, an angel named "Lucifer" thought that even though that God had the power to un-do his existense in an instant, he would get his buddies together and oppose his master. Instead of destroying Lucifer and his minions, God decided that simple death was not enough and sent them to a place where fire burned eternally called "Hell", which is located somewhere on/in earth.
After the heavenly war was over, God continued his forming matter from empty space to become earth, and eventually created the humans on the 6th day then took a breather on the 7th. God and the first two humans named "Adam" and "Eve" were hanging out in a place called "The Garden of Eden", until they ate a fruit that God instructed them not to. ((Satan was still pissed off at God and wanted to fuck up his plans, so he turned himself into a snake and told them to eat the fruit)) They were expelled from the garden of eden and cast out into the world. After this, God decided that he wanted to be alone and only contacted people individually in secret.
Adamn and Eve had two sons, Cane and Abel. Cane killed Abel, and traveled by himself until he met a woman((Whose idenity remains a mystery)) and incestually procreated for many years. So, after fucking their mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, and possibly even grandmothers, men had produced enough people to have a civillization. They became evil and pissed God off again, so much that he flooded the world and killed every single life form except for a man named "Noah" and his family, who made a boat big enough to collect two of every species of land dwelling organism that is currently alive on the planet earth today except for the dinosaurs. Noah was apparently gifted super-human speed and vision.
At this point I filled in some things that aren't mentioned in the Bible word for word, but would logically have had to happen in order to be "realistic".
Noah and his family fucked each other for a few hundreds of years, each woman giving birth to thousands of inbred children. ((Back in those days people either lived for hundreds of years or pregnancy time was the length of about one day from conception to birth)) Out of the thousands of inbred childen, some of them came out with slanted eyes, some with black skin, some with white skin, some with brown skin, and some with red skin. All of the people were sorted by color, and traveled to different areas of the world. ((Another theory that is just as logical, is that all of the other races other that of Noah and his family were placed here after the flood and were just not worthy of mention since are not included in God's plan and are just going to Hell))
The different colored groups settled in their respective continents. They all forgot about their brothers and sisters of different colors and the God which created them and made up their own fake gods, for whatever reason.((possibly Satan)). So, they lived their lives believing in all different gods completely oblivious to their origins until God revealed himself to a man named Abraham. God told Abraham to kill his son Isaac just to see if Abraham would actually do it. When Abraham was about to put Isaac on the fire, God stopped him because his ego had been satisfied. After this, I suppose that Abraham told his family about this and they believed him and told their children.
Some time later, these Hebrew people ((descendants of Abraham)) were forced into slavery by their distant cousins the Egyptians, who had forgotten about the real "God" and had several fake ones as their own. They were slaves for many years until God got tired of it and contacted a man named Moses and told him to free the Hebrew people. Moses did so by performing impossible acts with a magical stick that God gave him and some assistance from God himself. The Egytpians apparently weren't impressed by these impossible acts (which no human had ever witnessed) enough to stop believing in their fake gods or even make a record of it.
Moses led these people through a barren desert for years until God decided that they needed some basic rules and wrote the "Ten Commandments" on some rocks. At this point, God decided that the point of human existense would be to test the Hebrews on their behavior and their ability to follow these rules, thus Judahism was born. If they did well, they were blessed with wealth and health etc., if they did not follow the rules so accurately, they would be punished with disease or bad fortune etc. God also told the Jews of a "messiah", a man who would establish a kingdom on Earth. They wrote all of what had previously in a book called the "Torah" or the "Old Testament".
Then 2000 years ago, God changed his all powerfull mind again about the purpose of human existense. So, in order to convey this information, he needed to send his "son" or the "messiah" in human form to reveal his new purpose to man. So, Jesus was born to a virgin mother and taught a handfull of people about God's new purpose, along with some healing and talk about loving stuff. God's new purpose, it turns out, was for people to believe that Jesus was truly his son and to believe what was written in the newest version of the Bible. He wanted the people to believe this so much so that he made a deal with them. If they DID believe Jesus was his son they would get to live in God's place, heaven. If they DID NOT believe that Jesus was his son, they would go burn for eternity with Satan in Hell. God did not tell the Jews or anybody else about Jesus ((some would say that he didn't even tell Jesus himself, as not too many people believed him to be the son of God until Emperor Constantine declared it as law)), he wanted them to just believe it because Jesus' buddies said so in some books 30 years after his death even though he did not fufill the prophecy of establishing a kingdom on earth, therefor the majority of Jews did not believe. So, the Jews which God had chosen to only reveal himself to were going to be sent to hell with all of the soul-less Asians, Africans, Native Americans, Greeks, early Romans between 0 AD. and about 300 AD., Latins, Pacific Islanders, early European tribes and pretty much everybody who didn't live in a country that had been invaded by the Catholic Church.
Jesus was also sent to die a very painful death, as he had special powers. His blood had the ability to make God forget all of the sins of the people who had lived prior to him. So, Jesus died and used his special blood powers, then he hung out in a tomb for three days until he decided to go back up to heaven. There Jesus waits, commanding armies of man to conquer others for the sake of banishing sin, helping people financially and requesting money for himself while waiting until the day that he will come back and purge the earth of sin by fire. On that day, all righteous dead and living will go up to heaven, and the rest will burn for an everlasting eternity in agonizing pain in the domain of Satan.
So, this is the nature and history of the world according to Christians, hope you enjoyed. Think Scientology is far fetched?