Alright, a little backstory. I have bipolar disorder and pretty severe social anxiety. Currently I am taking lithium, lamotrigine, and alprazolam (xanax). I also do various recreational/entheogenic substances.

I got accepted into UPEI buT I'm fucking it up. First of all, I don't have a highschool degree, never really finiished grade nine. I was accepted because I was run through a battery of tests by Dr. Pure, and found to be the highest scorer that they had seen in the 12 years of their organizations existence.

This is not to dick-size it's too illustrate a further point. My social anxiety makes it extremely difficult to deal with people in general, especially crowds. I can't crack the social code.

All I had to do was pass two exams (bio and chem at college level) and they allowed me in.

Last semester, I had a bout with extreme mania. I don't even want to talk about it.

It fucked up my academics last year. I dropped some courses. I didn't get a grade in any of the ones I took. One more "fail" if that's what it is and I'm kicked out of the uni. Unless my protest of medical problems wins the day (it has before).

This semester, my books were prepaid for with visa. But they had destroyed the number, so I don't have books. My father was paying for them, but I can't go back to him because its been to long.

They total out at 180-220 dollars. I'm broke. I have to send stuff I've done to my dad tomorrow and if it's not enough he's going to stop financially aiding me. I won't be able to afford my apartment, even with my roommates income. We'd barely have enough to eat, if that. And all our services would have to be canceled.

It is my fault, but it is somewhat mitigated by my intense fear of crowds or smaller classroom. Anxious to the point of near constantly being on-edge, sometimes getting panic-attacks).

The books were prepaid for, but they never ran the visa through. Then they destroyed the Visa number. My father was buying my books, and I cannot go to him and say I don't even have the class books.

I can't go to class without the book, it exacerbates my social anxiety. Anything drawing attention to me.

I've missed roughly a month of school(haven't gone to a single class :( , completely out of fear and perceived inadequacy/social infereority.

I want to turn this around badly. Very badly. And quickly. I have some stimulants for the long nights of catch=up, but what chance do you think I have considering it is uni?

Luckily, at the bequest of medical practitioners, I stick to two classes (Philosophy 111 [probably not a big problem], and the dreaded Mathematics (again only 111)

Fuck...

eh, sounds like a predicament. As for the social anxiety, it might help to find 1 reason why you're, how do I say this, 'better than everyone else'. But don't read that to mean arrogant. Find 1 reason/thing, maybe you grow pot hydroponically, maybe you are able to grow salvia from seeds, etc, etc (you get the idea). Find 1 thing that you did or one characteristic about yourself that makes you feel good about yourself.

And then whenever you feel nervous in class or those anxious thoughts start coming just think to yourself 'fuck those thoughts' and 'fuck those people who might be looking at me' or 'what they might be thinking'. And then think about that characteristic or quality or whatever you accomplished that makes you feel good.

i.e. *feelings coming* "Man, conscience, fuck that shit. I grow salvia from seed. Could those niggers grow salvia from seed? Nah they couldn't, so no reason to feel worried/anxious. Who gives a fuck what they think. I do what I do (put your quality/characteristic/activity here)."

It might take some practice. But I think it's worth a shot. It helped me. :)

As for the textbooks, www.textbooktorrents.com is a great site to torrent textbooks. They have a very big selection. You can probably find some, if not all, of your books there.

What about laying off the drugs? I mean I don't know how you react to them, but sometimes pot can increase paranoia and anxiety.

Have you considered talking to your advisor or anybody at the college? I'm sure they'll be willing to help and make it so you don't get put on academic probation or kicked.

Good luck. :)

i would say get the books. failing and dropping out is going to be a far tougher conversation with your dad than asking for some cash. you need to start catching up, which isn't going to be easy.

if i were you i would defer. you are in no state to attempt something like this, and even if you manage, that is all you will do. scraping passes while your sanity balances on a knife edge isn't really an ideal state of affairs.

take six months or a year off. get some help. don't piss it away getting stoned while claiming 'its the only way i can cope'. get yourself sorted, see someone and get your meds worked out so you can function. only when you are completely ready would i attempt something like this.

sure, you can find a quick fix. you can get someone could donate a thousand dollars and buy your books. but what happens in six months when you hit a down patch and miss a few crucial lectures and lose focus completely? if you get a few bad marks and take it out on yourself? you don't have control of your condition, and any distraction during study will usually cause a fail.

there are going to be some hard conversations for you, but it is in your best interest.