Bit of a rant but I thought maybe someone here will be able to take something from it, cos we all have to flog a car sometime. Mods, if you disagree then please move to B&M.

If you want to sell me your Ol'Banger then there are two things you should never say.

1.I'm a mechanic

Never ever tell me that if it's YOUR personal car you're trying to sell. I mean the car you use to go to work with or shop with. Of course if it's a 'project' car then that's a different matter.

We have a saying in German "The Cobbler's kids go barefoot", means basically that mechanic's personal cars tend to be shit-held together with duct tape and cable ties.

No good mechanic, no professional gearhead, no one who screws for money, has time to work on his own car. After his shift at the garage then there is always a 'friend' or worse still a family member who wants or NEEDS their car fixing and only expects to pay 'mate's rates' or nothing at all.

Even if he does get a free evening or weekend then the last thing he'll want to do is go outside and work on his own car.

And to make matters worse, a mechanic knows the tricks to keep a car running. He knows he can replace a blown fuse with tin foil, paper gaskets with cereal packets, and he'll fix a blowing exhaust with coke tins and jubilee clips. He knows all the ways to jerry-rig a car so it'll get him home.

Problem is, with all emergency fixes, they never get redone properly.EVER.

The only exception to this rule is if it's his wife's or daughter's car. Then it'll have been maintained to perfection.

Because who needs the earache?


2. "My mate had a look...."

No other phrase in the English language holds as much dread as this one. I don't care if it's cars or computers. The minute I hear that phrase I know things are gonna get bad.

I have spent great chunks of my life fixing the damage done by your 'mate' and his tribe. From 'headed' bolts because he only had a plumber's wrench to fucked up screws (if it's a philips screw then USE A FUCKING Philips SCREWDRIVER!) to bits missing cos your mate said "you don't need that".

YOUR 'MATE' HAS NO FUCKING CLUE and shouldn't be let near a car without a responsible adult in attendance.

............

Whats also good are battered old cars either owned by "an older gentleman" or "makes a great first car" (their 16 year old daughter beat the shit out of it for two years).

Whats also good are battered old cars either owned by "an older gentleman" or "makes a great first car" (their 16 year old daughter beat the shit out of it for two years).

Amen.

Or those immaculate ones that were owned by an old granny and only have 40,000 on the clock...because she drove to the supermarket and back 20,000 times. The car never once got up to speed or normal working temp its whole life.

The other one that PISSES ME OFF is the people who say 'it's got no MOT but it'll sail through".

Really? You're a trained MOT tester? You've had it up on the hoist and wiggled everything? You've got a portable emissions testing kit?

The ones which get me are the people who say "It's broken but I don't know what's wrong with it. I'm certain it's an easy fix though".

Well...if you don't know what the problem is, how do you know it's going to be an easy fix?

The ones which get me are the people who say "It's broken but I don't know what's wrong with it. I'm certain it's an easy fix though".

Well...if you don't know what the problem is, how do you know it's going to be an easy fix?

LOL I had that one like that this week (I'm trying to buy a car at the moment) but WORSE!

In his email he told me "I know nothing about cars". When I got there it turns out that despite not knowing anything about cars he'd tried to do various repairs himself.

First thing i saw under the bonnet was a connection he'd made by twisting two bare wires to together and then he'd left them resting on bare metal. Dude, do you want to know why your car runs like shite?

Then He tells me he can't turn the engine on because when he repaired the cooling system he forgot to put anti freeze in the water and the car had frozen solid.

The ones which get me are the people who say "It's broken but I don't know what's wrong with it. I'm certain it's an easy fix though".

Well...if you don't know what the problem is, how do you know it's going to be an easy fix?

To continue yours, the phrase "dropped about 1200 into it, another 500 and she'll be running perfectly. So I'm selling it for 3,000" is also really fucking annoying.

PET PEEVE TIME!


I personally hate:

Minor Rust - Actually means that theres major rust you can't see.

Easy Project Car - Yeah okay. No such thing. Prepare to transport the car in boxes.

Highway Miles - A mile is a mile, don't try to sweeten up the mileage if it's high.

Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.

Family Owned - Driven by 5 teenagers who beat the hell out of it.

Leaks/Burns a little oil - Yeah, only about a quart a mile.

Transmission Or Motor Rebuilt - If you don't have a receipt, it was rebuilt with duct tape.

Actually, Jack, you're almost spot-on with the mechanic's car thing. The guys I worked with drove the shittiest, cheapest cars on the road, all held together with coat hangers and duct tape.

Actually, Jack, you're almost spot-on with the mechanic's car thing. The guys I worked with drove the shittiest, cheapest cars on the road, all held together with coat hangers and duct tape.

It's the same in a lot of jobs. You think chefs eat well? Ask any chef, they come home ,open the fridge and reject anything can't be eaten with one hand.

How many computer guys actually get time to do that format and reinstall of their own systems?

Mechanics tend to get paid shit so they can only afford old cars. They also know that even a new car is on its way to scrap yard.

And again, like techies, there's always their Mom's, brother's or mate's car that needs fixing.

The exception is the mechanic's project car. Those will be in decent shape, it's the daily drivers that they don't give a shit about.

To continue yours, the phrase "dropped about 1200 into it, another 500 and she'll be running perfectly. So I'm selling it for 3,000" is also really fucking annoying.

Worse yet are the people that try to tell you the car is unregistered and unroadworthy, but will only be a $10 fix to make it roadworthy - totally ignoring the fact that they could have done this while it was still stickered since it's so cheap and it'd still be registered & roadworthy right now, and the fact that they haven't reduced the sale price to compensate since I will now have to pay an extra $500-1000 to get the rego papers done.

And the people who think their car is worth the sum of the RRP of all the parts they put on it. Lol. And they wonder why they end up paying hundreds and hundreds on advertising fees.

"Never ridden/driven in rain."

What, did you never wash it either?

Theres nothing wrong with saying country miles.

My car belonged to my grandpa who lives in the country, his local shops are something like 50km away.

My local shops are 2km away and probably put more wear on various components than his shopping journey due to having to stop and get up to speed constantly and whatnot.

"Never ridden/driven in rain."

What, did you never wash it either?
When my dad was buying a bike, we went to look at one that needed "a little work", but apparently ran well. He'd never ridden it in the rain either, and the price was right.

It was a Honda CBF500 if I remember rightly.

Unfortunately this thing was a mess. Duct tape on the seat, patched up fuel tank, wires poking out everywhere. And it didn't run. The seller almost burnt out the starter trying to get it running.

I also don't know where all the mud on the inside of the mudguard came from if it's never been ridden in the rain. What a timewaster.