Alright, well I revised my poem about science, I changed the structure and wording to make the words "flow" better. I didn't do anything about the length (actually made it a little bit longer), but I made it less repetitive and all that, so yea, here it is:

Science! Oh how you have failed me.

With your comforting tone,
and your sympathetic eyes,
You bestowed peace in me,
by filling me up with lies.
While your medicine for the sick,
has made weapons of war,
And your guns for the weak,
made thieves hunger for more.

Has your expanding intelligence,
and your expanding greed,
just been waiting to cash in
on the fallacy of need?
And I have to know Science,
'cause I'm about to go insane,
is the labor for pleasure,
A path I walk in vain?

You said, "Knowledge is power,"
assuring me it was true,
But with power comes pain,
So I'm leaving it for you.
And now I say Science,
I have but one thing left to ask.
Why can't you give me
all the ignorance back?

I no longer want to know
the problems of the day.
Please, oh please science,
Make them go away.
Get rid of the monsters
that lurk below my bed,
And free me from the voices
that ring inside my head.

You've bound me with these shackles,
chained me with literacy,
gagged me with your theories,
and drowned me with hypocrisy.
And so Science! Oh, Science!
I'm begging you this time!
I can't keep on like this,
I need to take back what's mine.


Once again, comments, questions, and/or criticisms are all welcome.

Again, like your other work, I find the rhyming scheme to be obtrusive to its potential.

Again, like your other work, I find the rhyming scheme to be obtrusive to its potential.

Are you saying I should try rhyming in a different way? Like something like couplets instead of the ABCB rhyming? Or are you saying the words I'm choosing to rhyme aren't good choices? Sometimes I like poems that don't rhyme, because rhyming can comes off as cliche, and/or just "childish" if not done right. If you could explain in a little more detail what you mean I think it'd help me understand what you're trying to get at, and it would help me better my writing, Thanks.

EDIT: And I realize that the first half of the last stanza is a little choppy with the rhyming and the flow, I'll probably make little changes tomorrow and re-post it.

Once again, comments, questions, and/or criticisms are all welcome.

Sorry, just plain don't like it. It needs to be way shorter also.