At the risk of sounding pretentious I
must say, truly state that you're all
a bunch of fucking fools.

I don't exempt myself, though
some jobs for which I apply may
necessitate it.

In place of churches, concerts.
In place of communication,


self-coronation.


Our gods remain the same.
Our fears remain the same.
Our needs remain unmet.

I sometimes wonder if I can fly
with enough bottle rockets attached to my feet.

I'd be a sky parade
steering with my neck
pinching nerves
laughing and hoping

the fall
the descent

it must be pleasant
or profound.

Narcissism is a plague
of my global generation.

We get tattoos of heroes
and wait to

decay.

Wow! your fuckin good!

LOL terrible

C-

2/5

This is overly rhetorical. Needs more concrete images.

This is overly rhetorical. Needs more concrete images.

Indeed. it's still a very early work, I just wanted to get it up for some criticism. Not sure where to take it right now. Cheers for the comment, I'll work on it.

Indeed. it's still a very early work, I just wanted to get it up for some criticism. Not sure where to take it right now. Cheers for the comment, I'll work on it.

I've been trying to cut down on the rhetoric in my poems, so I know how hard it is. Your images are good... The churches, and 'tattoos of heros' for example. You could extend on these images and have them do the talking instead of lines like "truly state that you're all a bunch of fucking fools.". It doesn't make the reader think enough.

I like where it's going, though. The line breaks are nice, makes it seem very manic.

Not sure where to take it right now.

Don't think, just write, tap into your subconscious mind, that underlying essence that effects everything you do. The surface of many ideas can be scratched by letting the words flow.
Work out the details later.

That is what I did with my latest work, I was looking at the tree outside the entire time I wrote it. Took the good stuff and made it better.