Broken and restless I find myself
Thumbs fumbling old photos of you
As I sit, lean forward and hunch
Over a feeble rhythm of visions
And a dreary roll flows on
Slipping from the vast grey skies
Unto morbid peaks of barren rock
My love comes a winding confluent
Of the yearning valley's narrow brooks
Percolating through your course
You dissipate to nothingness
A dormant bed succumbed to moss
One wretched and inarable plot.




gaaaarrrrr..... I can't finish it. Its like copulating with a bucket of ashes.

Broken and restless I find myself
Thumbs fumbling old photos of you
As I sit, lean forward and hunch
Over a feeble rhythm of visions
And a dreary roll flows on
Slipping from the vast grey skies
Unto morbid peaks of barren rock
My love comes a winding confluent
Of the yearning valley's narrow brooks
Percolating through your course
You dissipate to nothingness
A dormant bed succumbed to moss
One wretched and inarable plot.
gaaaarrrrr..... I can't finish it. Its like copulating with a bucket of ashes.


if u give it a " woe is me cuz i lost you" kind of ending, ill be disapointed. i cant think of a way to end it. maybe happy and hopeful, but i dont know if that could work. maybe an ending where the flowing body of water ( u never called it anything in particular, which i enjoyeed) dries up, or comes to an end, or sumthing. give it an ending with closure, if that makes any sense

I don't think a piece of this brevity can really pull off a reversal of tone a positive ending would require unless you plan on greatly expanding it. I think it's done now, though. Leaving your life being described as an inarable plot is one hell of a strong image. I see no reason to go past it.

aye, I think you be right Gorloche. At the beginning it was planned to be a more positive piece about someone else but soon turned out a bit differently. Happy and hopeful can wait for something else :)

gaaaarrrrr..... I can't finish it. Its like copulating with a bucket of ashes.
Loose this bit ^ at the end and it will be perrrrrfect! :rolleyes:
In other words, I like it the way it is. :cool:

B+ ish