desolate
2008-12-18, 18:26
Somewhere deep within the state of Nevada, the inhabitants of a tranquil, dreamy town were relaxing, save one young man. Eugene Iglesias was slaving away in his garage. Although most of the town's population was outside enjoying the sun, Eugene was oblivious to the beauty outside of his garage. Keeping him company was his best friend, Randy Bates.
"You can't slow down time, you dumbass." Randy laughed. Despite the many years of hard work Eugene had poured into his particle randomizer. Randy had daily shown total apathy towards the project. Being a very cynical individual, Randy believed nothing was possible unless it had already been accomplished. He took great pride in this way of thinking, considering it one of his greatest strengths. Believing himself to be far more intelligent than his best friend, Randy considered "thinking outside the box" something only those far less intelligent than him, such as philosophers and potheads, participated in. Randy also frequently bragged about how he would make Chuck Norris his bitch in a roundhouse kick tournament. "You nerdy piece of dog shit," Randy snickered. "Do you honestly think even Miranda Quadskinn would touch your penis? I'd rather fuck a goat than your ugly ass. If you were a girl, I mean. I’m not a faggot like you.”
Randy looked at Eugene, gauging his reaction. Eugene continued to work, an energetic presence about him. He appeared to have not even heard what had been said. Randy waited, hoping his words would sink in any moment. Wrench in hand, Eugene flawlessly turned a bolt a quarter-turn with the precision of an open heart surgeon, applying the desired amount of torque down to the exact nanogram. Randy, whole-heartedly believing he deserved at least moderate acknowledgement, if not worldwide recognition for his magnificent speech, bellowed a battle cry and delivered his signature roundhouse kick directly into Eugene’s machine.
Before Randy’s foot made contact with the machine, he heard Eugene’s voice scream, “You fool!” Multicolored lights and laser beams flashed about the room at a ridiculous speed. Space was ripped apart, as reality as Randy had ever known it faded. He finally came to his senses, standing in front of a laughing Eugene Iglesias. Randy had known Eugene his whole life, never once seeing him even smile. A huge hole had been blown into the garage door. “What the fuck just happened?” Randy asked, obviously shaken from the experience. Eugene was in hysterics, laughing too hard to give an answer. Randy then realized his clothes had been disintegrated. Randy, not one to be embarrassed easily in front of his nerd friend, wondered if the trauma he had just gone through had somehow temporarily shrank his unit. He looked straight down and screamed. Where his penis normally was located was a squirrel with its face frozen in an expression of horror, its outstretched arms holding a nut in each hand. Heart racing, Randy looked up at Eugene for an explanation. Eugene had now fallen to the ground laughing so hard that those who saw him would think he was having a very enjoyable seizure. Looking over Eugene and through the hole blown in the garage door, Randy felt his heart stop as he took in the most sickening moment of his life. His penis was running across a tree branch as fast as its testicles could carry it.
© Nathan Coors 2008
(e.g. coXistence.com)
"You can't slow down time, you dumbass." Randy laughed. Despite the many years of hard work Eugene had poured into his particle randomizer. Randy had daily shown total apathy towards the project. Being a very cynical individual, Randy believed nothing was possible unless it had already been accomplished. He took great pride in this way of thinking, considering it one of his greatest strengths. Believing himself to be far more intelligent than his best friend, Randy considered "thinking outside the box" something only those far less intelligent than him, such as philosophers and potheads, participated in. Randy also frequently bragged about how he would make Chuck Norris his bitch in a roundhouse kick tournament. "You nerdy piece of dog shit," Randy snickered. "Do you honestly think even Miranda Quadskinn would touch your penis? I'd rather fuck a goat than your ugly ass. If you were a girl, I mean. I’m not a faggot like you.”
Randy looked at Eugene, gauging his reaction. Eugene continued to work, an energetic presence about him. He appeared to have not even heard what had been said. Randy waited, hoping his words would sink in any moment. Wrench in hand, Eugene flawlessly turned a bolt a quarter-turn with the precision of an open heart surgeon, applying the desired amount of torque down to the exact nanogram. Randy, whole-heartedly believing he deserved at least moderate acknowledgement, if not worldwide recognition for his magnificent speech, bellowed a battle cry and delivered his signature roundhouse kick directly into Eugene’s machine.
Before Randy’s foot made contact with the machine, he heard Eugene’s voice scream, “You fool!” Multicolored lights and laser beams flashed about the room at a ridiculous speed. Space was ripped apart, as reality as Randy had ever known it faded. He finally came to his senses, standing in front of a laughing Eugene Iglesias. Randy had known Eugene his whole life, never once seeing him even smile. A huge hole had been blown into the garage door. “What the fuck just happened?” Randy asked, obviously shaken from the experience. Eugene was in hysterics, laughing too hard to give an answer. Randy then realized his clothes had been disintegrated. Randy, not one to be embarrassed easily in front of his nerd friend, wondered if the trauma he had just gone through had somehow temporarily shrank his unit. He looked straight down and screamed. Where his penis normally was located was a squirrel with its face frozen in an expression of horror, its outstretched arms holding a nut in each hand. Heart racing, Randy looked up at Eugene for an explanation. Eugene had now fallen to the ground laughing so hard that those who saw him would think he was having a very enjoyable seizure. Looking over Eugene and through the hole blown in the garage door, Randy felt his heart stop as he took in the most sickening moment of his life. His penis was running across a tree branch as fast as its testicles could carry it.
© Nathan Coors 2008
(e.g. coXistence.com)